Friday, February 22, 2019

TRAVEL. riginal.

by riginal (writer), moe australia, March 26, 2015

They seek him here they seek him there, that damn elusive person who knows every street in the country.


Have you ever been driving along nonplussed as to where you're going and in a worse scenario a bit unsure which state you're in?

Obviously if you're an enclave member of the Witches of Eastwick you're a broom handle away from your final destination. Of course that is a bit up in the air when you're betwixt and between no doubt.

Of course you people in developed countries like Canada only have to follow footprints in the snow from people snowed in and forced to walk to your chosen destination which is really great exercise for the body and sole. If you're lucky enough to possess a pair of waterproof vinyl boots. I'm kidding. Modern day snow plows in Canada rid the highways of snow routinely.

Obviously a few snowed under cars get ridded too. I mean you can't expect the plow driver to exit his cabin, poke a stick in the snow and shout,"anybody home" when his stick strikes tin. Some tin maybe you Canadian drivers haven't thawed about with any concern?

Look i don't want to get bogged down in Canada because as every Canadian worth his/her snow salt knows,Canada is a replica country purchased on Ebay after replica Australias sold out. Our country is not perfect by any means but i have been told if i left,despite the bushfires, floods, ice epidemic, and cyclones, the place would improve immensely.

But i wander. I am not about to can other countries. Otherwise i'll get snowed under by a glacier of reprimandable reproachment.

Okay, let's continue to travel the highways and byways with the ubiquitous GPS sat nav gadget that not only tells you in a monotone voiced by a woman who sounds like she's sitting on a hot stove and suppressing the pain-it makes donuts and coffee. Nearly. She even tells you between coffee sips and donut crumbs, "do nut go any further...go back...warning warning go the U.S.S.R. or the GPS girls will knock you out they leave the West behind?" Problem is you thought you were in the U.S. of A?

I kid you not, two ladies in Australia 'submarined' their car. Drove into a river because Ms. Hotpants on the GPS told them to.

They could see the car was going to do a James Bondic dive but the lady said they were going along swimmingly and to take no notice of the discrepancy between what their eyes saw in reality...and what the maid in China was telling them on their GPS possibly with a co ordinate not updated resulting in two wet dates so to speak.

Honestly, i get lost walking to the letterbox. A former boss with money coming out of every gland in his body, owned a $120,000 4x4. We were going to a job to check it out. It was daybreak. The sun was going down after he finally punched his co ordinates in. Turned and asked me which way West lay. Has a short wick. Banged the GPS and shouted,"stuff it...look up the map!"

May i ask, how many of you normal sensible intelligent people use this mode and arrive where you intended? Every time? Don't lie to me.

So, if you're like me you pull out a well worn map, a magnifying glass; mistaking a fly spot for the town you're heading for...end up in some flyblown place you've never heard of. Or close.

And! Correct me if i'm wrong and this has never happened to you people. You pull alongside someone who looks like an escapee from a cancelled burial due perhaps to the lack of funds. Perhaps staying on top of the ground to piss the vulture kids off. They circle.

You ask the person directions to get to a street you feel in your bones is nearby. Ignoring skeletons in rusted out cars. As a result of time lag between when they asked for directions and received same.

Invariably without exception the ubiquitous. Scratches head, other body parts, waves hands nods head; "ummm...heard of it but not toooo sure. I'm not from around here." For goodness sake directive person, you're 108 minimum. Did your vulture kids waiting for you to die swoop down and 'beak' you to this place like a stork delivered old born?

DO NOT ever ask such a wandering minstrel where they're from. They'll ask for a lift home because all things being equal they too are lost! :>)

NOTE: If you've never been lost, my apologies. How sad a life you're living! What a dreadful way to travel in life when in fact we have enough fossil fuel to transport you into your fossil fool years of travel to nowhere in particular because we have enough fuel left on his planet to last until at least hell freezes over. Trust me. When the world ends do not tell any person with horns and a tale where to go. They may just say, "Good heavens, i'm not from around here...go to hell!"

Notice i didn't bag anyone selling blunt replica pencils? No point. And to all you Canadians...i'll get there one day. Just for one day. I've heard you can freeze your ass off waiting for directions like "which way to snow?"...sorry, go. :>)

Yes, we all love our respective countries. Tell me about your 'flog free' travels. Just trying to break the ice. Serious, our cops can't. I find that writing is a drug unto itself. You don't even have to ask for directions. Me? Dunno mate i'm not from here!

About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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