Thursday, February 21, 2019

Die hard?.......................RIGINAL.

by riginal (writer), moe australia, December 14, 2014

I have to start believing eating paranoia is but a passing phase. Otherwise i'll have to eat my words before i pass dietary sentence? :>)


Forget about other diets. I have just returned from England and witnessed this diet first hand. Went to a night race horse meeting with a pom. Olaf took a stab in the dark, placed 90 pounds on the nose of a horse named Rapid Loss. And yes you've guessed it. Rapid Loss DID...rapidly. Came last simply because the 90 pounds placed on his nose fell off. Instead of soldiering on and trying to beat the other horses, Rapid floundered round in the dark trying to find Olaf's nostril money.

Okay, my name is John Smith. I used to be a fat ugly lazy slob, so fat i had a fat chance of living beyond my means. Which means living was fast becoming lifeless. One day a gorgeous lady had to crawl out between my legs to free herself from a lift i was stuck in. I still am. That lady said to me, "you're a fat lazy slob and you'll die a horrible death. You'll marry." She wrote her mobile number on one of the folds of my belly which disappears when i laugh.

I finally freed myself from the lift. A passing forklift gave me one. Concerned that i was going to end up a fat lazy ugly slob i rang Mary. Mary as it turned out, is one hundred and twenty years old. When i entered Mary's cave in a nearby mountain guarded by a thin hairless Yeti, i knew my life was about to change. You start laughing with a Yeti's teeth clamped on your stomach and i think you would agree that the sooner i got on to Mary's secret diet the sooner the enraged Yeti guard would let go...Yeti didn't. Until Mary prized him off with a sharp credit card cut. Don't go away as i'm going to tell you how the Yeti and Mary look like they were born yesterday, they looked so muscular and fit. As opposed to the fit i was having trying to disengage the Yeti's teeth.

You can stop reading this instant but then you won't find out why Mary Mary quite contrary looked like a gorgeous young lady. So did the Yeti. Mary pulled an ancient manuscript written in a tongue some thousands of years old from underneath a rock. The tongue spoke. A very strange dialect. Plain English. Turns out there writ to whit 12 commandments on the parched parchment. It was thirsty. It gasped out secrets of dieting and the fact that for only one minute a day of easy access you can get off your fat weak end and lose hundreds of pounds at the racetrack she had built round her cave, or, lose half your weight before the weekend coming up. Which year contained the weekend she wouldn't say. Without further ado i'll, or should i say, the tongue will; tell you the secret to becoming a youthful spunk. The main diet lynchpin secret after the following. If you follow this diet and exercise regime Mary, tongue included, will return your fat within 30 days if not completely satisfied. No longer do you have to suffer from stupid people claiming that THEIR diet works. They bloody well don't, Mary swears on and at it. Please, do not mention this diet to your fat friends. They'll only want to join up too. But you're the lard ass picked because Mary is so sick of crawling out between my legs when i take a lift. Thank you Mary. Of course Mary will take you on also if you have at least $30 in your account but you must ring NOW! As long as you don't try to get in a lift with me.

Here's the secret mantra handed down from generations. I'll translate it from plain English which a lot of people are reluctant to use these days.

1. You must first look in a six square feet mirror. If you can't see some part of your body within that measurement ring Mary.

2. If Mary isn't home leave a the Yeti's gums are sore.

3. You must drink 80 gallons of water a may be thinking,"piss off!" This may occur sooner than you drink.

4. You need to eat as much fat as you can because fat doesn't put on weight. But wait! Are you hearing right? If not Mary can stick a loud speaker in your ear or if you're from the Bronx, a ghetto blaster. Or you could do what most people do to clean their ears out. Stick car keys, sticks, rifle barrels or butts in your ear canal. You may crap yourself at the R and B gun connection but as you will notice, when you're over the barrel or under it quite a bit of weight loss will occur.

5. You must eat solids, no, not barrels or rifle butts unless they are eaten raw, as opposed to hearing the roar!

6. You must not sleep. Sleep is a nuisance. Just eat. You will fool your metabolism into thinking you're thinking. Thinking is a brain exercise, if used regularly will cause you to sweat. The food you have consumed will just leak onto the floor from the pores of your sweat. Promise.

