REAL STORIES
BY REAL PEOPLE Search
Wednesday, December 13, 2017

40 results for 'alan handwerger'

Frivolity

By alan handwerger, published on Jan 6, 2010

I can’t remember when it was that Frivolity flew out the window; but she’s gone. I went to her room and looked in her bed. The window was open and there, on the bed, sat Fear, her sorry substitute, biting his nails and looking ever so worried.

“Where is Frivolity?” I asked the unwelcome intruder.

“Gggone,” said Fear.

“Did she say when she’d be back?”

Fear couldn’t answer.

She’s been gone a long time now; so long that it’s become more and more difficult to remember her whimsical smile, those devil-may-care eyes, that wondrous spontaneity that could convince... (more)

Tags: spontaneity, freedom

Detained by the French Authorities

By alan handwerger, published on Jan 2, 2010

Judging by photographs taken of me in 1971, you’d have to say that I was a hippie. I had long hair like a hippie. I dressed like a hippie. And at least one snapshot of me attached to the business end of an elaborate Moroccan hookah testifies to the fact that I smoked pot like a hippie.

But funnily enough, I never liked hippies: didn’t like their attitudes; didn’t like their politics; didn’t like the way they spoke – man.

Western Europe, back in the Seventies, was littered with American hippies – come to “do Europe”, often at that moment in their lives which divided their years... (more)

Tags: france, humor, travel, memoir, pot, hippies

How About an Anti-Social Network

By alan handwerger, published on Dec 16, 2009

I heard on the T.V. this morning that if Facebook were a country, it would be the sixth largest country in the world, a tidbit that sent me racing through cyberspace for data. Within milliseconds I found what I was looking for. Facebook, were it a country, would have a population somewhere between that 153,546,048 and 172,800,048, these two figures being the populations of Bangladesh and Pakistan, currently the seventh and sixth largest countries, respectively. I could flaunt my cheaply got knowledge by giving you the headcounts in China, India, the U.S., Indonesia, and Brazil; but to what... (more)

Tags: facebook, humor, relationships, social networks, memoir, snubster

Of Dog and Man

By alan handwerger, published on Dec 14, 2009

I let Emma, my dog, take me for a walk this morning. Well, actually, we started this morning and got back late this afternoon.

This doesn’t happen often, as it requires both that I be in a really good mood and have plenty of time on my hands. In fact, this was the first time that I’ve let Emma walk me in a couple of years.

When I walk Emma, there are rules: I choose our route and, while I do allow her to stop and sniff whatever treasures, visible and invisible, she may find along the way, I impose time limits, anywhere from five to ten seconds per sniffing episode.

When... (more)

Tags: humor, pets, dogs, family relationships, memoir stowe vermont

Every Dog Has Her Day

By alan handwerger, published on Dec 11, 2009

I let Emma, my dog, take me for a walk this morning. Well, actually, we started this morning and got back late this afternoon.

This doesn’t happen often, as it requires both that I be in a really good mood and have plenty of time on my hands. In fact, this was the first time that I’ve let Emma walk me in a couple of years.

When I walk Emma, there are rules: I choose our route and, while I do allow her to stop and sniff whatever treasures, visible and invisible, she may find along the way, I impose time limits, anywhere from five to ten seconds per sniffing episode.

When... (more)

Tags: humor, relationships, dogs, memoir

How to Talk to Your Wife

By alan handwerger, published on Dec 8, 2009

My wife hates the telephone. She’s been known to dive under the couch when she hears the thing ring.

“Lorrie … hon, it’s your mother.”

“t’llr ll callrr back” – which is what ‘tell her I’ll call her back’ sounds like when spoken from under a couch.

I’ve never understood Lorrie’s aversion to the phone. She’ll gladly exchange hundreds of words at a time with people on-line. Says she likes the opportunity to reflect before she responds.

Me, I spend most of my days in solitary confinement, writing these stories. And after so many hours of measuring my each and every... (more)

Tags: humor, marriage, relationships, short story, telemarketers

Braised Vermont Lamb

By alan handwerger, published on Dec 3, 2009

“Hon, I’m going to the market,” my wife, Lorrie, yelled from the driveway.

Whether it was her mention of the market or the fact that we had just returned from visiting her folks in Arkansas where, for those of you who have never been, there is no food, I suddenly felt very hungry. Off to the refrigerator where, the first thing that met my eye was a package containing lamb “something” that Lorrie must have pulled from the freezer earlier that day.

The ram to whom this “something” had formerly been attached had lived his days on the Luce Hill meadows of Tamara and Peter Burke until... (more)

Tags: humor, cooking, food

The Power of Q

By alan handwerger, published on Dec 2, 2009

Why it was that I woke up this morning all bent out of shape about not having a middle name I don’t know. But I did. And believe me; I’d rather it hadn’t happened. I had things to do today.

I was born without any name at all, the result, apparently, of indecision on my parents’ part. My birth certificate attests to this fact: ‘Baby Boy’ Handwerger, it reads. Eventually my folks settled on Alan; but the process obviously exhausted them before they got around to the middle – a middle that has remained conspicuously blank on countless forms throughout these intervening sixty years.

... (more)

Tags: humor, names

Al's French Diner

By alan handwerger, published on Nov 27, 2009

Al’s French Diner

Other children grow up wanting to be astronauts, or major league ballplayers, or presidents of great and powerful nations. Me, I always wanted to be a short order cook, and -- lest I leave you with the impression that I lack ambition – to own my own diner.

Here’s a snapshot of Al’s Diner, circa 1958. Enter: you -- making your way to the one remaining vacant stool at the counter. You sit; spin a little; read the menu board; you study the grill, it’s surface nearly completely covered with breakfasts in the making: pancakes, French... (more)

Tags: humor, food, restaurants

You Never Slept with MY Wife

By alan handwerger, published on Nov 7, 2009

I played tennis with my ex-wife’s ex-husband last night.  And I won: 6-4, 6-3.

Divorce is always awkward; especially when there is a child involved.  The child involved in my divorce, my son, Neil, had become something of an emotional volleyball, I’m afraid to say; though at the moment, he seemed more focused on the soccer ball that he was dribbling down the field, streaking toward the goal with nary a defender in sight …Goal!

There’s nothing like a goal to bring the warring factions in the aftermath of a divorce... (more)

Tags: humor, relationships, short story

« previous 1 2 3 4 next »


x