Wednesday, February 20, 2019

How Christian of you...RIGINAL.

by riginal (writer), moe australia, November 09, 2014

Xmas brings with it a lot of mixed stockings...unfulfilled some filled, if you're lucky............:>) ?


I just have to tell yews these true stories. A few years back a "careful with my dough" friend (hardly rings now) went into a prohibited Xmas tree 'chop' area away from prying eyes. He picked out a very nice 'free tree.' Full of good cheer/shear?...with axe.

Dragged the tree back to his wagon...lo and behold! Another alike thinking freedom blighter/fighter (hellbent on unwinding the law?)... 'free tree' purchaser, made a spur of the mad moment decision to borrow my cunning friend's extensive tool kit from his unlocked wagon as an early Xmas present to himself.Something 'borrowed' something blue?

I know i know...Karma at Xmas time should take a 'free spirit' holiday...his extensive tool kit did.

A while back, same friend went fishing in a strictly banned fishing spot. $1200 fine! Some people just seem to get hooked on Karma now,don't they? Don't get me wrong, he's just monetarily very careful...extremely sew. If something indeed needed sewing he'd plunge into a haystack looking for a 'free' needle. Maybe he should have plunged into a 'free' haystack rummage in his conscience before the above occurred? Guess there's not enough honest pricks to be found...needless to say?

He's an extremely funny former friend though. After fixing something in the rear of his wagon for nothing i mentioned that it was annoying to get hit on the head when the heavy tailgate crashes on ones noggin because of the useless telescopic stay worn out, depressurized was it. The next time he came round for a free mechanical help out i noticed a distinct change of attitude towards 'no expense' maintenance on his rear lid. Yes, the defunct ram was still there. BUT! to assist, he had not pinched a secondhand tailgate 'stay' in the form of an old broom handle! No sirree! A brand NEW broom handle! To sweep one of ones feet or head? Another friend was sitting in his upgraded broomstick wagon with me one night. I had put petrol in it as a precursor to getting back home. I had also bought a few cans to imbibe on the way home. My friend driving the wagon is strictly non drinking when driving which we all adhere to when at the helm. Wagon owner in an out-of-character show of generosity said he was going to shout pizza. He went into the shop,ordered. My mate sitting with me smirked as he read the 'specials' sign on the window. "Two smaller pizzas, cheaper than one big one." "What's the bet," smirker smirked, "for the sake of saving a lousy dollar or two, he'll rock up with the two 'a bit cheaper than one' package deal on meal." We shook. Pizza pal couldn't understand why we cracked up when he opened the lid on the 'two a bit cheaper than one' deal.

I'm the opposite, which is just as bad, i'll give you anything...probably worse scenario in fact. Never mind, he was a great guy to hang out with when i lived close to the city and i miss them both terribly. The bustling city and those crazy manic two. Times change, wish they hadn't.

Anyway you can't go back. Was bemused by a "so! you want to pack on lean muscle in thirty days (daze)" ad on the internet. What? My interpretation? "Ring now and we'll send a dazed six pack body builder you can lean on for 30 days?" The lean on ripple effect?

Getting close to another frantic Xmas pre ad bonanza "order now or be damned by your damn frantic kiddies of all ages?" ie: "Ms. Muffet toy store warning you now parents! Xmas isn't far a whey so start whey in front kids, by 'milking' mummy and daddy NOW! kids! Or SUFFER!"

I know i know! i'm sounding like a cynical wish fest festering grown up stuck in a country town which i don't want to be in AND i don't!. When i was a kid all i wanted, or wished for, was a tree house...didn't get it. Neither did most post war large families. The only thing that kids of the present day present will get the way the present day shredding pulp ad mill production branch is continuing unabated...will be a paper chase. Reams and reams of glossy flyers in your mailbox . An imaginative kid could build a paper tree house? Some of the more fortunate kids the actual toys added?

Went to Church today for the first time in about 45 years. Not much else to do here. Made a wish. So did my missus i think.

See, i got real angry the other night talking to my wife, she hasn't the strength to let go of an out of control BP daughter. My wife sent me this card for our 43 rd anniversary. My missus told my daughter's shrink she loved me and wanted to be with me. The shrink said not at this stage because every time my missus comes to see me, which 'aint often as we'd like, my daughter "acts up" manipulating...threatening to suicide. And trying. 33-year-old won't let go. And the lady in the church said "God is with us all the step of the way...holds us in the palm of his hand."

