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Monday, October 15, 2018

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A cautionary tale for Yuletide

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request... Read More

Subject: Scottish Blood

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again,... Read More

SO! YOU WANT TO FLY A COMMERCIAL JET? RIGINAL.

I've touched down on this subject before. Thank the God of plane flight as fuel was as it does get when flying round...very low.

Okay,first are you in a state of good health? YES? (then you don't live in the city with its incumbent smog and bad breath!).

So your eyesight isn't that good and your heart rate resembles the beat of a tap dancing mad cow wearing gumboots playing a mouth organ. Or some udder instrument. No matter what physical condition there's a licence for everyone. There's the E-bay one plane licence fits all.... Read More

HOW TO DEAL WITH KIDS' RIGHTS. RIGINAL.

Prof. Blistergot, world's foremost child tamer. My book was transcribed by my eight-year-old entitled 'IF YOUR PARENTS WANT YOU TO STOP CARRYING ON LIKE AN OUT OF CONTROL SPOILED BRAT PAUSE A MOMENT FROM BRANDISHING YOUR LITTLE FISTS- OF- FURY AND ASK YOUR MUMMY AND DADDY..."if i do, what's in it for me?" WORK OUT SOMETHING IN YOUR FISTIC FAVOR AND GET THEM TO SIGN IN GRAVY WITH A BLUNT SNOT/ POTATO FLIP BACK WARNING. "i really don't give a mashed fig you just told me is really yum yum and will turn me into a brainical low -cal student in latter... Read More

JIM. RIGINAL.

Jim was amazing. Not because he was brilliant handsome overly clever as such. He was medium build medium height medium intelligence medium sexual appetite. Jim married a medium. She cooked Jim's steak medium rare. Then Jim would make medium love to his medium wife put on his medium size socks and shoes, walk out the door. His wife would invariably call Jim back in a medium voice reminding Jim that to keep out of the television and newspaper medium it would be beneficial if Jim donned some medium sized clothes. No arguments from the slightly medium eccentric, just a medium... Read More

VICTOR MAN URE. riginal.

Victor M Ure the handsome young American dung beetle singing -sensation scrabbled onto the stage disengaged the mike, straightened an imaginary crease in his black leather cowhide pattie crappy feeler -tight pants.

The young in cowfat uated female fans screamed with abandonment as Victor loosened the collar on his dirty white open- neck sh...t shirt embroidered with expansive imported French dung. It was a one 'dung off' tailor- made 'mad cow' special...it clung provocatively to his taut six pack. He oozed cool,knew the fans were watching his every... Read More

QUOTES FROM THE RICH AND FLAMEOUS. RIGINAL.

Frank Bondage born 1789. "Do undo others as you would have them undo you."

Frank Bondage's wife bored 1789. "Give a man enough rope and if that's not enough tell him to get knotted!"

Frank.Ten minutes later after being tied up/zipped..."Zip pedy do da zip pedy day wonderful feelin' wonderful daze!"

Joan -of -Arc- welding, after sparking London on fire. 1789. "Weld done...methinks i should have used rivets but?"

Joan's exasperated drunken husband whom Joan dragged out of bed when she couldn't find any water. Bored... Read More

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