Tuesday, September 25, 2018

58 results for 'advice'

Valentine's Day Gift Ideas

By Ely North, published on Feb 12, 2013

Dear Ely,

My crazy-ass girlfriend has turned Valentine’s Day from a relaxed celebration of our love to a pressure-packed referendum on our relationship. She says she got me “the perfect gift,” and she expects my gift for her to express my feelings for her as well as my hopes for the future of our relationship. What the hell does that even mean? What am I supposed to get her? A dozen roses and a box of chocolates? That seems too ordinary. Expensive jewelry or a fur coat? That seems too extravagant. Tickets to an opera? I can’t believe I would even suggest such a thing.... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, relationship, valentines day

Online Dating: Prophetic or Pathetic?

By Ely North, published on Feb 11, 2013

Dear Ely,

I’m single and frickin’ sick of it. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’m thinking of joining an online dating site, but I’m not sure if I should. It’s embarrassing to admit that I can’t meet anyone on my own, and if I met a boyfriend online I’m afraid that people would think I’m a pathetic loser. I’m also afraid that a guy I meet online might turn out to be a freak or a creep or a pervert – the internet is teeming with predators, and with my luck I’d land one. But the biggest reason I’m hesitant to dive into online dating is that I’m a big believer in fate. I... (more)

Tags: humor, dating, online dating, funny, advice, relationship

Is Gambling an Addiction?

By Ely North, published on Feb 5, 2013

Dear Ely,

My boyfriend is a degenerate gambling addict. I wouldn’t mind so much if he won a ton of money, but he sucks at gambling. Last month he lost our rent money, and I had to beg our landlord to give us more time to pay. Odds are it’ll happen again someday soon, and then we’ll be out on the street. My boyfriend realizes how serious the situation is, and he says he wants to stop, but he just can’t do it. What can I do to break his addiction and get him to quit gambling?


Loser Lover


Dear Loser Lover,

Your boyfriend... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, gambling, addiction, addict, gambler

Dealing with Criticism

By Ely North, published on Feb 4, 2013

Dear Ely,

My conflict resolution skills are seriously lacking. When people disagree with me or criticize me, it really pisses me off. I work as a Business Analyst – my job is basically to analyze our company’s data and make recommendations to improve our profits. I’m excellent at what I do. My insightful recommendations are always accurate. When I present my ideas at meetings, I only want my co-workers to like me, respect my intelligence, and acknowledge that I’m right. This doesn’t always happen, though. Often some dim-witted colleagues will inexplicably criticize my... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, criticism, disagreement, critics

Vampirism: Real People, Real Vampires?

By Ely North, published on Jan 28, 2013

Dear Ely,

My teenage son is such an idiot. A few months ago he started dating this dark-spirited death girl, and she has him convinced that he’s a vampire. Now he’s dyed his hair black, and he dresses in black shirts, nut-hugging tight black pants, and black boots. He hides in his dark room all day, to the point that he’s becoming pale and sickly. He built himself a coffin to sleep in. He wears fake fangs, and he wants me to pay for oral surgery so he can have “real fangs” implanted. Creepiest of all, he wears a small glass vial of his girlfriend’s blood around his neck. In... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, vampire, vampirism

How to Overcome a Fear of Death

By Ely North, published on Jan 23, 2013

Dear Ely,

I’m a robust young man in the prime of my life, but I have a debilitating fear: death. Just the idea of ceasing to exist, or the visual image of my cold dead body decaying in the earth, sends me into a panic attack. I can’t breathe, and I get tunnel vision and feel like I’m going to pass out. This happens several times a day, whenever I think about dying. I don’t sleep well anymore, and I can’t eat. I’m afraid to leave the house because I might get struck by lightning or hit by a car, or I might catch a deadly disease from someone on the street. My fear of death... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, fear of death, afraid of dying

Pizza Delivery, Drunk Driving, and Social Responsibility

By Ely North, published on Jan 20, 2013

Dear Ely,

I just lost the greatest job a man could ever have. I was a pizza deliveryman: cruising the town all night in my black Trans-Am, all the chicks checking me out, blasting Van Halen on my system, sipping beers, and bringing people pizza. And when I arrived they were always so happy to see me. I was living the dream! But then one night I got pulled over and arrested for drunk driving. Can you believe it? I mean, I’m a professional! I’ve been doing this for years! Just because I blew into the cop’s little machine a red light buzzed, I lose my license and lose my... (more)

Tags: humor, law, funny, advice, socially responsible

Office Gossip and Rumors

By Ely North, published on Jan 13, 2013

Dear Ely,

My co-workers have robbed my dignity! I work in a customer call center for an insurance company. Recently I had an obnoxious caller, so I pressed the mute button on the phone and cursed him out. (This is a common practice for customer service representatives.) But I accidentally pressed the speaker button, so the customer heard my foul-mouthed assessment of his intelligence and attitude. All my neighbors heard the customer’s irate response, and his demand to speak to my boss. A few minutes later, the boss called me into his office. I felt like I was walking to... (more)

Tags: humor, gossip, funny, advice, rumor, office gossip

Stalking the Stalker

By Ely North, published on Jan 9, 2013

... real thing. Tomorrow night I’ll take your head.”

This certainly struck fear into her heart. I never saw her again. I heard she transferred to a far away school, but I don’t care what became of her. I escaped my stalker, and nobody got hurt. (At least not physically.)

My advice is to do the same with your stalker. Reverse the situation. Let him experience the discomfort of being followed. Show him you’re crazy. Then make him fear you. If you’re successful, your stalker will disappear. And you might even have fun!

Peace, Love, and Happy... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, stalking, stalker

Dating Advice: Lusting for a Moron

By Ely North, published on Jan 6, 2013

Dear Ely,

There’s a hot guy at my gym who I really want to date. He’s super cute, has a great body, and he’s nice and sweet. The problem is he’s really dumb. Not to be mean, but he’s like borderline retarded. I know we’ll have no future together, and I couldn’t imagine having a serious relationship with him. I just want a quick hot fling with this sexy hunk of meat. But I feel like I’d be taking advantage of him, just using him for sex. Is it wrong to date someone so stupid, for purely selfish sexual reasons?


Love Me a Dummy


Dear... (more)

Tags: humor, dating, funny, advice, relationship

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