Thursday, August 16, 2018

54 results for 'Ely North'

Jobs for Felons

By Ely North, published on Mar 19, 2013

Dear Ely,

I was just released from prison, and I don’t want to go back. Ever. I’ve been looking for a job, but I can’t find one. I can’t even get an interview. Employers just won’t give me a chance – every application asks if I’ve ever been convicted of a crime. Once the employer sees that I answered “Yes,” my application goes in the trash. What am I supposed to do? I’m ready to go straight and live a respectable life, but if society doesn’t give me an opportunity to make an honest living, I’m going to have to turn back to a life of crime.


Ex-Con... (more)

Tags: humor, prison, felon, funny, advice, job, inmate, ex-offender, ex-con

Words of Wisdom: The Golden Rule

By Ely North, published on Mar 18, 2013

“One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself.” ~The Golden Rule.

Treat other people how you would want to be treated. Sounds like some feel-good flower-power useless hippie garbage. I mean, I would want to be treated with respect and compassion. But let’s be real – people rarely treat each other that way. So why should I go out of my way to be nice to people who don’t deserve it and wouldn’t appreciate it?

Pointless as it seemed, I made a concentrated effort to treat everyone with respect and compassion. It took little effort with family... (more)

Tags: advice, words of wisdom, the golden rule

Book Review: Leaves of Grass

By Ely North, published on Mar 12, 2013

Poetry sucks. With its flowery language and vague phrasings, you have to study and interpret it just to extract any kind of meaning from it. Then, invariably, some “literary expert” – like my high school English teacher – will tell you that your analysis is wrong, and condescendingly enlighten you as to the “true” meaning of the poem. Who needs that kind of aggravation? Outside of dirty limericks, I have no use for this entire literary genre. Poetry sucks.

As I was drunkenly spouting off this distaste for poetry one night, a friend of mine (a high school English teacher –... (more)

Tags: humor, poetry, review, book review, funny, leaves of grass, walt whitman

Rampant Atheism and a Lack of Spirituality

By Ely North, published on Mar 11, 2013

Dear Ely,

God is good. God is great! So why is there such a distinct lack of faith in our society? I don’t understand it. God created our world and gave us the gift of life, yet so many people today claim that He doesn’t exist. Where else could we have come from? Life didn’t just materialize out of thin air! How can mere mortals have the gall to proclaim themselves atheists, and the balls to be proud about it? It doesn’t make sense. I’m not saying that my religion is the right one or that people should believe exactly what I believe, but – Jesus Christ – they should... (more)

Tags: religion, science, advice, spirituality

Dating a Cheater

By Ely North, published on Mar 5, 2013

Dear Ely,

My boyfriend is cheating on me! Probably. Maybe. The other night he called to say he was working overtime and he would be home late. He never works late! Then when he got home he brought me flowers to apologize for being late. He never brings me flowers! Right after we put the flowers in a vase he jumped in the shower. He never showers right after work! Later that night I offered him my body and he said he wasn’t in the mood. He never turns down sex! I can’t help but think he cheated on me. What do you think? And if he did cheat, what should I do?


... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, relationship, revenge, cheater

Neighborhood Crime and Personal Protection

By Ely North, published on Mar 3, 2013

Dear Ely,

I exist in a den of iniquity, amidst the most perilous scoundrels this city has seen. I’m a single woman who, through unfortunate life circumstances, has been forced to move to the slums. Just outside my door I find gang members, drug dealers, hookers, and pimps. The only “legitimate” businesses in the area are seedy bars – the haunts of murderers and rapists. Needless to say, I do not feel safe. I’m afraid to leave my apartment, and when I’m here I fear that some thug will break in and murder me. How can I feel safe in my own home?


Lady... (more)

Tags: humor, crime, fear, funny, advice, protection

Sexual Harassment in the Workplace

By Ely North, published on Feb 26, 2013

Dear Ely,

This loser I work with keeps asking me out, and it’s really annoying. I’m a total hottie and he’s a complete geek, so he really ought to know better. I mean, I do flirt with him sometimes. But that’s only because he controls the office supplies and I’m always in need of extra white-out. (I make a lot of mistakes, and I like to sniff it!) He should realize I’m just using him, yet he persists in asking for dates. I can’t just shoot him down for fear he’ll cut off my white-out supply, so I always make up some obviously phony excuse for why I can’t see him this week.... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, sexual harassment

Drug Abuse Counseling: How to Get High

By Ely North, published on Feb 24, 2013

Dear Ely,

I want to get high, but I can’t find any drugs. I’m an accountant, and during tax season work is so stressful that I need to get high to relieve the tension. I don’t have any friends who are into drugs, and if I approach my co-workers looking for a source I could get myself fired. Last week I went over to the shady side of town to try to buy some crack or whatever from a street dealer, but I didn’t know what I was doing and I got arrested. The cops let me off with just a warning and laughingly told me that people like me shouldn’t be buying drugs on the street.... (more)

Tags: humor, drugs, funny, advice, drug abuse

Book Review: The Jungle by Upton Sinclair

By Ely North, published on Feb 19, 2013

Upton Sinclair's The Jungle follows a family of Lithuanian immigrants in early 1900’s Chicago struggling for survival against the oppression of the “masters” – the rich Capitalists who conspire to increase their wealth and power at the expense of the common working man. The main character, a stout young man named Jurgis, experiences all form of injustice, injury, tragedy, and humiliation as he is overwhelmed by the rampant corruption inherent in American society. Slowly he begins to understand that the inner workings of business and industry, law enforcement and the courts, the press,... (more)

Tags: book review, book, the jungle, upton sinclair

How to Invest Your Money

By Ely North, published on Feb 17, 2013

Dear Ely,

I work hard for my money, and I think it’s about damn time my money starts working for me. Right now it just sits in a bank account, earning hardly any interest. Lazy-ass money. I want to start investing it. The problem is, I know jack-shit about investing. Stocks, bonds, portfolios – I don’t even know what the hell those words mean. Make it easy for me. Tell me where to put my money so that it’ll make me even more money.


Lester the Investor


Dear Lester the Investor,

I also know nothing about investing,... (more)

Tags: humor, funny, advice, money, investing

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