Sunday, February 17, 2019

Bean there done that? RIGINAL.

by riginal (writer), moe australia, March 22, 2015

Warning: Explicit fifty shades of grey reconditioned baked bean sex. John can.


Warning, BB sexual content.

Persons who have never had S or never intend two...or three...or think it's over rated in the scheme of a relationship do not read on.

This story is sketchy. Draw your own conclusions on the label. As such i can't verify if all the pertinent facts alluded to are real therefore it is up to the reader to make their own judgement as to whether or not anything can be relevant to this planet Earth. One discerning true point most S people should bear in mind. Earth is not the only place where S activity is deactivated.

I'll wait until you make yourselves a cup of tea or coffee. Are you sitting down? Good. If you like you may want to lie down or crouch like a Tiger should you be a practitioner of Kung Fu or a reverse Fu Kunger backflip lotus leaf eating karma Super peace loving person sometimes drifting into another realm where milk and honey is dispensed without charge to soothe the savage beast.Or, baked reconditioned beans on toast?

I have left a bit of punctuation out simply because the average person these days is so busy they don't have time to be held up. Full stop.

My friend is highly intelligent. John is not his real name. his real name is Smith. John Smith. Made his fortune out of reconditioning baked beans with no 'use by date.' An off the shelf company.

John had plenty of money and did drink a little. John originally had the hot baked beans for a lovely lass named Betty. They split. Not the baked beans...their relationship. John was devastated. I rescued him after he took an overdose of pre sauced baked beans. Please don't go to the loo. I'll speed this story up to enable you to get some sleep which i have on good authority is good for your pillow as it allows bed bugs to explore your ear canals and clean out excess wax and the odd baked bean in John's case. Actually in John's case it was a can. Never went to bed without one.

John became a networking dater. Couldn't find a match. Tried a lighter, flicked it, no new flame?

John rang me 2am one morning very excited. Told me he had a visit on his laptop from a planet called Throwup. Could i come over and share a can of reconditioned baked beans? I didn't dress, grabbed my baked bean can opener and tore out the label door. I explained to a police pursuit car operator i was speeding because my wealthy mate was apparently off the planet on a dating site out of this world. The officer let me go with a warning. "Don't drive over to John's house at 2am without dressing." When i explained John's beans were pre sauced requiring no dressing as such the officer nodded. Warned me not to go around with my opener out of its can as it could be used as a weapon of mass baked bean destruction. He asked if i wanted a ticket. I replied,"no thanks i have plenty of BB labels."

Arrived at John's place to be greeted excitedly. We cracked a couple of BB cans. Watched his monitor. John clicked on a dating site called Throwup. I don't go on dating sites myself because they can make you sick! This site was absolutely out of this world and off the planet!

John clicked on ENTER. The most beautiful woman i have ever seen appeared on the screen. John typed his age in. Twenty five baked bean years give or take a bean. Address, 69 Baked Bean Drive Texas. Second opening past factory B. The stunner spoke. Smiled demurely. She leaned forward. Her low cut dress revealed her cleavage. Two above average size perfectly shaped baked beans. John went crazy with desire.

She leaned back, no visible support. "John don't get excited. On the planet of Throwup there are only 69 males, 69 females."

John frowned. Sipped on his BB latte. "But why you gorgeous out of this world stunner? I can see in the background 68 holograms of beautiful women with baked been breasts any man would die for!" She grimaced. "I know John, thank you for the compliment, but the God who made the planet of Throwup saw what was happening on Earth; its over copulation and over population. Decided to instill a love feeling unlike Earth's orgasms. We don't orgasm and feel that wonderful feeling-we throw up. Hence the low population."

John nearly choked on his BB latte. "Then why on Earth have you presented as a dating site? You are just like Earth dating women. Cold BB grabbing saucy women labeling men on!"

"Hush John." She adjusted her BB bra. "John, no other man can get onto my site. I choose you because i know you are hurting from your break up with Betty. John and Betty BB breakups made me Scotty. I believe that if you have the time we could make love and with you i believe because i've checked your BB DNA -i would not throw up. Therefore if you'd like to share a BB latte and go of the planet-your place or mine- Throwup could be curtailed and just maybe i could have your BB baby?"

I lost track of John. He sold up his BB empire i heard. Then, a call just tonight. I knew it was John ringing STD from Throwup because i could hear a BB baby giggling in the background. The sounds of BB bottle feeding. "Hi Ralph." "Hi John. How's it going?" "Well Ralph. Having BB S with this beautiful woman who no longer throws up is wonderful. Together we have thrown up the population by one BB. I must go...Eve wants to partake of the forbidden baked bean. I'm not coming back. My work here will never be finished. Would you like to visit Eve's sister. Under the eaves?"

" thanks John,bit sick of BB'S. But you continue your saucy life."

Guess the moral is, if your missus goes off the planet and throws up at the mention of S...can it! Soothe her with a John and Batty story until she's not feeling so Scotty. Make her a nice hot cup of BB latte. Hold the sauce. My apologies for the fifty shades of baked bean sex. You see some reconditioned beans are in the grey area if you get my drift. :>)

About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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