74 results for 'humour'
Just when I thought that the banking system in certain countries left a little to be desired, I ran into some odd people at the local branch of my bank in Malta. The problem was that since my ATM card has just expired I had to go in and speak to someone.
I waited patiently and browsed a 3-week old edition of the “Financial Times” while I was at it. This did not bother me much – I planned to spend time at the bank and I figured that whoever keeps their reception area up to date would not be the brightest bulb in the drawer, if you know what I mean.
Once a “Customer Service Official”... (more)
You know how it is. If it’s not your best friend’s mom it’s your mom’s best fried. Older women, they’re only after one thing. And it’s your duty, as a nice young man, to make sure that they don’t get it. It is their husband’s duty to perform the function that they require of you and you should feel under no obligation to satisfy their sordid needs.
They will try many ploys to get you into their clutches, but the smart guy will be wise to their evil ways and avoid these traps. Some of their strategies include asking you to mow their lawn. This is particularly dangerous in warm weather... (more)
Dying is easy, comedy is hard.Old adage and old thinking, invented by writers and performers who wanted greater kudos for a craft that was deemed to be less worthy because it dealt with the amusing. Comedians, writers and performers, want to not only make people laugh but to be taken seriously as well. They thought they were being linked back in time to village idiots and court jesters, buffoons and the lame-brained. It didn't matter how much they got paid, they still had to wear that damn hat with the bell on the end.So they absolutely had to insist that comedy was such a difficult craft to... (more)
SEX FREQUENCYDear Willie,How often should a married couple (17 years) make love? Berenice and I normally manage once a week, but she insist her friends are doing it much more often, but I find this hard to believe. Jocelyn is buck-toothed and Eva lacks girly bumps, so I don’t see their husbands being too keen on their conjugals. Anyway, Berenice thinks we should be at it like knives but I am afraid I might hurt my knees. What do you suggest would be a suitable frequency?Roland, Alice SpringsDear Roland,The frequency of conjugals is always a hard call as women have many calls on their time,... (more)
Hello, yet again, my problem pals, Willie here with his mountains of wisdom to lighten your load. I can proudly declare that there is no problem I cannot resolve. Take my challenge, send your problems to firstname.lastname@example.org and I will resolve them in the twinkling of an eye with my exclusive access to centuries of Scottish lore.PANTIESDear Willie,I recently met a chap and subsequently, as it was my birthday, he bought me a gift. I was shocked to find that the present was a pair of edible panties. What does this mean?Shania, AzDear Shania,It seems perfectly straightforward to me.... (more)
Welcome again, my dear troubled friends. Once again I, Willie, the Scottish Sage, am here to help you out with my incredible wisdom. There is no facet of the human condition that I cannot give you sound advice on and that’s a promise. Send your problems to me at email@example.com. And great news for all you troubled folk, Willie’s Wisdom will now be appearing on an internet near you TWICE a week. So, abandon hope, despair! Incidentally, my interview last week has fair got you interested in me. So, as a wee treat, I’m letting you have a look at where I live. But on with the show.SAGE... (more)
Well, here I am again, dear friends, dealing with all of the problems that ail you with my all-encompassing wisdom. For those who have not visited before, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage, and what I don’t know wouldn’t fill a midget’s matchbox. But on with today’s session, read and learn!LESBIANDear Willie,I am 21 years old and after several failed relationships with men have decided that I will become a lesbian. However, I am unsure how to proceed with this course of action. Does one have to sit an exam or anything? Please advise.Karen, WinnipegDear Karen,It’s not widely known but lesbianism... (more)
Well, back to the advice, my wee friends, after my revealing interview last time round. The Inbox has been fair bulging with your requests for help, but I am not daunted and ask you to bring it on and I will fight my way through your many problems. Send your grief to firstname.lastname@example.org HAMBURGERS & PIZZADear Willie,We have recently moved to Seattle in the USA from India as my husband is a software engineer. My problem is that I cannot convince my children to remember their heritage by eating our traditional curries. Instead, they prefer to eat hamburgers and pizzas and suchlike... (more)
I know you’re fed up to the back teeth with hearing about this, but I have amazing new evidence that Global Warming is caused by sex.But first the science behind my conclusions. You are no doubt aware that when you rub two items together you create friction and therefore heat. So, obviously, when you rub two humans together you create an incredible amount of heat. And, let’s face it, there are millions of people every day who are having sex and the amount of heat created is enormous. Some sex addicts are doing it two or three times a day and that’s just a prescription for suicide, because... (more)
They say you can't, or shouldn't, analyze humor. That to analyze is to destroy. Be that as it may, what follows is a short look at a brief sketch I wrote for radio. I didn't set out with the aims I ultimately describe, only to write something funny, but if it helps anybody else who wants to get into comedy writing so much the better.
(A howling Arctic wind is blowing.)
COMMENTATOR: (a fairly close relative of David Attenborough)As we look across the icy wastes we see an age-old sight that typifies life here close to the North Pole. A lone figure beside a hole he... (more)