Saturday, February 23, 2019

Top Five Things to do with your TiVo


So I saw a VCR in a museum the other day, and it wasn't playing a presentation on a historical artifact, it was the artifact.

Ok, so I lied. I don't go to museums. But the point of the matter is that watching television is a completely different experience then it was as recently as five years ago. Whether it's upgrading to HD channels or recording your favorite shows automatically, the latest and greatest in television setups have reshaped our viewing experience.

For those of you just stepping into the ambient light (probably emanating off the latest Panasonic Plasma HD), I've decided to share some of the nuances and perks that come from the world of DVRs, TiVos and other cool acronyms. Here are the top five things to do with your TiVo (this doesn't include fast forwarding through that annoying Chevy commercial - that's just a given):

#5) Pause to take a leak. This perk is the most obvious, but certainly underrated, especially during football season. Any guy knows that there's nothing more devastating than realizing that the handful of beers he's been drinking throughout the course of a sports game have also ran their course, and that you stand the chance of missing the "big play" because you have to run to the bathroom. Before DVRs, the best option you had was the mad dash during commercials, or ”more famously" leaving the door open and banking your stream off the bowl so that you can still hear the action. Come on, you know you've done it.

#4) Please your partner. There's nothing sweeter that you can do for your partner this side of fallatio than surrendering the remote. If your scrub of a boyfriend wants to watch ultimate fighting on your 42 inch and there's "Sex and the City" marathon, or your girlfriend has been dying to catch the "Grey's Anatomy" premiere during the Laker game, odds are slim that it'll be another night in paradise. Enter TiVo, your new relationship counselor. Simply record one and watch the other. Or record them both and watch each other. Either way you're sure to turn the TV into a happy medium, literally.

#3) Bring back the awkward. If our generation is a pioneer in anything, it's bringing the awkward jokes. I'm talking self deprecation to the third degree. We are more likely to laugh at someone screwing up a punchline than if it were delivered perfectly, and normal gaps in rhythm are what makes us the miniature Larry Davids that we are. So what could be better than a device that can catch that awkward moment on Laguna Beach or that missed high five in the crowd at the Coliseum? There are some really funny things happening in the peripheral corners of reality television shows, and now you can save them and share them with your friends: "Dude check this out" -- in five seconds that fat kid in the crowd with his chest painted is going to do the running man, then realize he's on TV in three ...two ... one!

Eat a real dinner. Yeah, this one's not as obscure as #3, but it's quite a perk (assuming you're competent in the kitchen). Too many times, food preparation takes a backseat to your entertainment diet, and popping a frozen dinner in the microwave takes just long enough for you to be in front of the TV by the time your favorite program comes on. Then all of a sudden, you're about a third of the way through your macaroni and cardboard sandwich, and you have to sit there and watch commercials for longer than it took you to defrost your "Hungry Man" dinner (they call it hungry man because you'd have to be starving to eat that crap). The average thirty minute program is approximately twenty minutes long in content, which leaves eight minutes of mindless commercials. With a DVR, you can record/pause the show you're watching, actually make something you would want to eat (or at least something you'd want your parents to see you eat in your post-college life) and never miss a minute. Actually, that's not completely true. You'd miss about eight minutes of Viagra commercials because you now have a long enough lag to skip through all your commercials.

And finally, the number one thing to do with your modern TV setup is:

#1) Get a life.
This one doesn't require too much explanation. If your Thursday night social calendar is a date with "Deal or No Deal", you've got to reevaluate what role television plays in your life. With On-Demand programming and DVRs galore, there is no reason for you to skip out on your buddy's concert because you can't miss that last episode of "Lost". Contrary to popular belief, an investment in high-end electronics will be an investment in your social life, and no I don't mean more time on Myspace. Release yourself from the clutches of "punctual television", and stay out late: I'm talking about I'm going to Taco Bell' late.

Happy Viewing.

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Hassassin is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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2 comments on Top Five Things to do with your TiVo

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By V on December 07, 2006 at 03:36 am
I experienced this genius for the first time in my life, on arrival in the US of A earlier this year. I thought my American friend who owned that fancy TV was actually magic. I now know that it is not the case, so am simply frightened of his TV instead (because you know, you have to fear what you don't understand).
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By Alodia88 on June 23, 2014 at 11:52 pm

Ok that was funny rekuperacja warszawa

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