159 results for 'humor'
My teenage son is such an idiot. A few months ago he started dating this dark-spirited death girl, and she has him convinced that he’s a vampire. Now he’s dyed his hair black, and he dresses in black shirts, nut-hugging tight black pants, and black boots. He hides in his dark room all day, to the point that he’s becoming pale and sickly. He built himself a coffin to sleep in. He wears fake fangs, and he wants me to pay for oral surgery so he can have “real fangs” implanted. Creepiest of all, he wears a small glass vial of his girlfriend’s blood around his neck. In... (more)
I’m a robust young man in the prime of my life, but I have a debilitating fear: death. Just the idea of ceasing to exist, or the visual image of my cold dead body decaying in the earth, sends me into a panic attack. I can’t breathe, and I get tunnel vision and feel like I’m going to pass out. This happens several times a day, whenever I think about dying. I don’t sleep well anymore, and I can’t eat. I’m afraid to leave the house because I might get struck by lightning or hit by a car, or I might catch a deadly disease from someone on the street. My fear of death... (more)
A world with "Stepford Husbands!" Now that’s a world I can certainly live in, happily basking in coddled indulgence, in spite of the constant nuisance of hot flashes and irritability!
Imagine this: your “Stepford husband” has prepared a foot-spa with perfectly warmed water, lavender scented, for your tired, aching and swollen feet. He is smiling adoringly, smelling delicious of his woodsy and spicy scented cologne, dressed in perfectly tapered jeans and pull-over V-tank-top, showing off his matured though chiseled body, painstakingly kept well all these many married years. He has gone... (more)
I just lost the greatest job a man could ever have. I was a pizza deliveryman: cruising the town all night in my black Trans-Am, all the chicks checking me out, blasting Van Halen on my system, sipping beers, and bringing people pizza. And when I arrived they were always so happy to see me. I was living the dream! But then one night I got pulled over and arrested for drunk driving. Can you believe it? I mean, I’m a professional! I’ve been doing this for years! Just because I blew into the cop’s little machine a red light buzzed, I lose my license and lose my... (more)
...This was the lesson that I ultimately learned from my hero, The Dude.
Despite the failure of my misguided “Dude Experiment,” I still highly recommend The Big Lebowski to anyone who loves a smart comedy. The movie has so many memorable qualities: a plotline full of surprising and humorous events; a slew of strange and hilarious ancillary characters played by talented actors; sharp, well-timed dialogue loaded with profanity; and comically trippy musical interludes. It will definitely entertain you, surely make you laugh, and perhaps even inspire you to change your life,... (more)
So to see them now, as they peacefully roam my property and graze without a care in the world, knowing no harm will come to them. Why, it’s enough to melt my once icy heart, like butter left in the scorching sun. Yes, a family of deer, at least a baker’s dozen, does indeed walk among us. For them, this is a Deer Haven. How beautiful is that?
From any of the windows in my home these gentle creatures can be seen and admired. I wake in the mornings and open my bedroom windows to see them quietly nibbling the bushes. I see them throughout the day, scattered in the front or backyards, nibbling... (more)
My co-workers have robbed my dignity! I work in a customer call center for an insurance company. Recently I had an obnoxious caller, so I pressed the mute button on the phone and cursed him out. (This is a common practice for customer service representatives.) But I accidentally pressed the speaker button, so the customer heard my foul-mouthed assessment of his intelligence and attitude. All my neighbors heard the customer’s irate response, and his demand to speak to my boss. A few minutes later, the boss called me into his office. I felt like I was walking to... (more)
A creepy ex-colleague freak is stalking me! What started as a cute crush has progressed through several shades of weird to achieve full-fledged stalker status. He actually got fired because he spent so much time groveling at my cubicle instead of working. I gently (then increasingly more firmly) rejected his affections, but nothing deterred him. That day he waited at my car after work to tell me he didn’t care about being fired – all that mattered was our love.
Now he’s everywhere I go, constantly following me. I’ve even caught him sitting in his car outside... (more)
There’s a hot guy at my gym who I really want to date. He’s super cute, has a great body, and he’s nice and sweet. The problem is he’s really dumb. Not to be mean, but he’s like borderline retarded. I know we’ll have no future together, and I couldn’t imagine having a serious relationship with him. I just want a quick hot fling with this sexy hunk of meat. But I feel like I’d be taking advantage of him, just using him for sex. Is it wrong to date someone so stupid, for purely selfish sexual reasons?
Love Me a Dummy
I’m getting old, and I hate it. My skin is wrinkling, my face is sagging, my hair is turning gray, my teeth are turning yellow, and my boobs and butt and drooping towards the ground. I’m starting to look like an old lady, but I’m only 55. I feel like I should still be in the prime of my life. I’m not ready to be elderly. I refuse to fade into decrepitude. I want to be youthful and attractive forever. Help me look younger! Help me find the fountain of youth!
Old Before My Time
Dear Old Before My Time,
I vomited twice... (more)