Thursday, December 13, 2018

74 results for 'funny'

Vampirism: Real People, Real Vampires?

By Ely North, published on Jan 28, 2013

Dear Ely,

My teenage son is such an idiot. A few months ago he started dating this dark-spirited death girl, and she has him convinced that he’s a vampire. Now he’s dyed his hair black, and he dresses in black shirts, nut-hugging tight black pants, and black boots. He hides in his dark room all day, to the point that he’s becoming pale and sickly. He built himself a coffin to sleep in. He wears fake fangs, and he wants me to pay for oral surgery so he can have “real fangs” implanted. Creepiest of all, he wears a small glass vial of his girlfriend’s blood around his neck. In... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, vampire, vampirism

How to Overcome a Fear of Death

By Ely North, published on Jan 23, 2013

Dear Ely,

I’m a robust young man in the prime of my life, but I have a debilitating fear: death. Just the idea of ceasing to exist, or the visual image of my cold dead body decaying in the earth, sends me into a panic attack. I can’t breathe, and I get tunnel vision and feel like I’m going to pass out. This happens several times a day, whenever I think about dying. I don’t sleep well anymore, and I can’t eat. I’m afraid to leave the house because I might get struck by lightning or hit by a car, or I might catch a deadly disease from someone on the street. My fear of death... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, fear of death, afraid of dying

Pizza Delivery, Drunk Driving, and Social Responsibility

By Ely North, published on Jan 20, 2013

Dear Ely,

I just lost the greatest job a man could ever have. I was a pizza deliveryman: cruising the town all night in my black Trans-Am, all the chicks checking me out, blasting Van Halen on my system, sipping beers, and bringing people pizza. And when I arrived they were always so happy to see me. I was living the dream! But then one night I got pulled over and arrested for drunk driving. Can you believe it? I mean, I’m a professional! I’ve been doing this for years! Just because I blew into the cop’s little machine a red light buzzed, I lose my license and lose my... (more)

Tags: humor, law, funny, advice, socially responsible

Movie Review: The Big Lebowski

By Ely North, published on Jan 16, 2013

Set in early 1990’s Los Angeles, The Big Lebowski is a comedy follows the misadventures of a jobless loser called The Dude, whose life revolves around smoking marijuana, drinking white Russians, listening to Creedence, and bowling. His sweet carefree life is disrupted in a case of mistaken identity, when a pornographer’s idiot thugs pee on The Dude’s rug because he happens to have the same name as a crippled millionaire whose ex-pornstar trophy wife owes the pornographer money. Seeking restitution for his soiled rug, The Dude gets drawn into a convoluted mystery involving the kidnapped... (more)

Tags: movie, humor, comedy, review, funny, the big lebowski

Office Gossip and Rumors

By Ely North, published on Jan 13, 2013

Dear Ely,

My co-workers have robbed my dignity! I work in a customer call center for an insurance company. Recently I had an obnoxious caller, so I pressed the mute button on the phone and cursed him out. (This is a common practice for customer service representatives.) But I accidentally pressed the speaker button, so the customer heard my foul-mouthed assessment of his intelligence and attitude. All my neighbors heard the customer’s irate response, and his demand to speak to my boss. A few minutes later, the boss called me into his office. I felt like I was walking to... (more)

Tags: humor, gossip, funny, advice, rumor, office gossip

Stalking the Stalker

By Ely North, published on Jan 9, 2013

Dear Ely,

A creepy ex-colleague freak is stalking me! What started as a cute crush has progressed through several shades of weird to achieve full-fledged stalker status. He actually got fired because he spent so much time groveling at my cubicle instead of working. I gently (then increasingly more firmly) rejected his affections, but nothing deterred him. That day he waited at my car after work to tell me he didn’t care about being fired – all that mattered was our love.

Now he’s everywhere I go, constantly following me. I’ve even caught him sitting in his car outside... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, stalking, stalker

Dating Advice: Lusting for a Moron

By Ely North, published on Jan 6, 2013

Dear Ely,

There’s a hot guy at my gym who I really want to date. He’s super cute, has a great body, and he’s nice and sweet. The problem is he’s really dumb. Not to be mean, but he’s like borderline retarded. I know we’ll have no future together, and I couldn’t imagine having a serious relationship with him. I just want a quick hot fling with this sexy hunk of meat. But I feel like I’d be taking advantage of him, just using him for sex. Is it wrong to date someone so stupid, for purely selfish sexual reasons?


Love Me a Dummy


Dear... (more)

Tags: humor, dating, funny, advice, relationship

Beating Old Age: How to Look Younger

By Ely North, published on Jan 2, 2013

Dear Ely,

I’m getting old, and I hate it. My skin is wrinkling, my face is sagging, my hair is turning gray, my teeth are turning yellow, and my boobs and butt and drooping towards the ground. I’m starting to look like an old lady, but I’m only 55. I feel like I should still be in the prime of my life. I’m not ready to be elderly. I refuse to fade into decrepitude. I want to be youthful and attractive forever. Help me look younger! Help me find the fountain of youth!


Old Before My Time


Dear Old Before My Time,

I vomited twice... (more)

Tags: humor, aging, funny, advice, old age, look young, fountain of youth

Worst Christmas Ever: Santa Screwed Me

By Ely North, published on Dec 26, 2012

Dear Ely,

Santa Claus has made my shitlist. He didn’t bring me the new bike I wanted for Christmas – just a bunch of socks and sweaters and other crap no proper kid would ever want to unwrap. It’s so unfair, because I was really good all year. I tried real hard to always do the right thing, and I didn’t get in trouble at all. Why is Santa blackballing me? Is there anything I can do to talk some sense into that chubby tub of lard? Is there an appeals process I can follow to get the new bike I so well deserve?


Disappointed Danny


Dear... (more)

Tags: humor, christmas, funny, advice, santa claus

Blasphemy, Loneliness, and Suicide

By Ely North, published on Dec 23, 2012

Dear Ely,

All I want for Christmas is to die. I live in a small town where everyone knows each other, except for me. I’m the outcast of the community. I have no friends, and my family has disowned me. All because a few years ago I made a mistake and attempted a tasteless practical joke. At church during the Christmas services, I climbed up on the crucifix behind the pulpit and simulated oral sex on our suffering Lord and Savior. It was the most scandalous thing this town has ever seen, and I’ve been a pariah ever since. It’s like I’m invisible – everyone in town totally ignores... (more)

Tags: suicide, funny, advice, holiday season

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