My teenage son is such an idiot. A few months ago he started dating this dark-spirited death girl, and she has him convinced that he’s a vampire. Now he’s dyed his hair black, and he dresses in black shirts, nut-hugging tight black pants, and black boots. He hides in his dark room all day, to the point that he’s becoming pale and sickly. He built himself a coffin to sleep in. He wears fake fangs, and he wants me to pay for oral surgery so he can have “real fangs” implanted. Creepiest of all, he wears a small glass vial of his girlfriend’s blood around his neck. In just a few months, my son has turned from a sweet young man into a grotesque freak of nature. What can I do to save him from his stupidity?
Dear Vampire Mom,
Your problem has inspired me to a vigorous session of internet research, which was informative, startling, and hilarious. There is an entire subculture of people who believe they are vampires. This is not the innocent playtime belief of a child pretending to be Batman. No, these people believe they are genuine vampires. They claim to have physical and mental powers beyond those possessed by normal people. Many even boast of their ability to imbibe large quantities of human blood.
There’s an entire vampire community out there. They have their own bars, support groups, and special events. There’s even a dating website for vampires. It’s bizarre.
And here’s the best part. There’s a bitter resentment on the part of the “real” vampires toward those that they consider to be fake or “poser” vampires. They get righteously angry with the people who only pretend to be vampires! Can you believe it? That’s like me going to a Halloween party in a Chewbacca costume, then picking a fight with someone in a similar costume because he’s not really a Wookie.
The whole vampire scene is ridiculous, and your son is in danger of getting sucked into it. If you don’t do something soon, he could fall prey to this popular subculture and end up wasting half his life pathetically pretending to be some bogus mythical creature. You must show him the error of his ways. The time to act is now!
Go down to your local community theater and hire an imposing-looking struggling actor for a one-time role: The Vampire Slayer. He’ll enter your son’s room while he sleeps, bust open his coffin-bed, and attempt to stab him in the heart with a sharp wooden stake. All the time he’ll yell, “Death to the vampires! Long live the human race!” Your son will freak out and defend himself by crying and whining, “Stop! Don’t kill me! I’m not a real vampire!” Once this confession is made, the actor can leave.
Your job is to record this entire scene on digital video. Later on, play it for your son and his girlfriend so they can see just how ridiculous he really is. The truth, coming from his own pale lips, will set him free.
Peace, Love, and Slaying Vampires,