159 results for 'humor'
I am fairly certain that I don't suffer from multiple personalities, but I do hold court with some wild voices in my head. It's not that I believe they are part of me, nor do they possess my thoughts, but they are definitely looking for an outlet. One such character plagues me.
This is the voice of Mama...who is giving words of advice to her young son. I am told that people don't always heed good advice. More often than not they see it pass by and wave. I suspect this is what's happening here. A little counseling about the birds...the bees...the wasps...the hornets...and everything else... (more)
This loser I work with keeps asking me out, and it’s really annoying. I’m a total hottie and he’s a complete geek, so he really ought to know better. I mean, I do flirt with him sometimes. But that’s only because he controls the office supplies and I’m always in need of extra white-out. (I make a lot of mistakes, and I like to sniff it!) He should realize I’m just using him, yet he persists in asking for dates. I can’t just shoot him down for fear he’ll cut off my white-out supply, so I always make up some obviously phony excuse for why I can’t see him this week.... (more)
I want to get high, but I can’t find any drugs. I’m an accountant, and during tax season work is so stressful that I need to get high to relieve the tension. I don’t have any friends who are into drugs, and if I approach my co-workers looking for a source I could get myself fired. Last week I went over to the shady side of town to try to buy some crack or whatever from a street dealer, but I didn’t know what I was doing and I got arrested. The cops let me off with just a warning and laughingly told me that people like me shouldn’t be buying drugs on the street.... (more)
I work hard for my money, and I think it’s about damn time my money starts working for me. Right now it just sits in a bank account, earning hardly any interest. Lazy-ass money. I want to start investing it. The problem is, I know jack-shit about investing. Stocks, bonds, portfolios – I don’t even know what the hell those words mean. Make it easy for me. Tell me where to put my money so that it’ll make me even more money.
Lester the Investor
Dear Lester the Investor,
I also know nothing about investing,... (more)
My crazy-ass girlfriend has turned Valentine’s Day from a relaxed celebration of our love to a pressure-packed referendum on our relationship. She says she got me “the perfect gift,” and she expects my gift for her to express my feelings for her as well as my hopes for the future of our relationship. What the hell does that even mean? What am I supposed to get her? A dozen roses and a box of chocolates? That seems too ordinary. Expensive jewelry or a fur coat? That seems too extravagant. Tickets to an opera? I can’t believe I would even suggest such a thing.... (more)
I’m single and frickin’ sick of it. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’m thinking of joining an online dating site, but I’m not sure if I should. It’s embarrassing to admit that I can’t meet anyone on my own, and if I met a boyfriend online I’m afraid that people would think I’m a pathetic loser. I’m also afraid that a guy I meet online might turn out to be a freak or a creep or a pervert – the internet is teeming with predators, and with my luck I’d land one. But the biggest reason I’m hesitant to dive into online dating is that I’m a big believer in fate. I... (more)
My boyfriend is a degenerate gambling addict. I wouldn’t mind so much if he won a ton of money, but he sucks at gambling. Last month he lost our rent money, and I had to beg our landlord to give us more time to pay. Odds are it’ll happen again someday soon, and then we’ll be out on the street. My boyfriend realizes how serious the situation is, and he says he wants to stop, but he just can’t do it. What can I do to break his addiction and get him to quit gambling?
Dear Loser Lover,
Your boyfriend... (more)
My conflict resolution skills are seriously lacking. When people disagree with me or criticize me, it really pisses me off. I work as a Business Analyst – my job is basically to analyze our company’s data and make recommendations to improve our profits. I’m excellent at what I do. My insightful recommendations are always accurate. When I present my ideas at meetings, I only want my co-workers to like me, respect my intelligence, and acknowledge that I’m right. This doesn’t always happen, though. Often some dim-witted colleagues will inexplicably criticize my... (more)
Each can bring on shivers to near convulsions; each can cause you to break out in hives and/or full sweat. And each of these can quite unexpectedly stir from within a colorful dialogue composed from thin air, making you believe you are speaking in tongues; a rather perverse manifesting phenomenon, from an otherwise once-calm and quiet reserved individual.
If you were to test a menopausal woman’s greatest desire, offer her the choice between a slice of very fudgy chocolaty cake (and don’t be stingy now), glazed with chocolate ganache, and a glass of earthy and fruity zinfandel—with heavenly... (more)
One sad rainy Wednesday during my lunch hour at the office I went to retrieve my leftover Kung Po Chicken from the refrigerator in the break room, only to find it had disappeared. I was pissed! A mystery colleague had broken my trust and stolen my Chinese food. Thoughts of swift decisive vengeance flashed through my head, but my calmer mind prevailed and I decided to let this minor trespass pass. I saw little benefit in raising hell over two dollars worth of old food. The sting of the stolen lunch and empty belly slowly faded, and I forgot about the incident. Then a few weeks... (more)