58 results for 'advice'
I’m getting old, and I hate it. My skin is wrinkling, my face is sagging, my hair is turning gray, my teeth are turning yellow, and my boobs and butt and drooping towards the ground. I’m starting to look like an old lady, but I’m only 55. I feel like I should still be in the prime of my life. I’m not ready to be elderly. I refuse to fade into decrepitude. I want to be youthful and attractive forever. Help me look younger! Help me find the fountain of youth!
Old Before My Time
Dear Old Before My Time,
I vomited twice... (more)
Santa Claus has made my shitlist. He didn’t bring me the new bike I wanted for Christmas – just a bunch of socks and sweaters and other crap no proper kid would ever want to unwrap. It’s so unfair, because I was really good all year. I tried real hard to always do the right thing, and I didn’t get in trouble at all. Why is Santa blackballing me? Is there anything I can do to talk some sense into that chubby tub of lard? Is there an appeals process I can follow to get the new bike I so well deserve?
... – everyone in town totally ignores me. The holidays are the hardest time of year. I’m so lonely that I decided to kill myself. How do you think I should do it?
Dear Suicidal Syd,
It’s a damn good thing you came to me for advice. Most people would tell you not to kill yourself, that life is a gift and that you have so much to live for – as if they know you at all or are in any position to judge if your life is worth living. These are the type of people who spout the belief that every life is precious. They make... (more)
Once a palace of heavenly rest and a fountain of renewal and refreshment, my bed has transformed into the Gate of Hell, a portal to a dimension of fear and terror. Nightmares stalk my sleeping mind every single night. Dreaming is psychological self-torture: I plummet helplessly from great heights; ferocious predators maul my feeble body; murderous maniacs pursue me through unfamiliar streets; and people I love and trust hurt me in unthinkable ways. The details may change, but the horrifying nature of my dreams does not. I don’t know how long I can continue living... (more)
I hate Christmas, with a passion. When I was a bratty greedy child it was my favorite time of year. “Santa” always brought me what I wanted, even when I deserved to be on the naughty list. But as I’ve grown I’ve become aware of some saddening facts about this “magical” season, which have totally turned me against Christmas:It’s unfounded. It’s supposed to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, but according to Biblical scholars, little baby Jesus popped out of the Virgin Mary’s holy hole in the springtime, not in December. Paganism. Early Christians aligned Christmas... (more)
... choices. How can I help my son?
Mom of the Blob
Dear Mom of the Blob,
Childhood obesity is a flabby blight on our society, because parents like you refuse to do what’s necessary to keep your children healthy. Fortunately, I do have some advice that may help you and your son. It’s based on my own experience as a grotesquely overweight child.
I was a fat kid. Really fat. Much like your son, I ate a ton of junk food and I got no exercise. I just sat around all day watching television and playing video games, stuffing... (more)
I hate my stupid brain. It always screws me over at the most critical times. Traitor! I’m an adult going back to school at a community college, and I’m failing. It’s not that I’m dumb – I’m actually pretty smart. I pay attention in class and understand the material, I work hard, and I study a lot. But when I show up for a test, no matter how prepared I am, my brain lays a turd. It starts with negative thoughts – for some reason I tell myself I’m going to fail. From there things spiral out of control: my mind goes blank; I forget everything I learned; and I totally... (more)
I’m a nudist living in a community that’s quickly going downhill. The people of Wandering Eye Nudist Colony are split, and it stinks – much like the stinky split that divides a naked rear end. There are several hotly debated issues that are polarizing our population and creating a gaping tear in our social fabric. Life here is becoming unbearable. People constantly argue. The atmosphere is one of discontent, ill will, and anger. I feel very strongly about the obvious choices we should make, and I don’t understand how people could take the other side. If they... (more)
As a teacher of college English at Idaho State University, my students moan and groan when I mention the topics of grammar and usage. The reflexes of fear, dread, and disgust are guttural and instinctual. The students instantly hate me.
I feel the intense collective downer that I release upon the classroom environment, and I always regret having mentioned the words at all in the classroom. The collective classroom mind slams shut.But, I understand the repulsion they feel. Grammar and usage are matters that we are always told we screw up. Teachers often broach the topic as they would... (more)
School Time VerbsThese words made my eyes roll into the back of my skull in public education: noun, verb, adjective, adverb, pronoun, etc. In fact, they still numb my mind, and as an English professor I avoid them as much as possible. They turn language into a perverse form of mathematics. Grammar turns students off.In school we get so caught up in identifying subjects and verbs that we forget the language, the beauty and power of unique sentences. Worksheet after worksheet in school made mundane work of language.
Verbs Defined, BoringTechnically, the definition of verbs makes them... (more)