159 results for 'humor'
Santa Claus has made my shitlist. He didn’t bring me the new bike I wanted for Christmas – just a bunch of socks and sweaters and other crap no proper kid would ever want to unwrap. It’s so unfair, because I was really good all year. I tried real hard to always do the right thing, and I didn’t get in trouble at all. Why is Santa blackballing me? Is there anything I can do to talk some sense into that chubby tub of lard? Is there an appeals process I can follow to get the new bike I so well deserve?
Once a palace of heavenly rest and a fountain of renewal and refreshment, my bed has transformed into the Gate of Hell, a portal to a dimension of fear and terror. Nightmares stalk my sleeping mind every single night. Dreaming is psychological self-torture: I plummet helplessly from great heights; ferocious predators maul my feeble body; murderous maniacs pursue me through unfamiliar streets; and people I love and trust hurt me in unthinkable ways. The details may change, but the horrifying nature of my dreams does not. I don’t know how long I can continue living... (more)
I’ve heard that the world is supposed to end on December 21, 2012. This is the most horrible news I’ve ever heard! My 21st birthday will be on December 22nd. If the world ends, I’ll totally miss out on the biggest birthday party of my life! Think about the scope of this tragedy. I could die without ever knowing the joys of getting shitfaced in a bar, doing shots from a hot bartender’s navel, dancing with drunken fat chicks, and vomiting in a filthy toilet stall. It’s not fair! If the world ends on the 21st, I’d have to consider myself the unluckiest person in the... (more)
I hate Christmas, with a passion. When I was a bratty greedy child it was my favorite time of year. “Santa” always brought me what I wanted, even when I deserved to be on the naughty list. But as I’ve grown I’ve become aware of some saddening facts about this “magical” season, which have totally turned me against Christmas:It’s unfounded. It’s supposed to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, but according to Biblical scholars, little baby Jesus popped out of the Virgin Mary’s holy hole in the springtime, not in December. Paganism. Early Christians aligned Christmas... (more)
The coffee was delicious. The view was spectacular. The company was warm and friendly. And the conversation soon went from smooth, easy talking to, well, her experiencing senior moments and me dealing with obvious gaps from destineesia, Menopausal Moments. “...So where was I going with this...?”
We made a comical pair, my mother and I; a perfect setting for a comedy. We talked about old movies, a favorite past-time; we named actors of today and those now gone, until we began drawing a blank that is. We gave each other clues and suggestions, hoping to jog our memories. After knocking... (more)
I got beef with childhood obesity – it’s ruining my life. My son is a bona fide fat-ass. He’s only ten years old and he already weighs almost 200 pounds. His boobs are bigger than mine! It’s gross. He’s revolting to behold, and I’m concerned for his health. He never gets any exercise, and he only eats fast food and junk food. I’ve tried to guide him into healthier habits, but when he doesn’t get what he wants he throws a fit and sits on me. Once he actually broke my rib. I’m scared of the fat little monster, so I constantly give in and continue to enable his... (more)
Two gay homosexuals recently moved in next door to me. They’re really nice guys – they baked cookies for all the neighbors, they helped me rake my leaves, and they never throw any of those outrageously flamboyant parties that their kind are known for. However, I don’t approve of their lifestyle. I find their homosexuality to be fundamentally immoral. It totally goes against nature, and it’s an abomination in the eyes of God. I don’t care how nice they are or how well they play the part of the perfect neighbors – what they do in that house is wrong, and I can’t... (more)
I hate my stupid brain. It always screws me over at the most critical times. Traitor! I’m an adult going back to school at a community college, and I’m failing. It’s not that I’m dumb – I’m actually pretty smart. I pay attention in class and understand the material, I work hard, and I study a lot. But when I show up for a test, no matter how prepared I am, my brain lays a turd. It starts with negative thoughts – for some reason I tell myself I’m going to fail. From there things spiral out of control: my mind goes blank; I forget everything I learned; and I totally... (more)
I’m a nudist living in a community that’s quickly going downhill. The people of Wandering Eye Nudist Colony are split, and it stinks – much like the stinky split that divides a naked rear end. There are several hotly debated issues that are polarizing our population and creating a gaping tear in our social fabric. Life here is becoming unbearable. People constantly argue. The atmosphere is one of discontent, ill will, and anger. I feel very strongly about the obvious choices we should make, and I don’t understand how people could take the other side. If they... (more)
This menopausal post is written with a great number of Italicized words and EXCLAMATIONS, both known to be seriously harmful to the eyes!!! You have been warned!!!!
So what annoys me to no-end? Actually, since becoming menopausal, what doesn’t!!! From the moment I get out of bed…NO! From the moment I step outside my house…NO!! From the moment I get in the car and am on the road, mingling with other drivers, I am like a woman on a mission!!! Not that that is what I was thinking I would do when I got up that morning. Stuff happens!!!
Basically; don’t get in my way! Don’t cut in... (more)