Thursday, September 20, 2018

30 results for 'Gurmeet Mattu'

The Human Male's Guide to Alien Women

By Gurmeet Mattu, published on Jan 15, 2010

Admittedly, as of this date, we have only reached the moon, but the time will inevitably come when man will venture further into space and encounter alien species. If these alien species are similar to ourselves in being divided into male and female there will no doubt arise the situation where a human male feels attracted to an alien female. But with no experience of alien women our space-faring Lothario will be at a severe disadvantage in attempting seduction unless, that is, he reads this instructional article and follows the advice herein.The first thing you must ensure is to make your... (more)

Tags: alien women

The Perils of Older Women

By Gurmeet Mattu, published on Jan 14, 2010

You know how it is. If it’s not your best friend’s mom it’s your mom’s best fried. Older women, they’re only after one thing. And it’s your duty, as a nice young man, to make sure that they don’t get it. It is their husband’s duty to perform the function that they require of you and you should feel under no obligation to satisfy their sordid needs.

They will try many ploys to get you into their clutches, but the smart guy will be wise to their evil ways and avoid these traps. Some of their strategies include asking you to mow their lawn. This is particularly dangerous in warm weather... (more)

Tags: comedy, humour, older women, younger men

On Comedy Writing

By Gurmeet Mattu, published on Jan 13, 2010

Dying is easy, comedy is hard.Old adage and old thinking, invented by writers and performers who wanted greater kudos for a craft that was deemed to be less worthy because it dealt with the amusing. Comedians, writers and performers, want to not only make people laugh but to be taken seriously as well. They thought they were being linked back in time to village idiots and court jesters, buffoons and the lame-brained. It didn't matter how much they got paid, they still had to wear that damn hat with the bell on the end.So they absolutely had to insist that comedy was such a difficult craft to... (more)

Tags: comedy, humour, creative writing, process, method

Willie's Wisdom 9

By Gurmeet Mattu, published on Jan 13, 2010

SEX FREQUENCYDear Willie,How often should a married couple (17 years) make love? Berenice and I normally manage once a week, but she insist her friends are doing it much more often, but I find this hard to believe. Jocelyn is buck-toothed and Eva lacks girly bumps, so I don’t see their husbands being too keen on their conjugals. Anyway, Berenice thinks we should be at it like knives but I am afraid I might hurt my knees. What do you suggest would be a suitable frequency?Roland, Alice SpringsDear Roland,The frequency of conjugals is always a hard call as women have many calls on their time,... (more)

Tags: comedy, humour, spoof advice column

Willie's Wisdom 8

By Gurmeet Mattu, published on Jan 11, 2010

Hello, yet again, my problem pals, Willie here with his mountains of wisdom to lighten your load. I can proudly declare that there is no problem I cannot resolve. Take my challenge, send your problems to and I will resolve them in the twinkling of an eye with my exclusive access to centuries of Scottish lore.PANTIESDear Willie,I recently met a chap and subsequently, as it was my birthday, he bought me a gift. I was shocked to find that the present was a pair of edible panties. What does this mean?Shania, AzDear Shania,It seems perfectly straightforward to me.... (more)

Tags: comedy, humour, spoof advice column

Towards An Ebook Future

By Gurmeet Mattu, published on Jan 11, 2010

So what does the writer set out to achieve?

Well, the novelist wants to be read, the poet and radio writer wants to be heard and the screenwriter wants his stuff to be seen. Otherwise it's a waste of time. I don't believe in writing for yourself. Oh, and for those that didn't know, poetry is written to be heard not read. But the best prose should read like poetry.So, whither writing and whither the writer?The writer will always exist because humanity will always require information and entertainment. It is the delivery methods that are changing. Digital and broadcast will continue to... (more)

Tags: self-publishing, writing, ebooks, publishing

Confessions of a Professional Liar

By Gurmeet Mattu, published on Jan 9, 2010

It is a given that fiction is not fact. It is, in fact, not true. It is a lie, and I, as a fiction writer am a liar. People pay me for what I write and I am, therefore, a professional liar.

There, I've admitted it.Once the fiction writer does that he can start to enjoy it. He can stand at a bar and when asked by someone, "So, what do you do for a living?" he can reply with pride, "I tell lies."

There should be no shame in this, it is an honorable profession. Many fine men have been liars. Take Shakespeare, lauded today, but a terrible liar. That A Midsummer's Night he wrote, lies.... (more)

Tags: fiction, writing, lying

Willie's Wisdom 7

By Gurmeet Mattu, published on Jan 8, 2010

Welcome again, my dear troubled friends. Once again I, Willie, the Scottish Sage, am here to help you out with my incredible wisdom. There is no facet of the human condition that I cannot give you sound advice on and that’s a promise. Send your problems to me at And great news for all you troubled folk, Willie’s Wisdom will now be appearing on an internet near you TWICE a week. So, abandon hope, despair! Incidentally, my interview last week has fair got you interested in me. So, as a wee treat, I’m letting you have a look at where I live. But on with the show.SAGE... (more)

Tags: comedy, humour, spoof, advice column

Self Publishing Without Shame

By Gurmeet Mattu, published on Jan 8, 2010

Why does self-publishing carry such a stigma?

Because the writer feels that it proves that his work is not worthy of being picked up by a publisher and he is forced into publishing himself. He feels he is accused of vanity publishing, but just submitting your book to a mainstream publisher shows some signs of an ego which is actually necessary for a writer.

This scenario is flawed and is about to be blown out of the water.Let's accept that publishers are commercial businesses run to make the owners money. They are not in the business of promoting good writing. You, as the writer,... (more)

Tags: self-publishing, writing, publishing, vanity publishing, audience, readers

Dialogue Doubts

By Gurmeet Mattu, published on Jan 4, 2010

Writing natural dialogue isn't magic. Like every other kind of writing it requires work, but because most people know how to speak they imagine they can write speech and refuse to do the work. Don't fall into that trap and listen to what I've got to say.

"So, what's this problem with dialogue, then?""I don't know, but I just can't seem to get it right.""What's wrong with it?""It doesn't read natural. Sort of stilted.""Did you read it aloud to yourself?""Yeah, that's when I knew it wasn't right. It sounds like I'm reading from a textbook.""Well, some people sound like that.""Not the characters... (more)

Tags: writing, dialogue, convincing, real

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