I've brought the subject up before about mental illness, The lack of facilities. Wife is meeting with similar parents, they tell her to go back to me.Tell me something you religious guys, people of God, if i took your reason for existing away, IE: gutted your marriage, took your wife away, far enough to isolate you, could you cope? You tried everything but nothing has worked? Could you cope? I wonder...? If i took the shrink's husband away, could she cope?

This is the letter i received verbatim for our non celebrated 43rd anniversary. Are you listening God? I wonder?

Dear Ralph,

"No words would ever be enough to say how dearly you are loved. Or how much you mean to me. With all my love, Yarja."


Ralph, sorry it has to be like this at present, (ME: Doesn't have to be girl!) hoping one day things may change for us. You're always thought of as a loving caring person, and generous. Missing you always, in my head and heart. Love always, Snoopy.(Yarja)."

Well my daughter :>) what you don't know is i spent all the other night with your mum, and we had a ball! i mean out out of this the planet ball! You were at your so called friend's place. You rang and asked your mum to pick you up as you couldn't sleep and mummy runs round like your slave,grabs you two sleeping tablets. "Don't come home!" You wanted to know what the banging noise was in the kitchen. Nup, it wasn't the mad $1200 dog you demanded that you never take for a walk and it wasn't the TV as your mum said.

See, you have your mum not scared of you, (think she is still though) but more scared of what you are capable of doing. And you're not taking your meds,i can tell. And it was kind of you to let your mum visit me recently for one fantastic night after i used a bit of reverse shrink and told your mum; using your vernacular of manipulative behavior ensconced in you by self,my spoiled one, "if you don't come down today i'll run this high powered car into a tree...full stop." It worked. You said to mum, so kind of you..."GO TO HIM NOW MUM...before i change my mind!" Wow! Thanks. And it was kind of you to say to your mum,"mum...we f.....d up with the money!" Lucky i've got a sense of humor. Why am i telling you guys this before Xmas? Maybe because someone else with the same or similar problems will feel an empathy...or, do you want the truth? Maybe it is "I don't think you're listening God? Too many other far worse things going on in the world...too terrible to contemplate." My oldest half sister whom my mum belted and she bears no grudge, said this the other night. She made me laugh so much. "You tell your daughter from me she is very very naughty!" My other sister who was present at the upheaval and tried in vain to talk commonsense to Miss Muffet, said, "she is far worse than mum ever was,she's evil." Maybe not, but the scientist's still ponder. A man can only take so much? Yeah...and then some. You know, this statement is going to sound ridiculous,but i delve in the ridiculous thank God. When i was in Church today and i heard for the trillionth time "Jesus died on the cross for our sins..." ETC... (or such) i didn't kill him nor did you guys? We weren't even born? Prior arranged unborn sin by proxy?

Think about this, is life a preordained full length movie? We are just so many controlled puppets/actors going through the motions...our lives so much in Gods hands? Not as free willed as we'd like to think? Why purposefully create Adam and Eve and the intrinsic TEMPTATION in the first place? If not partaken theoretically of the forbidden fruit what then? Think about it! Sorry, that's just theory. Is it through "forced sin" pon us we even exist to perform? A lifelong sentence before life itself?

Actually went to Church at the Seventh Day Adventist group as my oldest S.D.A sister just lost her husband and i thought i'd go. The minister started,"i am not praising myself, BUT, i turned up at our recent working bee, didn't even have to ask the Lord, just mowed the lawn. Three people of our faith turned up out of the whole congregation." Okay, here's my beef, instead of dressing up to worship the Lord every weekend,why can't the physically fit just work that day as substitute praise helping say a pensioner re: putting a fence up etc.Some probably do. Obviously the infirm could rest. Same with a lot of religions. Most,without exception, think THEIR religion is THE only one. RUBBISH, (in my opinion!) If they all agreed in essence that the basics of religion has its roots in worshiping God, then why the hell,no pun intended, can't a nucleus or common ground agreement be reached by all in TOTAL worship as a group? I don't include religious wankers that use it as a idiotic front to destroy others.

Another interesting thing was the elderly woman with elderly commonsense, who, on the church steps, replied in answer to my question, "yes, you're right, the problem is, people construe or take whatever from the scriptures, and like word sculptors, sculpt whatever they will to their own individual configuration/ends...for better or worse." Am i wrong? Is she wrong?

