Saturday, February 23, 2019

Feeling Found

by Billie Beldyga (writer), , May 22, 2010

A heart never ceases to look for a home.

Today I was reminded of an episode of Good Times I watched when I was 10 or 11. Thelma, the sister, was preparing to get married and as the big day arrived and she walked down the aisle with J.J. escorting her and Michael singing the wedding song, I was instantly drawn to how her eyes were glued to her soon-to-be husband and his to hers. I sensed their mutual anticipation of a future filled with love, laughter and making short, building a life together as one.

Watching that episode, I remember thinking for the first time, one day that's going to be me. I'm going to be a woman and somebody will love me like that. And, I couldn't wait.

Fast forward to the present.

I'm still waiting.

My husband and I were married 16 years ago and while I was prepared for the fairy tale part of marriage, I certainly wasn't for the horror story it's become. Perhaps horror story is a bit harsh but I'll let you make the call.

When we met, I was taken in by his long, blond hair, tall frame, Tom Cruise smile that lit up his face and what I thought was a gentle nature. He was younger than I and had what I thought to be such beautiful, idealistic ways. But, the gentle giant I married has turned out to be not-so-gentle and the idealistic ways turned in to controlling behavior. Most of my days are spent deflecting the poisonous arrows that shoot my way by a constant flow of insults, ridiculing, name-calling, yelling, belittling and general disparaging of my ideas, thoughts and desires. The humiliating words that spew forth from his mouth never cease to amaze me. The wounds go deep, they hurt, cutting, searing my heart and psyche and never quite have the ability to heal. Yet, there remains a strength in me that knows I will overcome....that there's better things on the horizon. I am NOT a victim.

There's a line in the movie, House of Sand and Fog, where Jennifer Connelly says, I want to feel found. Well, I want to feel found. Not that good old, Amazing Grace, I was lost and now I'm found kind of found, but the found that happens when two people who are meant to be together find each other out of nowhere, realizing the value and treasure of each other and just KNOW that their hearts have found a home. Simply stated, I want much love and passion and have just as much to give in return.

Currently, I'm trying to muster up the courage I need (to go along with the strength) to make a change, to close one door for good so another can open up.

You see, even though I'm a grown woman, I still want somebody to love me like that.

About the Writer

Billie Beldyga is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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5 comments on Feeling Found

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By Billie Beldyga on May 23, 2010 at 05:30 am

Corisong1...thanks for your comment. Rest assured that I dont' feel I "need" a man and I'm far from needy. However, do I eventually want to settle down with some one who respects and loves the crap out of me...and I him? You bet! That's all I'm trying to say.

Appreciate that you stopped by and took the time to read about this crazy world of mine.

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By Billie Beldyga on May 23, 2010 at 03:54 pm


Sending a reply to your email.

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By Kim on May 24, 2010 at 11:00 am

something is never better than nothing....get out of this and watch...everything will come in its timing as will healing, support, and what you're are truly worth. don't just settle. get support, help, guidance and your freedom back.

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By PATRICK PETION on May 24, 2010 at 12:09 pm

dreaming about prince charmant who love us for who we are, but who we will designe as we which, then reality strick. how could we believe in such a union when we are still human and are dealing with another human with their own feeling and past. husband Billie might love with all his heart, but doesn't know how to proove his affection, due to past life issue. you are right you are not a victim, when you get hurt and not answer because of love is power. whatever you will do is up to you. think for loving you relationship and teach us how to think about the other person before we. could you ever get someone better than him, maybe yes or maybe no. Remember we are all human, that also mean their is no perfect couple. however love and affection can win the real lover, and then you can experience real love. try to find the source of his reaction, maybee you might win his soul.

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By PATRICK PETION on May 24, 2010 at 12:15 pm

sorry what I mean is your husband, Billie; might love you with all his heart. and next Thanks you for loving your relation with him and for teaching us how to think

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