Thursday, February 21, 2019

A toast of sorts. RIGINAL.

by riginal (writer), moe australia, March 12, 2014

Having dough is one long as you don't burn it.


Staring at my toaster. I know i know, you're thinking "gosh golly you people in Australia have narrow perspective, a toaster is a toaster." Yes but mine is rather like my attitude to life,simple. I purchased a SIMPLE toaster. It...wait for it!...reflects heat onto bread and turns it into either toast or charred simile because i had it set for high- heat 'crumpet' which as everybody knows takes three days to cook on 'normal' toast range so you turn it up via umpteen knob settings (on expensive browners ) that you need reading glasses to see. Invariably the next time you cook toast you forget to moderate the knob back to 'normal' "don't burn the ass out of your toast remember you cooked crumpet last time" setting. You burn the ass out of the bread and set off every super sensitive house alarm/video which can detect movement (if you're a politician you're stuffed) and particulates of dust raised by a weary cockroach shuffling by wearing slippers on its way to bed in your popcorn remnants that fell down the back of the sofa. Are you with me so far? Point is this. I bought a cheap two slot toaster that cooks toast. This is where i'm devious,bordering insanity.I DON'T touch the one simple dial even when crumpet time comes i just keep pushing the trigger down and when it pops to the shade i like i extract it. I know it's wasting valuable time when i could be doing something useful like purchasing a twenty slot 'neighbourhood' toaster with 'mildly gay' 'bi-medium' 'hero- sexual upper crust singe' and 'all out gob smacking-'just before' setting off the aforementioned alarming videos- deep James Brown,no racial inference intended, in fact if us white people are so damned clever then why don't supermarkets sell James Brown bread that you put in the toaster and it goes white! Now who has egg white on their face?...ummm toast.

My point is this. If you don't have a tribe to toast for do we really need multiple slots? Think of the power that could be saved also if door-to-door 'toast' police fined those mindless idiots who delight in the eccentric stupid behaviour of simply pushing the toaster lever down manually, randomly, throwing browning caution to the wind,simply because their bread thinking 50 shades of grey/brown flipping down the slot causes them some sort of latent amusement. A heavy fine and toaster sent to the scrap yard for destroyment and recycled to metal-shipped to China- to be turned into a simple toaster would be in my opinion a fitting punishment.

When i come to think of it why on earth can't an army of toasters patrol the streets 24/7. Just like the ice-cream man you ask the family what shade toast, you give your bread to the mobile toaster who pulls out a colour chart-you choose-simple. This would create employment and i for one would love to step outside for a bit of non-manual automatic crumpet. I mean violence would decrease, when's the last time you heard of someone getting stabbed or shot with a piece of warm toast or freshly toasted crumpet?

I rest my toaster. Had to...the cheap and nasty flip down switch just broke off. Honestly, can one over-imbibe in too much crumpet? Should bread n' crumpets be pre-toasted in supermarkets, negating the need for toasters altogether? So many little time.At the end of the day i think messing with the public's dough is a bit of a violation...although our governments can't seem to keep their hands off it...maybe that's why the public gets so browned off?

About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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