My mind has been cluttered of rage and testosterone. An excellent mixture for some, many even, but for me, it just does not click. I have been fighting with myself, and as most of you know, this is probably the hardest battle of all. Sex! I see it everywhere, under a bus, on a shoe, through the grape vines, I feel it, want it, but then the next moment do not want sex. Why? I’m asking you.
I have made a pact with myself to hold out until it’s someone that respects me, and I them. Though, is it really that necessary, or am I blowing this out of the water; pardon the pun. I wish I could cut ties with my emotional, feminine self, and say, you know what, I’m going to do this, and get this over with, and no longer have to carry the weight on my shoulders. Though as I begin to move in, and “prepare” myself for this great adventure into places unknown, I stop, and take a step back. “This is not me, I want to love someone, and I want to be with someone that loves me.” Why? I’m asking you.
Why is this even a dilemma, I’m supposed to be a mongrel ready to pounce on anything that has two legs and a vagina, but yet, here I sit writing about it. I do love a woman’s body, I envy it; I’m not an abuser, but why is it so hard for me to go forward with the act, rather than just say, “Well it will happen eventually why not now.”
I think it has something to do with growing up as a single child and only a mother as my one person of enlightenment. All around me, football players, jocks, cocks, and bitches, “sluttier” than when you went to school are enticing me, wanting me to just say those simple words. I refrain, and think about my values, (I’m Atheist and I have values, WTF) and I decide that it is better to wait and hold on for someone that means the world, and in the end, I don’t know why I’m asking you, but I thought maybe you understood, or had a regret before that you could pass along. Your first time was a mistake, or it was absolute bliss, and it made all the difference in the world, and it made you happy, content, and changed your life forever.
Honestly, I’m not hoping my life will become one big glimmering rose bush once I complete the act, but I believe that it will mean something else, that this life is worth living because of love, or the simple force of it. As of right now, all I see is deceit, lies, hatred, revenge, complete indifference to my beliefs, and misunderstanding of this sacred act. I see men using women for sex, and not even thinking twice, of course all my buddies nudge me and say, “Look at that fine piece of ass, I can’t wait to get up in that.” I guess I also, want to “get up in that,” but not with her, and not now. I am happy, now, happy being a synonym for complacent, because I don’t love, anymore at least, nor do I walk in search of it, instead I hope it finds me, when I least need it, and then I will know that I truly deserved the wait, and I truly deserved the outcome.