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Sunday, June 24, 2018

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If mothers are the heart of the family, why was I not missed after spending four hours locked in the chicken coop?

I have always heard that the mother is the heart of the family, especially a stay at home mother with a crew of kids, who also helps with a hobby farm. So tell me, why was I not missed after spending three hours locked in the chicken coop? This is a funny story in hindsight. However, then, I was slightly upset. The fact that no one even noticed I wasn't in the house battered my ego. Now granted, by this time all the kids attended school but still...You must first understand... Read More

Dear Ely,

This loser I work with keeps asking me out, and it’s really annoying. I’m a total hottie and he’s a complete geek, so he really ought to know better. I mean, I do flirt with him sometimes. But that’s only because he controls the office supplies and I’m always in need of extra white-out. (I make a lot of mistakes, and I like to sniff it!) He should realize I’m just using him, yet he persists in asking for dates. I can’t just shoot him down for fear he’ll cut off my white-out supply, so I always make up some obviously phony excuse for why I can’t see him this week.... Read More

Anyone who raises birds, especially chickens can answer this question quite easily. The quick comeback would be

"The last time this cliché was True? Why today and everyday I have anything to do with those dim-witted but strangely adorable hens."

Every spring, once the weather was warm enough and the chicks lost their down and all their feathers had come in, we were forced to literally pick up every single little chicken and throw them out the small door into their fenced in run. As soon as they were off the slanted plank walkway, they tried to scramble back in. Since we raise... Read More

Dear Ely,

I want to get high, but I can’t find any drugs. I’m an accountant, and during tax season work is so stressful that I need to get high to relieve the tension. I don’t have any friends who are into drugs, and if I approach my co-workers looking for a source I could get myself fired. Last week I went over to the shady side of town to try to buy some crack or whatever from a street dealer, but I didn’t know what I was doing and I got arrested. The cops let me off with just a warning and laughingly told me that people like me shouldn’t be buying drugs on the street.... Read More

"GOD IS OUT OF HIS MIND...KILL HIM BEFORE HE DOES ANY MORE DAMAGE." riginal.

SCENE: 2014. The year of the Turkey. Three men, all male, sit drinking latte from Latin America in Presidential paper cups. Even the cups are sworn to secrecy. The location? Deep in the bowels of Bowelry. One inch past 'snow bound' Numb Nuts. Location so secret in fact, that neither of the four know where they are spiritually or GPS wise.

A packet of x-rated...sorry...x-rayed Tim Tams are handed silently round with silenced non-vibratory outer wrapping and no-name price tag. They have been dipped... Read More

TAKE MY ADVICE. DON'T INVITE MR. AND MRS. KAREZZA OVER FOR FANCY DRESS. riginal.

LOOK! this is only going to be a short comment on the practice of Karezza, which seems to have gained a firm foothold in sexual therapists' rooms according to a recent article: before I progress to something meaningful. If you're easily embarrased please get one of your neighbours or your uni-going offspring, or postman, to read this to you.

Karezza as 99.9 % of you good people out there working your butts off to make a crust are aware of, is, the practice of NOT ejaculating at any point of time... Read More

Many of us think of our lives as boringly normal, while others live the high life. Take a step back, and take a look at your life as an outsider might. Now, tell us at least six unique, exciting, or just plain odd things about yourself.

Most men think in straight logical lines. They shake their heads at my thought process which I call circular thinking. Some of the best thinking is circular thinking. In fact, I love sending others quotes and thoughts about the very feminine experience of (kind-of) ending up where we began ... but being different for having circled around an idea and... Read More

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