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Monday, May 28, 2018

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SO! YOU WANT TO FLY A COMMERCIAL JET? RIGINAL.

I've touched down on this subject before. Thank the God of plane flight as fuel was as it does get when flying round...very low.

Okay,first are you in a state of good health? YES? (then you don't live in the city with its incumbent smog and bad breath!).

So your eyesight isn't that good and your heart rate resembles the beat of a tap dancing mad cow wearing gumboots playing a mouth organ. Or some udder instrument. No matter what physical condition there's a licence for everyone. There's the E-bay one plane licence fits all.... Read More

HOW TO DEAL WITH KIDS' RIGHTS. RIGINAL.

Prof. Blistergot, world's foremost child tamer. My book was transcribed by my eight-year-old entitled 'IF YOUR PARENTS WANT YOU TO STOP CARRYING ON LIKE AN OUT OF CONTROL SPOILED BRAT PAUSE A MOMENT FROM BRANDISHING YOUR LITTLE FISTS- OF- FURY AND ASK YOUR MUMMY AND DADDY..."if i do, what's in it for me?" WORK OUT SOMETHING IN YOUR FISTIC FAVOR AND GET THEM TO SIGN IN GRAVY WITH A BLUNT SNOT/ POTATO FLIP BACK WARNING. "i really don't give a mashed fig you just told me is really yum yum and will turn me into a brainical low -cal student in latter... Read More

JIM. RIGINAL.

Jim was amazing. Not because he was brilliant handsome overly clever as such. He was medium build medium height medium intelligence medium sexual appetite. Jim married a medium. She cooked Jim's steak medium rare. Then Jim would make medium love to his medium wife put on his medium size socks and shoes, walk out the door. His wife would invariably call Jim back in a medium voice reminding Jim that to keep out of the television and newspaper medium it would be beneficial if Jim donned some medium sized clothes. No arguments from the slightly medium eccentric, just a medium... Read More

VICTOR MAN URE. riginal.

Victor M Ure the handsome young American dung beetle singing -sensation scrabbled onto the stage disengaged the mike, straightened an imaginary crease in his black leather cowhide pattie crappy feeler -tight pants.

The young in cowfat uated female fans screamed with abandonment as Victor loosened the collar on his dirty white open- neck sh...t shirt embroidered with expansive imported French dung. It was a one 'dung off' tailor- made 'mad cow' special...it clung provocatively to his taut six pack. He oozed cool,knew the fans were watching his every... Read More

QUOTES FROM THE RICH AND FLAMEOUS. RIGINAL.

Frank Bondage born 1789. "Do undo others as you would have them undo you."

Frank Bondage's wife bored 1789. "Give a man enough rope and if that's not enough tell him to get knotted!"

Frank.Ten minutes later after being tied up/zipped..."Zip pedy do da zip pedy day wonderful feelin' wonderful daze!"

Joan -of -Arc- welding, after sparking London on fire. 1789. "Weld done...methinks i should have used rivets but?"

Joan's exasperated drunken husband whom Joan dragged out of bed when she couldn't find any water. Bored... Read More

SNAKE: RIGINAL.

Once upon a rattlesnake...are you listening or are you too busy telling your kids that if they don't desist misbehaving Santa's Sleigh will not stop instead Santa will just float alone straight past your house? Truth be known folks, unbeknown to the tiny tots, you'll have to float a loan to buy them their stocking fills anyway? I never had Spiderman climbing my mud hut walls when i was a kid...and i turned out near normal! Of course i webbed a bit. And i'll probably throw a tantrum again this year it just isn't fair. It just isn't fair and i hate you grownups. Just like... Read More

MY JAILBIRD MATE SHOULD NEVER HAVE PSSSST! RIGINAL.

Honestly! The next time someone goes "psssst!" i'm going to turn a blind ear. Mate of mine went to jail for inventing and inciting 'Joyce' to blow up the D neighbor's car.Everything would have been okay except HE was in it at the time with Ms do-gooder. Let me explain. Max is/was an inventor of sorts, he is actually a genius. Max invented a woman that let a man stay out all night, get drunk as a skunk,go out with whomever he likes even though he's married, doesn't bitch or complain, everything a man could want-that a normal self- respecting... Read More

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