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Vampirism: Real People, Real Vampires?

by Ely North (writer), Holy City, USA, January 28, 2013

Advice to a mother whose son thinks he's a vampire

Dear Ely,

My teenage son is such an idiot. A few months ago he started dating this dark-spirited death girl, and she has him convinced that he’s a vampire. Now he’s dyed his hair black, and he dresses in black shirts, nut-hugging tight black pants, and black boots. He hides in his dark room all day, to the point that he’s becoming pale and sickly. He built himself a coffin to sleep in. He wears fake fangs, and he wants me to pay for oral surgery so he can have “real fangs” implanted. Creepiest of all, he wears a small glass vial of his girlfriend’s blood around his neck. In just a few months, my son has turned from a sweet young man into a grotesque freak of nature. What can I do to save him from his stupidity?


Vampire Mom


Dear Vampire Mom,

Your problem has inspired me to a vigorous session of internet research, which was informative, startling, and hilarious. There is an entire subculture of people who believe they are vampires. This is not the innocent playtime belief of a child pretending to be Batman. No, these people believe they are genuine vampires. They claim to have physical and mental powers beyond those possessed by normal people. Many even boast of their ability to imbibe large quantities of human blood.

There’s an entire vampire community out there. They have their own bars, support groups, and special events. There’s even a dating website for vampires. It’s bizarre.

And here’s the best part. There’s a bitter resentment on the part of the “real” vampires toward those that they consider to be fake or “poser” vampires. They get righteously angry with the people who only pretend to be vampires! Can you believe it? That’s like me going to a Halloween party in a Chewbacca costume, then picking a fight with someone in a similar costume because he’s not really a Wookie.

The whole vampire scene is ridiculous, and your son is in danger of getting sucked into it. If you don’t do something soon, he could fall prey to this popular subculture and end up wasting half his life pathetically pretending to be some bogus mythical creature. You must show him the error of his ways. The time to act is now!

Go down to your local community theater and hire an imposing-looking struggling actor for a one-time role: The Vampire Slayer. He’ll enter your son’s room while he sleeps, bust open his coffin-bed, and attempt to stab him in the heart with a sharp wooden stake. All the time he’ll yell, “Death to the vampires! Long live the human race!” Your son will freak out and defend himself by crying and whining, “Stop! Don’t kill me! I’m not a real vampire!” Once this confession is made, the actor can leave.

Your job is to record this entire scene on digital video. Later on, play it for your son and his girlfriend so they can see just how ridiculous he really is. The truth, coming from his own pale lips, will set him free.

Peace, Love, and Slaying Vampires,

Ely North

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7 comments on Vampirism: Real People, Real Vampires?

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By riginal on January 28, 2013 at 08:55 am

bloody funny Ely!

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By melanie jean juneau on January 28, 2013 at 09:41 am

riginal: BLOODY funny?? ha :)

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By JP Vanir on January 28, 2013 at 07:33 pm

I think this article is bloody ridiculous and and prejudice I could call him a rascist if I considered Vampire a race but I am not sure what to compare it too as nobody can prove what it is or if it even is but you can not prove it isnt so its just being close minded like most christians - perhaps you are one of them?

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By Ely North on January 28, 2013 at 09:08 pm

1. The article is intentionally ridiculous. That's half the point.

2. You think I'm being prejudiced against imaginary beings? Is that even possible?

3. I'm not a Christian, but I do believe in Science. Here's an article about physicists proving the non-existence of vampires:

4. I'm all about being open-minded, but not when it comes to taking legend, superstition, or myth as fact. (Which is kind of why I'm not a Christian.)

