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Monday, October 16, 2017

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I am fairly certain that I don't suffer from multiple personalities, but I do hold court with some wild voices in my head. It's not that I believe they are part of me, nor do they possess my thoughts, but they are definitely looking for an outlet. One such character plagues me.

This is the voice of Mama...who is giving words of advice to her young son. I am told that people don't always heed good advice. More often than not they see it pass by and wave. I suspect this is what's happening here. A little counseling about the birds...the bees...the wasps...the hornets...and everything else... Read More

GERM N' WARFARE. riginal.

"I'm as madly unaffected as Hell!" NO! I'm not going to hitch a ride/bash on that same old worn- out tattered pugilistical punching bag of Peter Finch's fist-rammed verbalibrium expose imploring the downtrodden populace to "throw open your windows and rant out, I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!" The American film afishy n' nardo can can-can. The Chinese film- going public can't. IE: Chan (the actor) is not going to chant out "Jack of" anything as the process of "opening the window" and saying ANYTHING coherent could or would be met with... Read More

It occurred to me in high school that some kids were already jockeying for positions in life—posturing themselves for a grand entry into a world they instinctively understood. I could only imagine these same individuals lulled by a Bach sonata in the womb…their parents calmly reciting Shakespeare during the crowning moment, and when those determined bundles of joy appeared, they were off to the races in the Nobel Prize fast lane.

I just didn’t understand the rush, particularly since during the teen years the mere task of arranging colored beads on my Campfire Girl vest presented a challenge.

... Read More

If mothers are the heart of the family, why was I not missed after spending four hours locked in the chicken coop?

I have always heard that the mother is the heart of the family, especially a stay at home mother with a crew of kids, who also helps with a hobby farm. So tell me, why was I not missed after spending three hours locked in the chicken coop? This is a funny story in hindsight. However, then, I was slightly upset. The fact that no one even noticed I wasn't in the house battered my ego. Now granted, by this time all the kids attended school but still...You must first understand... Read More

Dear Ely,

This loser I work with keeps asking me out, and it’s really annoying. I’m a total hottie and he’s a complete geek, so he really ought to know better. I mean, I do flirt with him sometimes. But that’s only because he controls the office supplies and I’m always in need of extra white-out. (I make a lot of mistakes, and I like to sniff it!) He should realize I’m just using him, yet he persists in asking for dates. I can’t just shoot him down for fear he’ll cut off my white-out supply, so I always make up some obviously phony excuse for why I can’t see him this week.... Read More

Anyone who raises birds, especially chickens can answer this question quite easily. The quick comeback would be

"The last time this cliché was True? Why today and everyday I have anything to do with those dim-witted but strangely adorable hens."

Every spring, once the weather was warm enough and the chicks lost their down and all their feathers had come in, we were forced to literally pick up every single little chicken and throw them out the small door into their fenced in run. As soon as they were off the slanted plank walkway, they tried to scramble back in. Since we raise... Read More

Dear Ely,

I want to get high, but I can’t find any drugs. I’m an accountant, and during tax season work is so stressful that I need to get high to relieve the tension. I don’t have any friends who are into drugs, and if I approach my co-workers looking for a source I could get myself fired. Last week I went over to the shady side of town to try to buy some crack or whatever from a street dealer, but I didn’t know what I was doing and I got arrested. The cops let me off with just a warning and laughingly told me that people like me shouldn’t be buying drugs on the street.... Read More

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