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Thursday, December 14, 2017

54 results for 'Ely North'

Combatting Childhood Obesity

By Ely North, published on Dec 5, 2012

Dear Ely,

I got beef with childhood obesity – it’s ruining my life. My son is a bona fide fat-ass. He’s only ten years old and he already weighs almost 200 pounds. His boobs are bigger than mine! It’s gross. He’s revolting to behold, and I’m concerned for his health. He never gets any exercise, and he only eats fast food and junk food. I’ve tried to guide him into healthier habits, but when he doesn’t get what he wants he throws a fit and sits on me. Once he actually broke my rib. I’m scared of the fat little monster, so I constantly give in and continue to enable his... (more)

Tags: humor, parenting, advice, obesity, lose weight, childhood obesity, fat

Analyzing the Moral Police

By Ely North, published on Dec 2, 2012

Dear Ely,

Two gay homosexuals recently moved in next door to me. They’re really nice guys – they baked cookies for all the neighbors, they helped me rake my leaves, and they never throw any of those outrageously flamboyant parties that their kind are known for. However, I don’t approve of their lifestyle. I find their homosexuality to be fundamentally immoral. It totally goes against nature, and it’s an abomination in the eyes of God. I don’t care how nice they are or how well they play the part of the perfect neighbors – what they do in that house is wrong, and I can’t... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, morality, moral police

How to Overcome Test Anxiety

By Ely North, published on Nov 28, 2012

Dear Ely,

I hate my stupid brain. It always screws me over at the most critical times. Traitor! I’m an adult going back to school at a community college, and I’m failing. It’s not that I’m dumb – I’m actually pretty smart. I pay attention in class and understand the material, I work hard, and I study a lot. But when I show up for a test, no matter how prepared I am, my brain lays a turd. It starts with negative thoughts – for some reason I tell myself I’m going to fail. From there things spiral out of control: my mind goes blank; I forget everything I learned; and I totally... (more)

Tags: humor, death, funny, advice, test anxiety

Winning Politics the American Way

By Ely North, published on Nov 25, 2012

Dear Ely,

I’m a nudist living in a community that’s quickly going downhill. The people of Wandering Eye Nudist Colony are split, and it stinks – much like the stinky split that divides a naked rear end. There are several hotly debated issues that are polarizing our population and creating a gaping tear in our social fabric. Life here is becoming unbearable. People constantly argue. The atmosphere is one of discontent, ill will, and anger. I feel very strongly about the obvious choices we should make, and I don’t understand how people could take the other side. If they... (more)

Tags: humor, politics, advice

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