Hypocrisy aside, but it can't be totally pushed aside? My mate's missus was formerly married into a wealthy family. The first time she dined at her husband's parents, she started eating, not realizing their faith demanded prayer before and after a meal. Nothing wrong with that...a lot of people do it. What stuck in my mate's missus's craw was the fact that her husband's mum although a pedantic prayer etc, used to change the price tags on antiques etc prior to an auction, and similar, as antiques were their lifeblood business. Hence at certain 'unreligious' times it was okay? Don't get me wrong, we all sin...God said so...but conveniently...a few prayers of repent heartfelt a few minutes before you depart...and all's well? Leave behind an honest inheritance? Is it that simple?

This 'aint a "poor me" blog i guess we all have some sort of cross to bear or get cross perhaps at non existent crosses?

A guy i just met at the Church,great guy,i met him previously at the slots with a beer in his hand SHAME!...a liberal guy. His Asian wife came up to me after the service and said, "do you go to Church?" I said, "nup." She looked taken aghast, "oh!" she blurted out, "then you're not a Christian?" I said with a shrug, "i've saved two person's lives...does that count?" My new found friend told his partner off. "You don't have to go to Church darling to be a Christian." That's what i mean, so many contradictions. Variable religious graphs of what is and isn't according to variable shifting grey thought.

The last lady up on stage was a thin 60-year-old. She was great to listen to, on and on about how she was lost, a ratbag, in a real bad way. Needed saving. I could relate. She married the main speaker. She had been saved. It was about this time i started to wonder if i should have been a man of God which would then enable me to save, or savor someone having a wretched time. With my luck they'd probably prefer the wretched time? I say this with respect. I have heard of the power and read of the 'broken heart' syndrome which i guess could be overpowering for some whom could dwell, possibly be soaked in the waters of spiritual which i guess is the ultimate pinnacle? Pon a break up or down...very hard to return to a run-of-mill or will, relationship? A really pretty 20-year-old came up and gave me a coffee, my friend said that was the formerly lost woman's daughter. Then a lady came up to me and said if i came back Thursday night it was salvation 'save' night. Maybe i should have substituted my daughter?

The second church, the Christian Church of which i just mentioned, i found great. Band, singing, opulent surroundings big screen broadcast and they didn't ask for anything. Did i find God? Didn't know he was lost to be honest. Actually i find it hard to find where i park my car! Seriously, i don't think i'm going to have a great Xmas because i won't wake with my arms round someone who loves me. Never mind...tomorrow's another day. Might get my son, who gets a bit selfish sometimes but keeps saying, "i love you dad " to ring his sister and ask if it would be okay if her mum visited dad. Oh, and if i've insulted anyone inadvertently...please form an orderly line. And don't give me a one out of five score like i received from my,dare i mention the word? Lesbian post!

A woman put a flyer on the notice board of the Mall in town alluding to presenting a writer's group meet, (not really a Mall, tiled path with a roof) Bronwyn was her name. This former priest had an ABC just started bookshop for more info. I don't know why God sends me in certain directions? God? Or mischief? I rocked up to an old house just up the road from my old house. Dirty great brown smelly dog tried to eat me through the door. There shehe stood in herhe skirt. A transvestite as the former preacher man said. I said, "hi Bronwyn...buddy?" Gosh! That's done it! One out of five score here again!

Talking to my son at the weekend in the big smoke. Thought i'd see how well i'd brought him up tolerance wise. "Met Bronwyn in town, a transvestite writer..." "So what dad?" That's my boy! Goodness sorry...i just lost another point...point being, who bloody cares as long as the person is a decent human being. And anyway who are we to judge anyone? Have a long one for me. My missus said if i told of what us 'two teenagers' got up to when the 'boss' was away she'd be embarrassed- angry. Wasn't angry at the time. And she loved the embrace. Sleep well daughter, what you don't know won't hurt you and your mum 'aint gonna dob me in. Had a crazy thought that crazy night...i was going to leave my wallet behind in the bed and or not tell the missus she'd better put the other coffee cup away...and get rid of the two Jim Beam cans! Gosh! just lost another point! Christians don't drink do they? That stupid animal went crazy that night. My daughter's pooch was out of control too. Whoops! Lost another point. Have you ever got on an electric treadmill and...oops! Must go, i'm writing out a Xmas invite to myself. Missus hasn't rung for a week. Maybe she has stopped loving me? Hasn't asked for a divorce?...maybe it will arrive on Xmas day? If you find God tell him i'm thinking of him,shouldn't we all? Have a great day...religious or otherwise... :>) .

About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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