Love; the meanings are endless, often misunderstood, and often taken for lust, hatred, or even revenge. I have yet to have the feeling of love, only fleeting surges I like to call love. The journey will continue; a young, rejuvenated journey that will be with me until the end of my days.
I start with someone I have been involved with for the majority of my teenage years. She is young, impressionable, yet sustained in her beliefs. As our relationship began to flutter, having it’s shares of ups and downs, I’ve began to understand what it feels like to be hurt, and in turn found psychological pain, is far more powerful than bodily pain.
Making mistakes is easy, and we both shared our share of them. Her first was taking a picture of herself, the top of herself nude, and sending it to kid from another school. I felt a fierce beat of my heart, even as I write this and reflect on the day, I begin to feel my heart beating in an abnormal manner. Seeing someone you cherish, seeing someone you never thought would even use her body as a masturbating tool, or as a way to achieve more attention fly out the window. The pain was close to unbearable, as was the anger, so I sent it to my friend, who in turn decided to send it to the entire school. Mistake made, mistake forgiven.
As we began to grow apart, I began talking to other girls, and was avoiding her as well as I could. I then went back to her, we had a few months of memories, and then the eventual fight which then turned into another two weeks of hatred, only to come back to each other with sorry faces. Our relationship became more of a play out of Shakespeare than anything, and we are fine to this day.
Recently, I was bored. Boredom never leads to good things. I went into her email, easily bypassing the needed security to gain access to her account. There it sat, the holy grail of my life, right in front of my eyes, her Internet life. Much to my self loathing right now, I began to search. Nothing of interest, Internet sales from American Eagle Outfitters were scattered throughout, nothing too big of a deal. So I then logged into her Facebook account, again nothing. So I began to close out the window, when I checked the Sent Items folder. There it laid, herself in a bra and panties, the email to some kid in a rival school.
I sat again, slowly rocking backwards in my chair, thinking. Should I say anything? She would hate me for knowing how I got into this; she would never talk to me again. I looked at her body, oddly, jealous of the kid that received the pictures, through email nonetheless. I began to weigh my options, so I forwarded the email to my account, and decided that it was best to wait until the opportune moment to bring this up. I closed the browser, and waited until the morning when she found that her passwords were wrong, which I quickly helped her figure out, and gave her access to her account, she not knowing that I was the one who changed them.
I was wrong in checking, and besides the emails was from February, but there is still that level of uncertainty. What makes a woman or a girl in this instance send these pictures to a boy that has no care for her personality, for her natural beauty, for her intellect, but instead only has a lust to achieve the highest picture count of anyone in his school. I sat, silently, thinking, pondering what good could come of this, only a year ago I thought that my lesson to her was taught, but yet how could it be so easily forgotten. Sure, girls feel powerful that a man is interested in her, but isn’t it for all the wrong reasons?
As I begin to look at this from a world view, I come to one conclusion. In the end, is everything just about sex? Do men, do women no longer have a respect for their bodies; no longer wait to be carried off to a secluded prairie where only he and she lie, talking, kissing, and being in love. Has this generation learned that it is only important about sex and drugs? That it is only fun to do these things?
Perhaps I’ve listened to too much Dave Matthews Band, about the respect of woman, and their bodies. About the absolute love you can fall into with a person, and only see her a few times in person, as I have with this girl. Yet for the second time, here I sit, at the young age and already see a dim future ahead. I see that the kids who aren’t going anywhere, get all the girls, I see the bad asses believe that they are on top of the world. And here I sit, respecting a person’s personality rather than her body, and have been betrayed by her trust, and have been replaced with instant gratification on her end, and on my rival.
Does the world ever get better? Are there people out there who aren’t lost, who understand that relationships don’t have to result in sex in the first week? Are there people out there who understand that love has been so manipulated by society, have been so mixed, so mangled, so lost in the course of the years that it no longer even remotely resembles the original definition.
I understand that I haven’t even explored the length of love, though in time I will, in time I will find someone who respects me for who I am, and I for who she is, and I guess that is all I can ask. I’ve felt though, with this experience that I have learned a fair share about the real world, and how nothing in life is ever fair, but the thing that killed me is that I thought I saved her, I thought I picked her up and dusted her off from her awful past. I thought she was the one, but in the end, I was fooled once again.