74 results for 'funny'
One was read a few of my poems in a public setting, something I have had little practice in. The other thing I got to do, which I have had loads of practice, is irritate my wife Ann. I can't remember if I told her we were going out for dinner or if it was a wine tasting but wasn't she surprised. Our youngest children wanted me to read the poems to them before we left for the night. I obliged. I should know better. I wonder where they get it from?
Dad: "I was six years old. Very... James you asked me to do this. Why are you playing Tomb Runner while I'm reading this?"
Just those breeds with a track record of biting. So, not really all dogs with a record of biting. More like one breed of dog with a track record of biting.
In reality they just want to muzzle Pit Bulls. Maybe it's the way they look. Could be it's the way they act. Might it just be our own fears projected onto one group?
The MSPCA states that "One in every four dogs brought to the MSPCA is a Pit Bull or Pit Bull mix." I've got to tell you, if I was abandoned I might bite you too. They also recommend that you Spay/Neuter your Pit Bull. If you tried that with me, I know I'd... (more)
Since my wife Ann is still among the living her only chance of sainthood is martyrdom, which she feels she is on track for. Lately she's been looking for signs from God to help her through the pain and suffering of raising Sdyor children...
Disembodied Voice Coming From 3rd Floor Window: "Ann."
Ann: "Did somebody say something?"
Ann: "God is that you?"
Ann: "God, what's my purpose on this earth?"
DVCF3FW: "To shut this window so we can move the ladders."
Ann: "Damn roofers!"
Later that day...... (more)
I thought as he got older his views would come in line with what I perceive to be the adult generation. Now I think I may be outnumbered and have to come around to their way of thinking...
Brady: "AFAIC ur generation uses 2 many xclamation points" Dad: "Just in general or someplace specific?" Brady: "evrywhere text email FB twitter do I need 3 xclamation points to tell me ur kids team 1 a game" Dad: "Exclamation points mean added emphasis when non-verbal communication is taking place. Your generation should embrace the exclamation point. All you have is non-verbal communication."... (more)
The Sdyor children attend a charter school. This means school uniforms, high academic standards, and strict school behavior including a color card change disciplinary system. Some students and parents start to burn under this lens but my wife Ann and I have decided this is the best place for our children's primary education. Our oldest son Brady (Age 19) went along with the program and got good grades, played sports and served in student government. Olympia (Age 13) is struggling to keep up with her school workload and continue the active social life that comes with being America's sweetheart.... (more)
You scrimped and saved and looked at sale inserts out of the paper. Stood in long lines the day after Thanksgiving. Punched some guy in the nose who was trying to grab the last must have item for toddlers on the shelf. Wrapped it up nice with bows and ribbons. You waited with pained anticipation for weeks until finally Christmas morning came. Your little one ripped through the paper like they were a badger chasing a rabbit down a hole until finally they spent the morning playing with the box the item came in. Some things never change...
James (Age 9): "Mom. I have no clothes to put on.... (more)
Well another week at work has gone by and I’m glad it’s over. What a train wreak, I had 27 E-grams in my mailbox all asking the same thing, ‘When are you going to be done with my project?’ Buttheads. I sent each one back this message: ‘Well, if you’d stop asking me that question, I would have been done two days ago’. Camelheaded morons. Their being ungrateful morons got me to thinking, which is always a dangerous thing for anyone to do.
I got to thinking about the morons of this world and I was also thinking about how the government could lower my taxes and pay off the National Debt.... (more)
The SLIders I speak of are those who suffer from the psychic event known as street lamp interference, or SLI. Although now that I think about it, jumping through a hole in the multiverse where I could get a hamburger would be pretty good right now too. People who claim to be a SLIder find that they have strange effects on electrical systems. Street lights switch on or off when they walk beneath them, appliances turn on and off without being touched, light bulbs blow out when turned on, volume levels change on TVs, radios, and CD players. I know what your thinking. Kire, where can I get a... (more)
Since we diverged from our cousin the chimp roughly 7 million years ago we have managed to harness our surroundings with such epic progress, we discovered fire, created steam power, electricity, launched dogs into space, landed on the moon and even created a machine that smashes protons into each other.
Who would have though that we mushy, stringy, jelly brained blood bags could have achieved such wonders, well we did, but all this stuff is cancelled out by our own ability to enigmatically cock things up for ourselves, some of the things we do really makes me wonder how we ever got so... (more)
I make these bran muffins. They are, well... therapeutic... as well as quite delicious. I have tried various recipes over the years, beginning with a recipe that used regular bran flakes cereal as the main ingredient. They were nice muffins. But my current version, uses the kind of bran cereal that contains FOURTEEN grams of fiber per half cup serving. They are little sticks of dynamite in a box. I call the new resulting muffins my WMD's.
One day, back when I first started making these muffins, our air conditioning guy (who is also a friend of ours) happened to be here at the house doing... (more)