Sunday, February 17, 2019

Hung Over Hollywood

by V (writer), Venice!, February 10, 2008


A failed Master Cleanse - the follow up by popular demand.

It’s surprising how well I was taking my starvation regime. At the dawn of day four, I wasn’t hungry, I’d managed to somewhat overcome my disgust for the saltwater solution and I’d really just begun to get my head around not eating any food. I was perky and responded to our maintenance guy’s query with, “I feel great actually. This is really not that bad. I think I will probably do this once a year. I’ll make it a new year thing.”

The maintenance guy was dubious. He is more than aware of my food love. When I’d first started working at my current place of employ, I saw his Mum drop him off and, with a swag of children in tow, she came baring a tray of homemade tamales for the studio manager. Without a Mother of my own available for home cooked meals, I made it my mission to endear myself to this Mother from Belize. Barely knowing our maintenance guy, I would brightly greet him each day with, “Morning Elmer! How’s your Mum?” I’d bid him farewell at the end of the each day with a, “Bye Elmer! Be sure to say hello to your Mum for me.” He was confused for a long time until a co-worker revealed my plan.

Going into day four, I even looked perkier than one of our models who was doing the cleanse for the fourth time and in tandem and was my self-appointed support team/ cheering squad. I was certain that if anything would do me in, it would be chocolate cake or pie or one of Elmer’s Mother’s tamales. I couldn’t know that it would be the onset of an anxiety attack.

Sitting at my desk at 5:30pm I had just been conferring with the Fiancé on IM about plans for the eve when I started to feel a bit light headed. My heart started to race a little and the worry over that fact made it race even more. It had all the makings of an anxiety attack and as is the way with an anxiety attack, you think it could be a heart attack – only this time I REALLY thought it could be a heart attack. Who knows what happens when you don’t eat food for that long? I was scared, but I was trying to be brave and not express complaint to my co-workers. The beauty of anxiety though is that you could be having a full-blown attack in a crowded room and no one might necessarily notice. I got to save face.

On IM however, it was a different story. A chat popped up with a close girlfriend and Master Cleanse hater. She had been very vocal about her disapproval of my decision to try it out. She was asking if I was heading home and I had to reveal my state to her and told her that I was unsure as to whether or not I should drive. I really didn’t know what might happen. What if the light-headedness turned into fainting? Like an angry-because-they-care Mother she told me to stay put, that she’d pick me up in 20 and, “For God’s sake, eat something!” Like a kid sent home from school, I waited on a bench in the lobby. Her car came to a screeching halt directly in front of me and she marched in brandishing a bag of rice crackers.

But now at least I know. I found out myself. The Master Cleanse is not for me. It totally wigged me out. Not eating is simply too bizarre. Come Monday, I will start my own version of a much kinder, gentler juice and vegetable thing.

I wish I could remember what regime my now real-life Broowaha friend (of Broowaha Burlesque fame) suggested when we were walking between a bar and the Equator Books party last night, but I was drunk. I should have got him to hold my cigarette as I wrote it down.

About the Writer

V is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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5 comments on Hung Over Hollywood

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By Sharlene Hardin on February 10, 2008 at 03:40 pm

I'm glad your friend was there for you, and not that I'm a master cleanse hater, but I do know that it really isn't for everyone (speaking from personal-appendixless experience).  Thanks for the follow up piece and I'm glad you have a good supportive friend.

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By M.J. Hamada on February 10, 2008 at 04:29 pm

Nice sequel post.  My only question is about the title: does it imply that 'Wood peeps are drunk on this intoxicating, appendix-bursting lemonade-cayenne concoction?

An old girlfriend, after a few days of fasting, fainted at the wheel and drove smack-dab into a telephone pole.  She woke up in the hospital and didn't remember anything.  Your friend may have saved you with those rice crackers.

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By Aaron S. on February 10, 2008 at 09:48 pm

M.J. is right; rice crackers really do save lives.

Pomella, grapefruit, orange, beet, asparugus.

And crackers, with egg whites and salmon. I'll explain everything.

FIBER is the answer.

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By V on February 11, 2008 at 12:37 am

MJ, "Hung Over Hollywood?" Yeah, I don't know really. I was hung over, that's for sure. It was a lazy article but an update was required.

Sharlene, I am blessed with REALLY great friends!

Jen, wish a fast would work out for me ...

Aaron, give it to me. You can lecture me for once! But also, other than the fact I won't eat an egg without the yolk, you've pretty much described my diet 4 days of the week ...

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By 'Mean' Mike Duffau on February 11, 2008 at 11:15 am

the best best cleanse is diet and exercise.

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