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Sunday, July 22, 2018

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I am in a mixed marriage. I'm a Democrat, my wife is a Republican. This used to work okay as long as we recognized that partisan politics had nothing to do with building a life, raising kids and running a household, and indeed should seldom be discussed by people who have work to do. But all that has changed.

We've fallen on hard times. We both used to work for General Motors, and invested our money with Bernie Madoff. We refinanced our home 37 times and now owe approximately eight times its worth. This has not only strained our marriage, but has subjected it to partisan politics.

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I was sitting at the bar of an upscale new seafood restaurant, feeling kind of poor relative to the menu prices, when who should come along but Bob and Karen Weiss, looking brown as two berries. I got up to greet them. “Hey, you two. What’s doin’?”

“Hey, Alan,” Bob answered, giving me a hug. “Not much. Heading down to Aruba in the morning for a little R and R.”

“Heading down?” I said. “Looks like you just got back.”

“This?” said Karen, running a hand down her beautifully tanned arm. “Tanning booth. We don’t like to get off the plane looking like a couple of ghosts.”

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The week that we moved to Stowe, Vermont, the featured crime in the “Police Blotter” of the Stowe Reporter had read: “Woman reports that someone entered her pasture and braided the manes and tails of all of her horses.” Ever since that first week, so very many years ago, it has been my dream to headline in the “Blotter”.

It is not difficult to find one’s way into the police blotter. In a town with two roads, fifteen policemen and over thirty bars, a significant percentage of the local population has appeared as recipients of DUIs. But it was not as a drunk that I hoped one day to... Read More

Moving is a traumatic experience for most of us. It's the same routine every time, the packing, the unpacking, the trying to figure out where you got everything from and why in the hell you still have it. Moving is traumatic and if you have a pet it's even harder.

Imagine my surprise, when I and my cat Fred moved into a house with three other cats and everyone got along instantly. A couple of sniffs, a high five and Fred was eating from the same bowl with the other cats. The only thing left was to teach Fred to be an indoor/outdoor cat and to use the cat door. He was now an indoor cat... Read More

You know how it is. If it’s not your best friend’s mom it’s your mom’s best fried. Older women, they’re only after one thing. And it’s your duty, as a nice young man, to make sure that they don’t get it. It is their husband’s duty to perform the function that they require of you and you should feel under no obligation to satisfy their sordid needs.

They will try many ploys to get you into their clutches, but the smart guy will be wise to their evil ways and avoid these traps. Some of their strategies include asking you to mow their lawn. This is particularly dangerous in warm weather... Read More

SEX FREQUENCYDear Willie,How often should a married couple (17 years) make love? Berenice and I normally manage once a week, but she insist her friends are doing it much more often, but I find this hard to believe. Jocelyn is buck-toothed and Eva lacks girly bumps, so I don’t see their husbands being too keen on their conjugals. Anyway, Berenice thinks we should be at it like knives but I am afraid I might hurt my knees. What do you suggest would be a suitable frequency?Roland, Alice SpringsDear Roland,The frequency of conjugals is always a hard call as women have many calls on their time,... Read More

Hello, yet again, my problem pals, Willie here with his mountains of wisdom to lighten your load. I can proudly declare that there is no problem I cannot resolve. Take my challenge, send your problems to willie@scriptschool.co.uk and I will resolve them in the twinkling of an eye with my exclusive access to centuries of Scottish lore.PANTIESDear Willie,I recently met a chap and subsequently, as it was my birthday, he bought me a gift. I was shocked to find that the present was a pair of edible panties. What does this mean?Shania, AzDear Shania,It seems perfectly straightforward to me.... Read More

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