5. Have a nice night. Lock your windows so the vampires don't get you.

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By riginal on January 28, 2013 at 10:40 pm

"the whole vampire scene is ridiculous" see story.I'm sure Ely is trying to convey that? Jack and Jill went up the hill. According to the original 'roots' of this nursery 'modification' the original participants fell down as a result of being beheaded. Four n' twenty blackbirds baked in a pie? Inhumane? Un- christianlike? What happened to "let your imagination roam?" I 've yet to read in the media tripe of "vampire mass sucking the answer to obesity?" I'll stake my life on it. I thought it was bloody funny. There is tangible proof vampires exist. Every year they congregate in the TAX return department in sombre suits. You stake a claim. They whittle it away with hocus pocus and 'back tax' magic."Most Christians close minded?" Whoa! prejudice get thee behind me! Or at least loosen the strings on the cold cloak of "life sucks". Wouldn't we all rather be sucked up in a life of warmth and merriment than to get sucked down in a pit of angst? I'll reiterate and paraphrase and repeat Ely's endings. Peace Love. It's not so much what other people perceive you or your writings to be or not to be. It's how you feel within. Ain't it great to be able to argue and discuss topics sensibly like two grown-up vampires and at the end of the day not be dark on each other?...WHOOPS!

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By ConnerKent on January 29, 2013 at 12:37 am
Lady, I sincerely hope that he is not listening to this tattered! The problem with his son is what many of us, many HLV (Look for the sign on the Internet) have or have had in the adolescent stage! His son identifies himself in the picture too "fantastic" Vampire! This is wrong and in our community to educate not to, before sending his son by psychologists and doctors, before you follow stupid advice, before you ruin it seriously, it must give the benefit of the doubt, and if you need to talk to someone just look for us! if I may ask you to quietly give my email! Regards, Conner Kent
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By ConnerKent on January 29, 2013 at 01:54 am

The abbreviation H.L.V. and 'an abbreviation for Human Living Vampire. Included in this definition are contained all the main characteristics of being to which it refers: first, human underlines the fact that no mention of legendary monsters or immortal beings with magnificent powers, but thinking human beings and anthropomorphic, similar in all respects to the ordinary people you meet every day. Living, confirms the concept that it is not undead creatures or cursed, but of the living, who like other suffer from symptoms of old age, followed by physical development over the years and are linked, ultimately, to 'sensory universe and concrete like everyone else. Vampire and 'finally shows what the term' that distinguishes these individuals, and makes it a class apart from humans, characterized by their own needs. In fact, these individuals need to take the life energy that sustains them, in different forms and with different methods, by taking it from the outside, since it has its own "domestic production" enough. A H.L.V. can 'therefore be considered a "predator" of energy, which feels the need, for their own welfare, confine itself' the "life force" of others. The term H.L.V. (Human Living Vampire) indicates a category of human beings and mortals, who all have one thing in common: the need to take energy from others and the discomfort felt when this is not 'possible. This need, which manifests itself in different forms depending on the circumstances and individuals (some experience psychological distress, while others manifest physical symptoms) is called "Thirst". There are no fixed rules and fees to characterize a well-defined HLV, every single vampire and 'different, with its own peculiarities. E ', however, can list, beyond' the Thirst, some of the most common to the "vampires": first of all 'aversion to sunlight. Often, in fact, a H.L.V. reported burns or irritation following exposure to the sun, and in some cases also warns headache, nausea, dizziness. The part generally more 'sensitive to light of a HLV are the eyes, which may water, be red, irritated or swollen even in the presence of too much sun. A vampire is generally much more active during the hours of darkness: many HLV are hyper-active during the night and not feel tired and sleep, which instead are very strong during the day. Another point common to many vampires is a development above the average of one or more ways: many HLV, for example, can see clearly better than an average individual, especially in low light conditions; others have a hearing particularly sensitive, and are able to perceive sounds at frequencies that most people do not feel or does not distinguish. From the psychological point of view, finally, many HLV have an unstable character, with frequent mood swings that take them to alternate moments of deep depression on others to joy and vitality. The characteristics listed are just some of those presented by the different stakeholders, especially the most widespread and common, what makes this a vampire, however, and 'Thirst: if an individual does not feel this need can not be considered a "vampire ". The term "awakening" is used to define the period in which a HLV realize to be such. The awakening of a "vampire", the statistics say, is in general in the period of puberty, and accompanies the physical and mental development that marks the transition from the age 'childhood to adulthood. According to other opinions instead, the period in which a HLV awakens and 'subjective, varying from person to person as both timing and duration.

If you have any questions let them, I seem to have been exhaustive, I understand that for those unfamiliar with the subject is something strange! Greetings again, Conner Kent

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