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Monday, October 23, 2017

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Dear Ely,

I’m the senior partner of a law firm, and I’m in trouble. Our office is a very diverse workplace: we employ people of African, Latin American, Asian, Middle Eastern, and even Native American descent. There’s one racial/ethnic group that isn’t represented on our payroll, though, and this is where the trouble lies. Our local White Rights Alliance – a group that promotes the interests of white people in our community – is threatening to sue us because we don’t employ any Caucasians. They allege that we’re not an equal opportunity employer, we’re neglecting our affirmative... Read More

Animals? You want to know what animals mean to us?

Well that question is an understatement on our hobby farm because we are surrounded by pets, farm and wild animals as well as nine kids all the time. Just try to even come in the front door without tripping over our huge, guard dog. Shadow is a humongous, drooling black lab mix, with overgrown feet and a clumsy personality. He was part of my children's lives for 13 years. This dog was the most quirky and annoying pet we have ever owned. He was also messy, bossy and slightly dense. His utterly hilarious behaviour would take an entire... Read More

Dear Ely,

I was just released from prison, and I don’t want to go back. Ever. I’ve been looking for a job, but I can’t find one. I can’t even get an interview. Employers just won’t give me a chance – every application asks if I’ve ever been convicted of a crime. Once the employer sees that I answered “Yes,” my application goes in the trash. What am I supposed to do? I’m ready to go straight and live a respectable life, but if society doesn’t give me an opportunity to make an honest living, I’m going to have to turn back to a life of crime.

Sincerely,

Ex-Con... Read More

DRAMATIC WEIGHT LOSS. riginal.

This weight loss revolutionary discovery could turn your whole stomach life over as it did mine. If it's dramatic weight loss you're after with no 'belly button' side effects, gimmicks, gizmos,or slight of ham wink wink "say no more" (but you continue to eat more anyway) then rissole...er rustle up, a chair.

My name is Prof. Fatnfood. Let's take a look at fatten' foods...that's the main problem. People DON'T take a just a LOOK! They eat the bloody stuff! Chomp dribble chomp chomp chomp burp sigh burp chomp chomp glug glug glug burp chomp silent... Read More

I was inexperienced, naïve, scared, and totally grossed out with the thought of exchanging bodily fluids of any kind. He was tall, blonde, ripped, and more than willing to usher me into what would hopefully be a joyous celebration of my sexuality. I remember him fondly…a man who took his time…and promised to tell his fraternity brothers the next morning that he fell asleep in the car, instead of stuck to the wet spot of my 100 count cottons.

It seems to be a fad of late to revisit our 16-year-old pubescent selves, and with the benefit of hindsight offer up words of wisdom to reassure... Read More

While some people spend St. Patrick’s Day clad in green, doused in Guinness, and channeling Riverdance, twenty-one years ago on that blessed day I was dilating 10cm pushing the reluctant youngest of my three daughters into this crazy world.

From that moment on, she became an Irish girl. It hardly mattered we came from hearty Norwegian and English stock, because when her head crowned at the onset of the beloved Saint Paddy’s parade, we were immediately hurled into a foreign land of green food coloring, shamrocks, leprechauns, and drunks hell-bent on puking corn beef chunks.

Just... Read More

Remember all those animal tales and fables about the battle between the farmer and cute little characters such as Peter Rabbit? Well they are not so adorable in reality. In fact these local herbivores are a menace that threaten to strip country gardens bare if left unchecked.

For example, it was a mystery when our carrots kept disappearing one year at an alarming rate. Every morning there were a few neat, long holes left in the clay soil where our carrots had been. They were disappearing without a trace. Slowly a long worn down pathway appeared that ran from our back vegetable patch,... Read More

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