Wednesday, February 20, 2019


by riginal (writer), moe australia, November 11, 2014

The ultimate info on car buying no other car buying book can teach you.


Okay, you've all bought a bomb at sometime in your life.

I'm Honest Al,not to be confused with "by Al you've bought a lemon...BRO...HONEST! I've taken time out, (be out in 3 months with good behavior) to explain the ins and outs of car buying. You can go IN via the car door, then OUT through the floor.

Rust can be a problem when you rush in. If you do think for one moment the car floor has a hole in it place a hand up underneath the car where your feet would normally be. If looking from above in the interior there's a milk crate substitute for a seat and you see a hand protruding from underneath then this is a definite indication that the hand may well be yours and if so as i suspect, this in turn indicates rust.

Ask the salesman to crawl under the suspect hole while you stare from above internally. Poke a stick down where your feet would normally rest, assuming the car has a brake and clutch pedal which some people don't normally use due to the fact some sleazy sales folk try to convince you are optional extras only to be required for grating gears and braking. Certainly not a requirement these days as evidenced by the number of busy people who have no use for these 'extras.'

Okay, wait a second after you stick the stick down. If you hear a yell from the obliging salesman from underneath the car of your dreams and he rolls out from down under with the end of your stick snapped off and stuck up his bulbous red veined nose, (he could be a drinker?) then you can bet your bottom nostril there is indeed an unholy rust problem. That's not to say the car's not worth buying. If indeed Rudolph the red nose in pain dear signs a formal declaration preferably on the dash that he won't dash off and will strap himself up underneath the hole in the floor so you have a 'footrest' on his lying face and is prepared to stay underneath there until the floor is repaired, making it roadworthy, and is also prepared to work the clutch from underneath manually by hand in case the clutch pedal is missing...PLUS reach out and grab the front wheels in a minimum attempt to slow you down when required in case one day you would like to stop for a stop sign which most people in America on occasion like to do-then this car could indeed be the one for you...a barge on...sorry, bar gone.

Pertaining to this car purchase should you decide to grieve ahead, ummm, go ahead, here are some vital hints.

1. Can you afford this charmer?

2. Is the milk crate adjustable fore and aft so that you can stretch your legs out on the obliging salesman's face, preferably on his teeth? As your driving may in fact set his teeth on edge when you stop. Has he got any teeth? Are they roadworthy? Minimum tread? Does the milk crate have full electrics...milk container headrests?

3. Does the car have wheels...with tyres?

4. Act cagey, pretend the car has faults even if it doesn't! Ask the salesman for a guarantee his face won't fall off before the floor gets fixed. Don't worry too much about this though because car salesmen are two-faced. Put the spare face in the boot. If your dream car doesn't have a boot put the spare face in the salesman's boot. If the salesman doesn't have a boot either, sock him. No holes in sock as his face will fall out. Thus he can't save face and operate his crutch at the same time to change his gear. Unless the change is automatic.

5. Make sure your dream car has a steering wheel. Sure! You can use a ratchet to steer but if it slips you'll end up rat shit! Oh dear,i point off!

6. Don't worry about a windscreen because some dumb arse will swerve into the gravel in front of you and instead of a stone crack you'll just have a head crack.

7. Helpful if the car has an engine...if it has the engine in the back as a result of a light accident check it has oil and no rattles. If it does have rattles and you have a baby this is a bonus.

8. Get the car checked out by an independent person...the salesman's alcoholic mother. Make sure the front end isn't saggy, aligned. Check the car's as well.

9. Haggle, get extras thrown in or at you, like side windows, rear vision mirror, bonnet...with bonnet straps and matching necklace.

10. Scratch the paintwork all over with a shovel to make sure the car hasn't been resprayed.

11. Check the glovebox for left over gloves.

12. Make sure the tank is full of petrol. If you smell petrol don't be alarmed. It was probably the short sighted garage kid sticking the petrol nozzle up the exhaust.

13. Ask the kids are they strapped comfortably in their milk crates.

14. If the car hasn't got a plasma cd, wii fi wacky do blue green and yellow bluetooth connectivity, boom boom 8000 "watt! i can't hear you?...what's that? There's a car salesman stuck under my car! ...." don't buy it.

15. Here's a great tip after you get your dream car towed home...or you may prefer to have it towed to a not- so- great but cheaper tip where the car can sit and rust. Don't forget to unstrap the salesman from underneath and strap him with the strap for selling you a bomb.

16. If you check out the above and are happy and contented with your purchase let my under car brother know as we like repeat business and my brother stands by his rust...or underneath it.

17. Don't stop laughing...what else is there? Have a car...sorry...carefree weekend. Don't put your foot down too hard. An undercover salesman may bite your foot! Remember, don't let the neighbors admiring your purchase use the Lord's name in vain. They could be jealous. Yours Sincerely Honest Al...when i get out i'll join my bro in selling yews cars from L :>)))))

About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
Want to write articles too? Sign up & become a writer!

2 comments on CAR MUSTS..........RIGINAL.

Log In To Vote   Score: 1
By Barbara MacDonald on November 13, 2014 at 06:33 pm

lol...good advice and even my ex husband managed to buy a lemon one time...but we learned from that...seems they had the oil almost empty for a soon as we filled it up, it started blowing blue smoke...solution...he rebuilt the engine and put it in. Now I only trust Al to buy a car from or even to fix any problem. I know he is honest, which is hard to find.

 Report abuse

Log In To Vote   Score: 0
By riginal on November 14, 2014 at 04:26 am

So what you're saying Twinkle toes Madam Butterfly is that in essence you wouldn't trust me? :>) Neither would i girl. Hey,you're looking good. You're a busy girl. At least i check everything out thoroughly. And thank you for your input on facebook young lady. You is in much demand.I'm emailing you just in case you need 'topping up' but you is independant! And thank you for your facebook is one of a kind. :>)

 Report abuse

Add A Comment!

Click here to signup or login.

Rate This Article

Your vote matters to us