Friday, September 21, 2018

54 results for 'Ely North'

Stalking the Stalker

By Ely North, published on Jan 9, 2013

Dear Ely,

A creepy ex-colleague freak is stalking me! What started as a cute crush has progressed through several shades of weird to achieve full-fledged stalker status. He actually got fired because he spent so much time groveling at my cubicle instead of working. I gently (then increasingly more firmly) rejected his affections, but nothing deterred him. That day he waited at my car after work to tell me he didn’t care about being fired – all that mattered was our love.

Now he’s everywhere I go, constantly following me. I’ve even caught him sitting in his car outside... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, stalking, stalker

Dating Advice: Lusting for a Moron

By Ely North, published on Jan 6, 2013

Dear Ely,

There’s a hot guy at my gym who I really want to date. He’s super cute, has a great body, and he’s nice and sweet. The problem is he’s really dumb. Not to be mean, but he’s like borderline retarded. I know we’ll have no future together, and I couldn’t imagine having a serious relationship with him. I just want a quick hot fling with this sexy hunk of meat. But I feel like I’d be taking advantage of him, just using him for sex. Is it wrong to date someone so stupid, for purely selfish sexual reasons?


Love Me a Dummy


Dear... (more)

Tags: humor, dating, funny, advice, relationship

Beating Old Age: How to Look Younger

By Ely North, published on Jan 2, 2013

Dear Ely,

I’m getting old, and I hate it. My skin is wrinkling, my face is sagging, my hair is turning gray, my teeth are turning yellow, and my boobs and butt and drooping towards the ground. I’m starting to look like an old lady, but I’m only 55. I feel like I should still be in the prime of my life. I’m not ready to be elderly. I refuse to fade into decrepitude. I want to be youthful and attractive forever. Help me look younger! Help me find the fountain of youth!


Old Before My Time


Dear Old Before My Time,

I vomited twice... (more)

Tags: humor, aging, funny, advice, old age, look young, fountain of youth

Book Review: The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

By Ely North, published on Dec 31, 2012

My life had always been spiritually empty. I was a godless infidel with no sense of anything greater than myself – and I liked it that way. A hedonistic heathen, I tried to fill my spiritual void with superfluous thrills: late nights in sketchy locales, bottomless bottles of booze, fast women with tight clothes and loose morals, knife fights with manic homeless dudes, and Russian roulette contests in the trunks of stolen cars hurtling down the highway piloted by half-blind elderly immigrants. My life was totally out of control, but I truly believed that I was happy. I realize now that I... (more)

Tags: review, book review, spirituality, the prophet

Worst Christmas Ever: Santa Screwed Me

By Ely North, published on Dec 26, 2012

Dear Ely,

Santa Claus has made my shitlist. He didn’t bring me the new bike I wanted for Christmas – just a bunch of socks and sweaters and other crap no proper kid would ever want to unwrap. It’s so unfair, because I was really good all year. I tried real hard to always do the right thing, and I didn’t get in trouble at all. Why is Santa blackballing me? Is there anything I can do to talk some sense into that chubby tub of lard? Is there an appeals process I can follow to get the new bike I so well deserve?


Disappointed Danny


Dear... (more)

Tags: humor, christmas, funny, advice, santa claus

Blasphemy, Loneliness, and Suicide

By Ely North, published on Dec 23, 2012

Dear Ely,

All I want for Christmas is to die. I live in a small town where everyone knows each other, except for me. I’m the outcast of the community. I have no friends, and my family has disowned me. All because a few years ago I made a mistake and attempted a tasteless practical joke. At church during the Christmas services, I climbed up on the crucifix behind the pulpit and simulated oral sex on our suffering Lord and Savior. It was the most scandalous thing this town has ever seen, and I’ve been a pariah ever since. It’s like I’m invisible – everyone in town totally ignores... (more)

Tags: suicide, funny, advice, holiday season

How to End Your Nightmares

By Ely North, published on Dec 19, 2012

Dear Ely,

Once a palace of heavenly rest and a fountain of renewal and refreshment, my bed has transformed into the Gate of Hell, a portal to a dimension of fear and terror. Nightmares stalk my sleeping mind every single night. Dreaming is psychological self-torture: I plummet helplessly from great heights; ferocious predators maul my feeble body; murderous maniacs pursue me through unfamiliar streets; and people I love and trust hurt me in unthinkable ways. The details may change, but the horrifying nature of my dreams does not. I don’t know how long I can continue living... (more)

Tags: humor, mental health, advice, nightmare

End of the World Will Ruin my Birthday

By Ely North, published on Dec 16, 2012

Dear Ely,

I’ve heard that the world is supposed to end on December 21, 2012. This is the most horrible news I’ve ever heard! My 21st birthday will be on December 22nd. If the world ends, I’ll totally miss out on the biggest birthday party of my life! Think about the scope of this tragedy. I could die without ever knowing the joys of getting shitfaced in a bar, doing shots from a hot bartender’s navel, dancing with drunken fat chicks, and vomiting in a filthy toilet stall. It’s not fair! If the world ends on the 21st, I’d have to consider myself the unluckiest person in the... (more)

Tags: humor, birthday, end of the world, apocalypse, legal drinking age, 21

Hate Christmas? You Miss the Point

By Ely North, published on Dec 12, 2012

Dear Ely,

I hate Christmas, with a passion. When I was a bratty greedy child it was my favorite time of year. “Santa” always brought me what I wanted, even when I deserved to be on the naughty list. But as I’ve grown I’ve become aware of some saddening facts about this “magical” season, which have totally turned me against Christmas:

It’s unfounded. It’s supposed to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, but according to Biblical scholars, little baby Jesus popped out of the Virgin Mary’s holy hole in the springtime, not in December. Paganism. Early Christians aligned Christmas... (more)

Tags: humor, christmas, family, holiday, advice, hate christmas

Sexting, Cheating, and Relationship Contracts

By Ely North, published on Dec 9, 2012

Dear Ely,

Am I a naughty girl? I’m with a new boyfriend, but I still have contact with my ex-boyfriend. Not physical contact, but technological. A few weeks ago, out of the blue, my ex texted me a naked picture of himself. I figured he sent it to me by mistake, so I ignored it. Then the next day he did it again, then again the day after that. I didn’t ask him to stop. My ex is well endowed (that means he has a big penis!) so I enjoyed receiving the pics. In fact, I was so turned on that I started sending him naked pictures of myself in return. Now we’re sexting and trading... (more)

Tags: dating, cheating, relationship, sexting, social contract, contract

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