THE NEW WEDDING CRITERIA SWEEPING THE AISLE OF BLISS. RIGINAL.
Don't read on if you disagree with my proposal. Conundrumatic as it is. My name is Mary Marry quite contrary. How does your garden of desire grow? And don't give me that crap about cockle shells. Anything remotely resembling a cockle...leave it alone! More like it girls, you may suffer shock shells when you find out you've married; or at least got a partner unbeknown to you, who has "pretty maids all in a row." So you start rowing. Back peddling. It's a given. Men cannot be trusted. Trust me.
I am a born again marriage consultant with a doctorate in every major town. I used to rate the male doctors majorly uptown and downtown according to my whimsical at any given moment of desire. As a woman who has made a study of the male species in detail, (their tails/tales vary) i can safely say with aplomb, or even without a plum between my cute lips...men are only good for one thing. Scratching their buns whilst simultaneously trying to scratch ours! I say desist this instance and listen up girls. The hand that kneads you could not only become a permanent 'handy man' but rather a downright awful thing hanging off the end of your ignition key. Assuming that's where you keep him.
Actually men are also good at pulling corks out of champagne bottles. Quite simple really. Make sure though girls you shake the bottle well before you handover the sparkling to Mr. Sixpack smart arse of the,"you women are so feeble." You 'wilting' women will have the satisfaction of 'feebly' trying to extricate the resultant exploding cork grenade from smart arse's manicured eye. My advice is to leave it there, ring a doctor. When he arrives grab two glasses, the frothing bottle, and leave the party with doc in toe. If he's not too heavy you may want to take his person with you as well as the toe.
Don't get wrong. The very fact that i'm gorgeous and i'm sure you are too,puts us at the advantage. I know i know, i seem to be in two minds about male man. At one stage the mailman only knocked once which was indeed a disappointment. If you should come across or quite near to a mailman with a black 'corked' eye or thigh. He's had a run in with Mary. Serves him right. Drinking champers and peddling don't mix. I mustn't dwell on the postman so i'll get him off my chest and present you with my original intent. I have worked out a marriage ceremony that i believe will grab both partners hands down. No cork or pun intended.
Okay, the wonderful day all women ascribe/ look forward to, arrives. Your divorce comes through sooner than latte. Maybe you're in the middle of your latte girls. I'm joking. I threw that in just to liven your latte up. Down to business. Your special smitten man has kept his hands/glands to himself. He is respectful, he acknowledges the screaming six kids are his doing. DNA, (Dear me Not Again!) has ascertained they are his. He does the right thing. Goes straight to court and tells the judge he's gay and was absent. And that you girl lost control of your convertible and hit a sperm bank...six times! Of course the judge raises an eyebrow. Maybe because he's had a cork recently removed from his eye!
Look i jest. Let's get back to normality. The guy has no intention of backing out. Perhaps if he had of in the sixth place you wouldn't be in the position you're in now? That's academic. Your man gets down on his knees in the laundry. He's trying to fix a leak but suddenly grabs you by the legs,hoists you up on the washing machine because you are better at stemming leaks than he. While he's got your attention he says simply..."will you Mary Marry me?" I've used my name so as not to confuse any of you girls into saying, "not until i fix my leak!"
Now this is wear, sorry, where, you say. "Leak fixed, ok, i'll marry you... i'll rock up to the church after i feed the kids." NOW! here's the rub. Normally the bride looks radiant on her wedding day and the groom looks great wearing a corset and suitable clean runners. Hopefully left and right runner of the same make and color. With socks. But WAIT! This dressage is perfect! My new idea and i can hardly contain myself, (if you girls had of you wouldn't be where you probably don't want to be?). You both turn up looking like something the cat dragged in. Smelly, optional. You, the female, look resplendent with grease on your face, hair vacuumed in fifty shades of disorder, zip undone on dirty overalls. He, shorts half mast, corseted to prevent spillage, looks equally disheveled. The kids shake dirt out of their hair, look cute in their knockabout strategically rap- ripped jeans.
THE REASON for this attire is formulated simple. Usually the married couple looks the best on their special day. Now, after about a year and reality sinks in, you both get a bit how shall i put it...ragged. Think about this before you erase my idea from your minds. As you both get older, under my supervision, you turn from 'ugly ducklings' into beautiful swans. Incrementally you get better and better looking in each others eyes...beautiful. Make up, thin sexy silk dress. Alternatively the bride can do the same! It's in effect, reverse psychology of marriage. I give you my word, divorce will not find a crack in my idealistic pursuit. On cold winter nights in around 20 years time when you're made up fit to ravish you'll be sitting on the lounge in your make-up and wedding dress laughing and pointing at each other's photographs declaring how ugly you both were on your wedding day with odd runners, mad hatter hairdos with a grubby corset barely holding your hairy tummy in.
The kids spick- and- span laugh with glee at the previous two hobos. I personally think my new/old grubby wedding idea will take the world by storm. If indeed married couples to be are interested please contact me ASAP. I personally can't see any hitches as long as you both wear braces on your special day! So go to it in the laundry girls. Make sure that vibrating leaking gasping washer is turned off and speaking clearly. "Will you marry me?" Yes, two lovers are something to behold. A French friend of mine said she had the same feeling when she got her first pony on her eighth birthday...of course when the waiter asked her did she want it well done or medium rare my friend Little Lady Godiva picked it up and galloped out the door with it! I'll tell you that story when i learn proper English. I do know she grew her hair long.
Girls please, if you're married and a bit sick of your partner put your wedding dress on. Please don't throw your marriage out an open window. Leave it closed and throw him THROUGH the window. But just remember your marriage vowels, "A! E! i! Owe you nothing!" Settle down girls. Stand by your man. Or on him! Maybe chain him to the kitchen sink? Have a great marriage, remember, many a true word is said in joust............good knight, sweet dreams Lady Contrary. :>)