Thursday, February 21, 2019

Perfect Woolen Men. RIGINAL.

by riginal (writer), moe australia, December 14, 2014

Knit yourself the perfect man, or take a leaf and knitting needles out of Prof. Sobeit's book of yarn. Single file?


No such thing? Probably not, because as a friend of mind said, and rightly so, there are indeed so many connotations of perfect.

Perfect meaning faultless. Would it be near enough then to say perfectly fine will do less a few of the finer points?

I talked over this subject with a Prof.Sobeit head of human relationships at Harvard; if you're lucky enough to get a word in with female's. Creator of 'a woman's knitting guide to knitting up a decent man.' The Prof. so be it, wrote his second book,complete with one pair of knitting needles and a large ball of white wool, after the occasional discourse he has had with members of the opposite sex whom on the whole had sexual and emotional opposite views on what a woman wants from a man,or any man. Some of course DON'T want any man and never will because they're quite happily involved with no one but themselves which makes it so much easier for the single lady to walk away from a relationship with herself and wave goodbye to herself on HER terms, without the trauma of waving goodbye or smashing a prized vase over someone they could have had but didn't want to simply because there was no need to. Prof. Sobeit's first foray into writing, his first book complete with emotional fire extinguisher entitled,'what the single and previously burnt woman doesn't want' sold out. Actually fired up.The book was highly flammable. Hot women,or at least those hot under the collar, grouped together with a singular purpose. To take the Prof. for a burn round the Harvard block,with him tethered to the back of their singleseater cars. He rang me in desperation shouting, "what on earth do female's want, i'm single, a handsome Professor, i take my boots off in bed. I don't pick my nose and if i do i flick miss piggy far enough away even in windy conditions so there's no returns. What should i do Ralph?" I was on my way to interview the guy so i did the right courageous thing. I turned around, drove back home. Rang him back and replied," they'll cool down, write up a knitting book after you come out of hiding or from the hiding you are about to receive. I can't understand them either,hell hath no fury like a women sprawled all over your campus with lighter fluid. Ring the fire brigade?" Write a cookbook for women entitled,"cook up a man using their dough?"

That type of relationship for some can be the very baste...assuming they cook the recipe of romance according to their taste,or lack of it.

Dinner for one can indeed have the resultant feeling of utter freedom from that choice. Very fulfilling. If indeed after your meal you're feeling frisky as in "painting the town single red." You can put on a record of YOUR choice from the Independence label, open the drawer that contains a knitting book pattern of YOUR perfect man written by the good Prof. With the aid of a few glasses of what turns you on and off, you can take out your knitting needles ladies and knit up your perfect male facsimile as a precursor to having at least a woolen knit twit blueprint a lady can carry in her purse or 'baggage' so that if an opportune moment arises when she is having a coffee by herself at the local single compound, and telling her friends how singular rather than plural advantageous it can be to pull out the finished knit,roll it out next to your latte, and if a guy-NOT a perfect guy because there isn't one now is there girls- walks past, and resembles remotely, (if you like to control a 'considered' man with a remote?) what you've may want to try your pattern on him.

I hear, rather smell, the good Prof's hot Alfa pulling up. I'll record our interview.

ME:" Prof. Sobeit...what made you write this knitting book apart from your desire to find out what makes a woman sick of men and no intention of ever finding the perfect relationship and their unwillingness to realize that God put man on earth to mow the lawn and drink beer. Or at the very least drink beer?"

PROF:" Ralph i thought if a woman knits up the man of her desire in her own good time between having a wow of a time on a single play record aspiration, she may like to at least have her ideal woolen man hanging round on a hanger to get used to a 'hanger on' which indeed men can be."

ME:" Do you think it will catch on?"

PROF:" Well, i've draped a woolen man over a few burnt and single women but as long as they keep the knots out of their ideal man he shouldn't catch on anything...nor should he pull the wool over her eyes if the lady in question keeps a safe distance from her blueprint and doesn't bat an eyelid."

ME:" Prof. where do you think mankind went wrong with kind women?"

PROF:" Obvious as the woolen man on your face Ralph, ANY kind of woman wants a man to listen to her knees."

ME:" Don't you mean needs Prof.?"

PROF:" Know, i meant knees, the woman sits with my big ball of white wool on her knees, constantly moving her knees together so that the ball doesn't fall off her lap thus not only does she have control over her knitting, her knees get exercise...knit one purl one...a hypnotic effect. Indeed, a few of my volunteers actually fell asleep on their woolen men. One woke in fright, confused, rang 911 and screamed, "come quickly i was having a ball with a woolen man,woke with his loose threads all over me."

ME:" What happened?"

PROF:" The operator queried." what's the problem...have a yarn with him?"

ME:"Prof. What is YOUR definition of the perfect relationship between a man and a woman?"

PROF:" Well Ralph men are from yarn women are from needle. If men would stop yarning and yawning and put a smile on their face while a woman's needling. Mowing the lawn while they're needling is acceptable...with a beer in each hand and waving. That is the perfect relationship with himself. If you want the ultimate relationship though, buy a ride- on mower, invite a single woman over or one who doesn't want any sort of relationship. Hand them my knitting book of the perfect knit wit man, sit them on your knee, mow gently round the edges and you never know they might just knit up a similar shape to the mowee. You could both end up having a ball as long as you keep her knees up off the grass."

ME:" Have you tried that method with a woman?"

PROF:" Yes, she crossed her knees, fell off, chased her ball of wool down the grass. Yelled at me to get knotted."

ME:" Goodness! that doesn't sound like a perfect relationship Prof.?"

PROF:" Sobeit...there's no such thing Ralph!"

ME:" So are you saying women should just knit their perfect man and sleep on it?"

PROF:" Or roundabout. The book has done so well i decided to pullover a book for men on how to knit the near perfect woman of their dreams."

ME:" What would she look like overall Prof?"

PROF:" Ummm...shaped like an upturned coke bottle in overalls, gorgeous smile on her face, blowing kisses, locks the mower in her hand."

ME:" How about a beer in both hands to share a toast of affection?"

PROF:" Now! that's a perfect relationship Ralph."


Just kidding, some women don't like beer and it certainly doesn't promote or become a mainstay of true love. But then that begs the question,is there such a thing as true affection or true love or is that too a compromise and something not to be taken for granted. So many variables, so many knots. Single or plural, have a great day. /:>)

About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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