Saturday, August 18, 2018

58 results for 'advice'

Anti-Bullying Help

By Ely North, published on Apr 3, 2013

Dear Ely,

I’m a forty-year-old computer engineer (in other words, a nerd), and I’m being bullied. A guy I work with always makes fun of me in front of our colleagues. I would be able to bear the hurtful insults, but he takes the abuse much farther. Sometimes when I’m in the men’s room he and his cronies corner me and beat me up. They punch me in the stomach and chest (so as not to leave any visible bruises) and take my lunch money. Then they dunk my head in the toilet until I agree to do all their work. This kind of thing has been happening my whole life, and I don’t know... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, bullying, bully

Affirmative Action Plan

By Ely North, published on Mar 27, 2013

Dear Ely,

I’m the senior partner of a law firm, and I’m in trouble. Our office is a very diverse workplace: we employ people of African, Latin American, Asian, Middle Eastern, and even Native American descent. There’s one racial/ethnic group that isn’t represented on our payroll, though, and this is where the trouble lies. Our local White Rights Alliance – a group that promotes the interests of white people in our community – is threatening to sue us because we don’t employ any Caucasians. They allege that we’re not an equal opportunity employer, we’re neglecting our affirmative... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, equal opportunity, affirmative action

Jobs for Felons

By Ely North, published on Mar 19, 2013

Dear Ely,

I was just released from prison, and I don’t want to go back. Ever. I’ve been looking for a job, but I can’t find one. I can’t even get an interview. Employers just won’t give me a chance – every application asks if I’ve ever been convicted of a crime. Once the employer sees that I answered “Yes,” my application goes in the trash. What am I supposed to do? I’m ready to go straight and live a respectable life, but if society doesn’t give me an opportunity to make an honest living, I’m going to have to turn back to a life of crime.


Ex-Con... (more)

Tags: humor, prison, felon, funny, advice, job, inmate, ex-offender, ex-con

Words of Wisdom: The Golden Rule

By Ely North, published on Mar 18, 2013

...a respectful and compassionate attitude also made me feel better about myself. I stopped feeling competitive with other people, and the pettiness that lurks behind so much of our rudeness seemed to disappear. I felt like a good person, spreading decency in the world, which made my mind easy, peaceful, and happy.

To my surprise, I found the Golden Rule to be a truly wise piece of advice. Treating others well makes everyone involved into better people and makes the world a more pleasant place to live. Feel-good flower-power hippie stuff indeed, but not useless garbage!


Tags: advice, words of wisdom, the golden rule

Rampant Atheism and a Lack of Spirituality

By Ely North, published on Mar 11, 2013

Dear Ely,

God is good. God is great! So why is there such a distinct lack of faith in our society? I don’t understand it. God created our world and gave us the gift of life, yet so many people today claim that He doesn’t exist. Where else could we have come from? Life didn’t just materialize out of thin air! How can mere mortals have the gall to proclaim themselves atheists, and the balls to be proud about it? It doesn’t make sense. I’m not saying that my religion is the right one or that people should believe exactly what I believe, but – Jesus Christ – they should... (more)

Tags: religion, science, advice, spirituality

Dating a Cheater

By Ely North, published on Mar 5, 2013

Dear Ely,

My boyfriend is cheating on me! Probably. Maybe. The other night he called to say he was working overtime and he would be home late. He never works late! Then when he got home he brought me flowers to apologize for being late. He never brings me flowers! Right after we put the flowers in a vase he jumped in the shower. He never showers right after work! Later that night I offered him my body and he said he wasn’t in the mood. He never turns down sex! I can’t help but think he cheated on me. What do you think? And if he did cheat, what should I do?


... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, relationship, revenge, cheater

Neighborhood Crime and Personal Protection

By Ely North, published on Mar 3, 2013

Dear Ely,

I exist in a den of iniquity, amidst the most perilous scoundrels this city has seen. I’m a single woman who, through unfortunate life circumstances, has been forced to move to the slums. Just outside my door I find gang members, drug dealers, hookers, and pimps. The only “legitimate” businesses in the area are seedy bars – the haunts of murderers and rapists. Needless to say, I do not feel safe. I’m afraid to leave my apartment, and when I’m here I fear that some thug will break in and murder me. How can I feel safe in my own home?


Lady... (more)

Tags: humor, crime, fear, funny, advice, protection

Sexual Harassment in the Workplace

By Ely North, published on Feb 26, 2013

... decent thing and make it clear that you’ll never date him. Sure, he may cut you off from the supply closet – but you could just buy your own white-out. It’s not that expensive.

As you don’t strike me as the type who would be interested in doing the decent thing, here’s some advice someone like you might actually use: file a frivolous lawsuit. Accuse your tormentor of sexually harassing you, and sue your company for fostering a hostile work environment. They’ll almost certainly fire the poor bastard, and you’ll never have to see him again. Until he starts... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, sexual harassment

Drug Abuse Counseling: How to Get High

By Ely North, published on Feb 24, 2013

Dear Ely,

I want to get high, but I can’t find any drugs. I’m an accountant, and during tax season work is so stressful that I need to get high to relieve the tension. I don’t have any friends who are into drugs, and if I approach my co-workers looking for a source I could get myself fired. Last week I went over to the shady side of town to try to buy some crack or whatever from a street dealer, but I didn’t know what I was doing and I got arrested. The cops let me off with just a warning and laughingly told me that people like me shouldn’t be buying drugs on the street.... (more)

Tags: humor, drugs, funny, advice, drug abuse

How to Invest Your Money

By Ely North, published on Feb 17, 2013

Dear Ely,

I work hard for my money, and I think it’s about damn time my money starts working for me. Right now it just sits in a bank account, earning hardly any interest. Lazy-ass money. I want to start investing it. The problem is, I know jack-shit about investing. Stocks, bonds, portfolios – I don’t even know what the hell those words mean. Make it easy for me. Tell me where to put my money so that it’ll make me even more money.


Lester the Investor


Dear Lester the Investor,

I also know nothing about investing,... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, money, investing

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