Tuesday, February 19, 2019

40 results for 'alan handwerger'

Fear Itself

By alan handwerger, published on Jul 26, 2010

There are times when I think that I might accomplish great things were it not for him – Alan Handwerger, that is.

But you’re Alan Handwerger.

I’m not talking about that Alan Handwerger; the affable guy who has pledged to share with you the innermost workings of his heart and mind. I’m talking about the Alan Handwerger who haunts that Alan Handwerger, and sees to it that I never really, truly escape the confines of my box.

I’m talking about the Alan Handwerger who learned at his mother’s knee to be afraid of everything in the universe.


Well, most... (more)

Tags: humor, fear, self-help, alter ego

Please Pass the Paxil

By alan handwerger, published on Jul 7, 2010

When your legs aren’t working, and you’re breathing on a ventilator, and cleansing your blood through dialysis, and you have a heart that is prone to sudden and inexplicable stoppages; even the nicest guys – and I count myself amongst them – have a tendency to be grouchy.

By the time I left the hospital to matriculate as an in-patient at the physical rehabilitation clinic, all of these complaints, other than the inability to use my legs, had resolved. A vast improvement; but still, this business of maybe not being able to walk again had me in something of a funk.

“How are you... (more)

Tags: humor, rehabilitation, drugs, short story, memoir

Of Human Bandage

By alan handwerger, published on Jun 27, 2010

What’s worse -- finding a worm in your apple, or finding half a worm? I say half a worm. But ask me what’s worse than having one of your cooks tell you that he can’t find the Band-Aid that was on his finger?

I can’t think of anything at the moment. I’m too busy searching for the Band-Aid.

“What food have you touched?’ I asked the cook.

“I don’t know. A lot of it.”

“Come on. You’re going to have to do better than that.”

”Well, I prepped the sauté station, and I …”

A scream from the dining room halted my interrogation. “Never mind.”

You would have... (more)

Tags: humor, restaurants, bandaids, organized crime, customer relations food and drink

My Father's Mind

By alan handwerger, published on Jun 9, 2010

My father’s mind was a tidy place. As was his sock drawer; and his car; and his desktop, where the implements of his trade were meticulously laid each evening in anticipation of the next day’s feast. There would be memos to write, letters to open, correspondence to read. A file for everything and everything in its file. Organize, deputize, supervise – my father’s mantra.

He was enormously successful: successful as an attorney, and as an industrialist, and as a husband and a father and a brother and a friend. He employed hundreds of people in America and in Europe; and gave generously... (more)

Tags: family relationships, history, fathers and sons, minds, child rearing

Child Bride and Groom, Newborn Divorcees

By alan handwerger, published on May 14, 2010

Traveler’s Advisory: On the Mediterranean coast of France, just below Marseilles, sits the small fishing village of Cassis, where it is very easy to fall in love. It was here that I met Helen. She was blond, pretty, brilliant, English.

I knew that she reminded me of someone, though it would take me some time to figure out that this someone was Sophia Western, the heroine of Henry Fielding’s eighteenth-century novel, Tom Jones. Not that I knew Sophia all that well.

We met at teatime. By bedtime we were hopelessly in love: she with a boy from New England who she mistook for an American... (more)

Tags: france, humor, marriage, divorce, memoir

The English School of Love

By alan handwerger, published on May 3, 2010

The myth of British reserve is as universal as it is inaccurate. This I know first hand, having once upon a time taken to wife a nineteen-year old English girl who was even less ready for marriage than was my then twenty-two year old self. Here’s a scene from that short-lived marriage, set in the small Hertfordshire community where I’d taken my first teaching job.

“Are you having a good time, then, Alan?” asked Richard Sparks, head of the history department at the Hartland School, Upper Bingsford, Herts.

“Great, thanks, Richard. It was really nice of you to invite... (more)

Tags: humor, england, school, wife swapping clubs

The Power of Depress

By alan handwerger, published on Apr 23, 2010

Before I go to all the bother of standing up, I have first to ask myself – why? What could possibly await an erect me that would be worth the considerable effort I will need to expend in order to raise myself from the relative comfort of these, my pillows? Nothing comes to mind. I’ll stay put.

Uh-oh. Here she comes: Captain Lorrie of the energy police. “Are you just going to lie there all day?”

“I’ve been giving that a good deal of thought… I think so.”

“Wallowing in your misery.”


“Well, suit yourself. I’m going out. I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

... (more)

Tags: baseball, humor, depression, writing, heroes, little league, new angles

Chapter VIII

By alan handwerger, published on Apr 18, 2010

Under Chapter 7 (of the Federal Bankruptcy Code) -- a trustee is appointed to take over your property. Any property of value will be sold or turned into money to pay your creditors. You may be able to keep some personal property items and possibly real estate depending on the law of the State where you live and applicable federal laws.

The Mercantile Trust Bank building in Providence, Rhode Island is comprised of two towers, the North and the South. The North tower, which was built over a century ago, is a stately structure, its interior walls clad in rich mahogany, its tenants... (more)

Tags: real estate, humor, memoir, investing, bankruptcy

So Long, Old Pal?

By alan handwerger, published on Apr 11, 2010

There was no doubt that Sparky had some social problems: attacking pretty much anything that moved unless it had been given my good housekeeping seal of approval leaps to mind. But he was fiercely devoted to the family; and as I was traveling a good deal of the time back then, having a snarling, menacing presence patrolling the driveway round the clock was, in a strange way, a source of comfort – even if it did wreak havoc with my home owner’s insurance. Truth be told, he only ever bit two humans hard enough to trigger legal proceedings. And in both cases he had not only my sanction, but also... (more)

Tags: humor, pets, memoir

The Odyttey

By alan handwerger, published on Apr 2, 2010

“Did you enjoy dinner, Betty?” I asked the rather plain-looking woman seated across from me. Betty’s plate, like mine, was half-empty.

“I did, thank you. It was quite enjoyable.”

“I agree. It was good. I’m glad we chose Italian this evening. Is this your first time at the Olive Tree?”

“At this one, yes. I have been to the one on the south side of the island, which is also good.”

“Well, perhaps we’ll try that one next time.”

“That would be nice.”

All in all, not a bad first date, I mused as I drove along after seeing Betty home. Yet I would... (more)

Tags: humor, short story, mythology, odyssey

« previous 1 2 3 4 next »