Tuesday, October 17, 2017

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SCENE: 2014. The year of the Turkey. Three men, all male, sit drinking latte from Latin America in Presidential paper cups. Even the cups are sworn to secrecy. The location? Deep in the bowels of Bowelry. One inch past 'snow bound' Numb Nuts. Location so secret in fact, that neither of the four know where they are spiritually or GPS wise.

A packet of x-rated...sorry...x-rayed Tim Tams are handed silently round with silenced non-vibratory outer wrapping and no-name price tag. They have been dipped... Read More


LOOK! this is only going to be a short comment on the practice of Karezza, which seems to have gained a firm foothold in sexual therapists' rooms according to a recent article: before I progress to something meaningful. If you're easily embarrased please get one of your neighbours or your uni-going offspring, or postman, to read this to you.

Karezza as 99.9 % of you good people out there working your butts off to make a crust are aware of, is, the practice of NOT ejaculating at any point of time... Read More

Many of us think of our lives as boringly normal, while others live the high life. Take a step back, and take a look at your life as an outsider might. Now, tell us at least six unique, exciting, or just plain odd things about yourself.

Most men think in straight logical lines. They shake their heads at my thought process which I call circular thinking. Some of the best thinking is circular thinking. In fact, I love sending others quotes and thoughts about the very feminine experience of (kind-of) ending up where we began ... but being different for having circled around an idea and... Read More

Dear Ely,

My crazy-ass girlfriend has turned Valentine’s Day from a relaxed celebration of our love to a pressure-packed referendum on our relationship. She says she got me “the perfect gift,” and she expects my gift for her to express my feelings for her as well as my hopes for the future of our relationship. What the hell does that even mean? What am I supposed to get her? A dozen roses and a box of chocolates? That seems too ordinary. Expensive jewelry or a fur coat? That seems too extravagant. Tickets to an opera? I can’t believe I would even suggest such a thing. I’m... Read More

Dear Ely,

I’m single and frickin’ sick of it. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’m thinking of joining an online dating site, but I’m not sure if I should. It’s embarrassing to admit that I can’t meet anyone on my own, and if I met a boyfriend online I’m afraid that people would think I’m a pathetic loser. I’m also afraid that a guy I meet online might turn out to be a freak or a creep or a pervert – the internet is teeming with predators, and with my luck I’d land one. But the biggest reason I’m hesitant to dive into online dating is that I’m a big believer in fate. I... Read More

You know for some reason I’m beginning to dislike winter. It’s #@%&**&!! snowing again. I think we here in the land of clinical psychosis boredom zoo have already had more total #@%&**&!! snow than we have had in the last five years. Except for that one day, yes it was a Tuesday when we had 58 #@%&**&!! inches of fairy poo snow. It came down in buckets, cats and dogs, with thunder and lightning (very, very exciting), #@%&**&!! snow covered bovine where falling from the sky, giant icy igloos the size of Oprah Winfrey, and mukluk covered Nanooks bouncing all over... Read More

Dear Ely,

My boyfriend is a degenerate gambling addict. I wouldn’t mind so much if he won a ton of money, but he sucks at gambling. Last month he lost our rent money, and I had to beg our landlord to give us more time to pay. Odds are it’ll happen again someday soon, and then we’ll be out on the street. My boyfriend realizes how serious the situation is, and he says he wants to stop, but he just can’t do it. What can I do to break his addiction and get him to quit gambling?


Loser Lover


Dear Loser Lover,

Your boyfriend is... Read More

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