7. It is a fact that you can eat as much greasy food as you wish. You see NO food is bad. Ancient Greeks used to put grease on their buns. So slippery true grit had to be added to the grease to enable the local Greek Salad Police to come to grips with vege thieves after clandestine meatings whence they planned their thieving little slippery buns off in lieu of. In turn they slipped off the loo.

8. Do get a thorough medical check up of the lift door. Once you have the all clear you can start lifting whatever you like and shoving it in your gob.

9. Your heart is very useful but some people place too much importance on it. If you have any pains at all i stress and go to great pains in doing so. Go straight to the doctor at big Macs. All their food now is certified to have no relevance or anything remotely to do with health. Good health is not that important. Being on the ball and fit is. Don't start bawling, having a fit, if you disagree.

10. No pain, no gain. Again i stress, and therefore stress i'm sure will agree, proof is in the pudding, heap the cream on. There is good and bad stress, so don't stress too much over it and start tearing your hair out because you don't want the hair on your cream strangling your dietary conscience or tonsils, if you haven't already swallowed them.

11. DO NOT start exercising, if you must , use your little finger which will become very strong after you use it to point at the food your now slim body craves. Wack some make-up on, hit the streets of slimsville with Gusto our Greek grease monkey available 24/7. You girls may follow suit because now it fits and you've thrown your body stocking away. Or eaten it.

12. DO NOT do any of the above in case you haven't realised it is a load of crap. So is Mary and her Yeti, but in case you still want to follow in the footsteps of our tried and true diet, send us $30. This is cheap because the edible fudge diet book alone cost thousands to produce.

Last but not least Mary's rock which was on the manuscript of healthy aching; would probably be a great optional short cut still in its infancy stages and won't be finalized due to testing for about ten years. This latest rock deviation which is a chip off the ancient rock of Gibralter,works thus. Mary pounds the rock a few times on your little fat digits which in turn can't pick up anything at all to eat. Strangely enough Mary has run out of volunteers? I had to write this post after reading a new diet exercise program not that far removed from my spiel. Reputed to be valued at $200 dollars but reduced to $30! Honestly i'm getting so paranoid about these blatant ads full of bulldust i may launch my 'safe' diet. Lock your food in a large safe, swallow the keys. Sound crazy? Not as crazy as the desperados swallowing condoms full of drugs which could do internally what the intended use for them was originally! Until next time i bitch...have a great day, there's a new 10 day week coming out in a few daze, honest! I bet you wish there was.

Incidently, i was watching a medical program on stents. Serious. As you all know, stents being metal can indeed promote a blood clot causing death. The medical science guys are currently coating an anti-rejection coating on the metal stents with a human type of artery exact that mimics the existing composition of arteries but the old "it will be ready in ten years" rears its time factor head. Never forget when i was seventeen and a half a doctor told me,"ten years time your disease will be eradicated."

Never mind, so many diseases that could be pushed forward in a co- operative world group involvement for cures. Just need people to stop warring for a while, divert warring funds? so that people could be cured some, so that warring and killing each other could resume when everyone fighting is in good health. Makes about as much sense as some of war's skirmishes whereupon an allowed brief lull in the fighting enabled the opposing soldiers to come together for a chat etc, show each other photos of their loved ones, have a bite to eat, then resume killing each other? Go figure. What a crazy planet, or more to the point, crazy people off their planet. Maybe lack of "planned it." Never mind, "PUT THAT CREAM CAKE DOWN! NOW!...put your hands behind your back, okay, you may eat but make sure what you eat won't be held against the lift! Or your stomach? :>)

About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
Want to write articles too? Sign up & become a writer!

1 comments on Die hard?.......................RIGINAL.

Log In To Vote   Score: 0
By Ahladita on November 04, 2015 at 04:56 am

Good way to lose weight is following a diet plan, like paleo diet

 Report abuse

Add A Comment!

Click here to signup or login.

Rate This Article

Your vote matters to us