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Monday, December 18, 2017

159 results for 'humor'

Every Dog Has Her Day

By alan handwerger, published on Dec 11, 2009

I let Emma, my dog, take me for a walk this morning. Well, actually, we started this morning and got back late this afternoon.

This doesn’t happen often, as it requires both that I be in a really good mood and have plenty of time on my hands. In fact, this was the first time that I’ve let Emma walk me in a couple of years.

When I walk Emma, there are rules: I choose our route and, while I do allow her to stop and sniff whatever treasures, visible and invisible, she may find along the way, I impose time limits, anywhere from five to ten seconds per sniffing episode.

When... (more)

Tags: humor, relationships, dogs, memoir

How to Talk to Your Wife

By alan handwerger, published on Dec 8, 2009

My wife hates the telephone. She’s been known to dive under the couch when she hears the thing ring.

“Lorrie … hon, it’s your mother.”

“t’llr ll callrr back” – which is what ‘tell her I’ll call her back’ sounds like when spoken from under a couch.

I’ve never understood Lorrie’s aversion to the phone. She’ll gladly exchange hundreds of words at a time with people on-line. Says she likes the opportunity to reflect before she responds.

Me, I spend most of my days in solitary confinement, writing these stories. And after so many hours of measuring my each and every... (more)

Tags: humor, marriage, relationships, short story, telemarketers

Older vs. Younger

By TheGuysPerspective, published on Dec 7, 2009

Dear Guys, I'm a shy, 35 year old woman. I'm not much into the dating scene. Partly because I'm busy, working two jobs just to pay the rent.

But I do have two men who are very interested in me and I've been dating both of them when I have time. Since I'm religious, I'm not having physical relations with either of them. Both men have expressed interest in taking the relationship to the next level. I'm not sure what to do. One is 18 yrs. older than me, and the other is 5 years younger than me.

I do like both of them, but not sure how to proceed. I'm just not sure. What do you guys... (more)

Tags: humor, relationships, age, pros, cons

I Spent a Fortune on Toys and THAT'S What You Play With!?

By Innocent Owner, published on Dec 4, 2009

It started one day at the grocery store. Going down the pet aisle I noticed a package of little plastic balls with bells in them. I threw it in the cart on a whim. The cats will love these, I thought to myself. They lasted two days. The cats batted them around for a few minutes the first day and then got bored with them. They lied lifeless on the floor, abandoned, till the next day when I accidently stepped on everyone one them trying to cross the room in the dark.

So, I tried again. I went out and got them little stuffed fishes with catnip. Surely they would love this. And... (more)

Tags: humor, pets, cats, toys

Braised Vermont Lamb

By alan handwerger, published on Dec 3, 2009

“Hon, I’m going to the market,” my wife, Lorrie, yelled from the driveway.

Whether it was her mention of the market or the fact that we had just returned from visiting her folks in Arkansas where, for those of you who have never been, there is no food, I suddenly felt very hungry. Off to the refrigerator where, the first thing that met my eye was a package containing lamb “something” that Lorrie must have pulled from the freezer earlier that day.

The ram to whom this “something” had formerly been attached had lived his days on the Luce Hill meadows of Tamara and Peter Burke until... (more)

Tags: humor, cooking, food

The Power of Q

By alan handwerger, published on Dec 2, 2009

Why it was that I woke up this morning all bent out of shape about not having a middle name I don’t know. But I did. And believe me; I’d rather it hadn’t happened. I had things to do today.

I was born without any name at all, the result, apparently, of indecision on my parents’ part. My birth certificate attests to this fact: ‘Baby Boy’ Handwerger, it reads. Eventually my folks settled on Alan; but the process obviously exhausted them before they got around to the middle – a middle that has remained conspicuously blank on countless forms throughout these intervening sixty years.

... (more)

Tags: humor, names

Who Ate The Bread

By Innocent Owner, published on Dec 2, 2009

When it comes to food, we all have are dislikes and likes. Some of us will eat anything and others are picky. We starve ourselves all day because nothing looks good or we gourd ourselves to the point of exploding because it all looks delicious. We make more decisions about food everyday than anything else, do we eat out or do we cook at home, do we eat healthy and light or go for some indulgence. Wouldn't it be nice to just find a plate of food magically in the same spot every day, always there and ready to eat? We would be in heaven. I've explained this over and over till I'm blue in the face... (more)

Tags: humor, pets, food, cats

Palin Resigns From Book Tour

By LesleyMo, published on Nov 30, 2009

A week into her much-anticipated book tour, Sarah Palin gave a surprise resignation speech this morning at a local Christmas tree farm.As a buzz-saw decapitated a live tree behind her, Palin breathlessly explained that the tour was not quite what she expected."People who know me know that nothing is more important to me than faith, family and daily headlines on Fox News," she said. "But let's be real here, people. A BUS?? You expect me to travel on a BUS day after day?"Oh sure, it's a pretty nice bus - and it does have the biggest picture of me, like, ever, other than the one in my living room... (more)

Tags: humor, political satire, stories i made up

Are You Insane?!

By Innocent Owner, published on Nov 27, 2009

Throughout our lives, we pass by many people. We pass each other at work, in the grocery store, in our own neighborhood. Some we stop and talk to and others we pass up. Some we downright run away from. In a split second we make a decision based on their looks, the way they walk, their mannerism. We know nothing about them yet we make our choice. We don’t do this with anything else; we don’t choose our cars, our homes or even the clothes that we are wearing that fast. First impressions can make or break a great thing in our lives.

Way too soon after a special pet passed away, I was handed... (more)

Tags: humor, pets, cats

Al's French Diner

By alan handwerger, published on Nov 27, 2009

Al’s French Diner

Other children grow up wanting to be astronauts, or major league ballplayers, or presidents of great and powerful nations. Me, I always wanted to be a short order cook, and -- lest I leave you with the impression that I lack ambition – to own my own diner.

Here’s a snapshot of Al’s Diner, circa 1958. Enter: you -- making your way to the one remaining vacant stool at the counter. You sit; spin a little; read the menu board; you study the grill, it’s surface nearly completely covered with breakfasts in the making: pancakes, French... (more)

Tags: humor, food, restaurants

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