Thursday, March 21, 2019


by riginal (writer), moe australia, February 17, 2015

Below the surface of a great nation lurks a submarine boomerang of an idea.


If all the cars in the world were parked end to end the guy at the end would be impaling his horn with an arrogant finger, screaming out, "what's the f..##$%$% hold up!" The woman at the front parked in the 'no parking' zone sideways in lieu of picking her kids up shouts back..."it only seems like yesterday a mother could block off the rest of the traffic in the world without a car in the world! However, all is not lost. If you all back up one car length i can drive up my driveway and you can all "beep! beep!" off!

If all the "do you know what you're doing dear?" women 'instructors' asked their D.I.Y. henpecked husbands that question simultaneously the overall response if converted to suction wouldn't have the sucking propensity to cause oxygen to take a deep breath. Hence the male exasperated expression, "oh for sucks fake beer, get me a dear!" That's the problem with D.I.Y men. Somehow with little encouragement they always manage to get things ass about. Or do they do it on purpose in retaliation after drinking the fake beer?

That's enough nonsense, Australia as you all know is a leader in world politics...and one day soon there will arise from the ashes of clashes and head banging bashes-a definitive leader! These things take time. I received a misdirected important top level letter among my usual threatening bills today. I really shouldn't be telling you of the contents but if you are having a bit of a break from buying bags, watches, or watching bags, maybe bagging essays? As opposed to just bagging the aforementioned purely out of fun as i know it is up to the individual what he or she considers to be pertinent in respect to whatever turns them on...or for that matter, off.

May i make this point. What the hell use is an expensive watch, (unless you're a timepiece showoff?) when for a fraction of the price you can buy a cheap chuckaway that will last your lifetime with the added benefit of no assault but the occasional battery. As opposed to some desperado assaulting and battering you in an effort to relieve you of it.

More to the point, everyone i ask for the time, without exception, yanks out their mobile thingy. Am i wrong? If you agree then why the hell the big ask of a glamorous watch? Oh! i'm sorry! I forgot. It's a must have for people flogging them! Silly me. And of course! One must have a watch so the excuse is there at that boring party when you fling your wrist in the air with a dual purpose. (a) To administer a knockout blow to the bitch wearing the same designer dress. (b) "Oh my! look at the time! I must be going!" then the watch lady tears off into the night without her date, wiping off his saliva jell as a result of him licking her arm for the last hour. Some men are like that. Some lick some chew. Not my business. It's your arm girls. At least if you're wearing a watch,(possibly impregnated with anti-desire barbwire?...(he may just have got out of prison?) could slow his teeth down, unless of course he has hurdling teeth?

Okay, back to the very important letter i found in my box. It regards Australia's intent to beef its defense capability by the introduction of submarines. Apparently highly trained scuba wearing kangaroos have been tested and failed. They were incapable of getting the jump on defending Australia...against our politicians.

This letter i'll print verbatim which is partly submerged in secret talk between our PM and our defense minister regarding the proposal of submarines.

Dear Mr. Temporary PM. this is your D head Sub man spanking. Dated, the year of the DAG.

"Sir. Glad you were able to hold your seat of power. Power seats are great. So are 'whitewash' windscreen washers. I was going to get an essay writer to write this for me but he couldn't spell secrate. Sea crates are no good for stopping underwater insurgents with crabs. I agree with you sir, that our 'round' thingys are our best defense. Now that you have informed me that you will not accept ex German U boats retrofitted with nuclear wooden paddles, i and my team of designers who all wear designer watches and carry tote bags in case we have to bail out incoming heavy essays, have all agreed with you that we have to start from scratch. We are all scratching. You see PM it's the crabs. I passed the message on to the boat builders that the subs must be built BEFORE we go on board. But no, they started to build the boats down under, the crabs came, but after beating them off we changed course. After feeding the crabs watertight dog food they agreed to build the subs with these stipulations as per your barking orders...stupid as they seem. (a) The subs must be able to go underwater if need be. The crazy head crab engineer Sanner Claws, suggested that we make the subs in the shape of crabs which is ridiculous because if they made it out to the Bering sea and lost their bearings-bearing in mind the crab nets- the crab subs would then be chucked mistakenly into a crab freezer. Frozen nuclear crab subs could turn up on diner's plates and imagine the complaints sir. "Waiter! I've just swallowed a torpedo clause! I'm ticked off!" Silly idea. (B) You want a simple sub coming in round about 4 billion each roughly. We'll have to cut a few corners PM but we will use extra glue and non rusting rivets to hold the rudder on. I take note that you think that a rudder is very important. Surprises me sir as you yourself have been rudderless against the tide as Rudd was? (C) You want stealth? Low lying in wait...for God's sake PM become a politician sir! (D) We'll have to delete the periscopes due to costs but we have heavy duty straw substitutes...the type you grasped at when you survived the 'spill.'

(E) You want a war machine capable of making America stand up and take high notice of us? May i suggest sending each and every American worth our salt a tall non-rusting aluminium extendable ladder? (F) You say that you want a front end full of chrome like a 56 Chev? Can do. We'll steal some Chevs from Cuba. If they protest we'll steal Cuba! (G) You are intent of having a long range boomerang missile of such distance it will come back and blow up your backstabbing backbenchers? Done! (H) Are you sure you want surround sound in the torpedo tubes when we can chuck a few howling pensioners in the tubes as a cheaper option? (I) Do you really want sheepskin covers? Disco lounge? They'll get drenched in the conning tower if ever you go for another dive? (j) Twin exhausts? Reverse mirrors? Regarding the full ahead speed we have to compromise sir. The crew will look ahead...and get habitually full! (k) Yes sir, we can paint your face on the keel. A warning you will not be trod on no doubt. We have some old nuclear/leaking engines which run on fuel leaks from sinking oil tankers so in fact sir we will be able to stay submerged for as long as you're in office. Or three weeks if overtime is introduced.

In conclusion we have done a mock up of you at the helm of Australia sir. As you have done for us. We all wish you the best of luck and may the crabs be with you...maybe they already are? Have a barnacle free weak end sir and may you walk the inbuilt plastic retractable plank with pride sir. Don't worry,be stroppy. You have our best wishes for a long time carer...sorry, career.:>) Actually hope the sub idea is shelved as most of the already attempted didn't fare well. Who the hell is going to attack us anyway. Maybe we should all take turns to watch. Now there's a bright idea for a waterproof timepiece. Hard to fathom some people's intentions.

About the Writer

Bio...bioio...daylight come an i wanna go home. Come missa tele man tele me banana. A banana tele? Seriously would like to hook up with other comedy writers to engage.
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2 comments on IF....................RIGINAL.

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By maymay on March 27, 2015 at 02:29 am

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By riginal on April 02, 2015 at 03:19 pm

maymay may your rolex's roll on to someone's blog who deserves-more importantly- NEEDS an imitation watch not worth the plastic it's printed on. MAYDAY MAYDAY! The British are cunning? :>) I notice your last word 'lemon' aptly describes your plastic ticker?

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