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Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Wam Bam Thank You Ma'am

Credit: (c) Jason Davis
Sunshine, smiles and Love!

Is it possible to change what someone thinks about you after you've crossed the line?

Dear Shari…

I need some advice. Please help. I have never been good with relationships. I actually have had just one. When it comes to guys it’s either all the way or nothing at all. No interest whatsoever. I really like this guy but I messed up and now he has the wrong impression of me. How do I tell him I want to get to know him and it’s not going to be a quickie?

~The Quickie Monster

Dear Quickie Monster,

First rule of thumb: You will never control what others think of you but you can control how you think about yourself.

Sounds to me like you’re the one who needs to change your behavior and in turn, others will usually follow suit. Most people don’t form opinions out of thin air so it’s due time you start putting out into the world who you really are and not what you want others to think you are. That takes courage but anything worth its reward does. You said you’ve always had trouble with relationships which sounds like you get yourself in this predicament quite often. As I’ve said in the past, forgive yourself of this behavior but take the steps necessary to change it. Honesty (no surprise there) is the only way to go in this situation and ANY situation. Sounds like you’ve crossed the line already and the only way to move forward is by being upfront with them. Tell this person why you felt the need or desire to put yourself out there like that (fear, insecurity, low self-esteem, drunk and horny, etc) and say you would really love it if he was able to look past that and start over again. Listen, if he is already judging you, this might not be the person you ultimately want to be with anyway. I’m just saying. So many of us have made decisions in the moment that we might not make again if circumstances were different, so none of us have room to judge. If this guy wants to hold on to this impression of you for dear life, then that usually says something about him. You need to own up to your behavior, take the steps necessary to change it (if you want to), and then move along. Hopefully if this guy is worth something, he will be able to let it go and the two of you can move forward. If he can’t, then take the lesson and for next time, be bold enough to put out into the world exactly who you are and make no apologies for it. This experience could be the icing on the cake to push you in the direction of finally making that change within, so you can finally have that relationship you deserve. The right guy is out there when you are ready to find him. But first you must be the right girl to be found. Best of luck!

Hugs,

Shari

*For daily inspiration and to find out more about me, please feel free to check out my website www.sharingwithshari.com . You can also follow me around the streets of Los Angeles as I ramble on about philosophy, spirituality or anything for that matter on my webseries, "Dashboard Confessions" at www.youtube.com/sharig74. Also, on Wednesdays, you can find my inspirational column right here under “Dear Shari.”



About the Writer

Shari G is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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7 comments on Wam Bam Thank You Ma'am

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By Caballero_69 on July 01, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Shari,

I feel for QM. Guys [I speak from direct personal experience] are in hot pursuit of intimate behavior, but mortal dread of intimacy. Then, when we find a female who gives us what we want, we too often diminish her because of our own warped sense of propriety.

Your advice is sound given the sorry nature of male-female interaction more often than not.

Nonetheless, guys truly need to overcome this destructive way of looking at and relating to women.

If a woman is ready, willing, and able to share herself with us, we need to be more than hard ons and appreciate her gifts for what they are and treat her with kindness and consideration. When we abuse, dismiss, or belittle others, we reveal a lot of ugliness about ourselves.

Larry

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By Shari G on July 01, 2011 at 12:23 pm

I agree with you completely! Unfortunately, QM isn't in the position to change all of men and so the only advice I can give her is what she is in control of. If she finds herself in the same situation repeatedly, she is going to have to take responsibility for her actions and also for the type of men she might be choosing. In either case, ultimately she will have to make a behavioral decision one way or another.

It is unfortunate that there are still men out there that run as soon as intimacy is in the picture, but as you said, that is about them, and not us.

Thank you for the feedback! :)

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By Awesome on July 01, 2011 at 12:38 pm

This actually sounds like QM needs to chill out. Not sure the guy is to blame here, he may have been willing and ready but QM may have let her issues get in the way. Sounds like she may have the committment issues...either afraid to commit so she sabotages it in some way or afraid to lose a committment so she clings on for dear life. Find a nice middle ground, have confidence in yourself and be okay knowing you may win or lose and either way you'll be okay. It's not the end of the world ;) and yes, guys suck and first impressions are everything esp if it's a negative one. if you want to overcome whatever you did, you must never do it again because the person will immediately go back to that first instance and lose trust in you all over again.

drink tang. cheers.

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By Barkha Dhar on July 01, 2011 at 02:45 pm

That is such an excellent take. I agree with you Shari, self evaluation and honesty are two important components of a healthy relationship. I have seen and have met people who take no time in pointing fingers at others, but little do they realize that few fingers are pointed at them as well. Good lord have mercy on them.

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By Shari G on July 01, 2011 at 03:24 pm

I agree so much with that, Jen! That's what I meant by if he can't see past it, he's probably not the one for her. ;)

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By Luanne Stevenson on July 02, 2011 at 09:41 am

I agree with Shari 100%--reflect on why experiences end in disaster or heartbreak. Self-evaluate and stop the destructive pattern. Too many times men and women repeat the same mistakes (falling for the same type--which may not be "right" for us; putting too much emphasis on what the partner's needs are and sacrificing our own...)

Forget what he thinks of you; it really doesn't matter. My concern is what do you think about you? Develop your self-confidence and learn to love your self more...at least enough that you don't keep setting your self up for disappointment.

Shari is right: you can't control others (what they think, their behaviors) but we get to drive our own destiny (what we think about ourselves; our goals; what we want to bring to our lives.)...

Funny; my last article I quoted my dad (he died four years ago) when I was right out of college and heartbroken. He said; "Don't wait for someone to bring you flowers. Go out and plant your own garden."

Too many times women (and some men) are "needy"; Self reflection is needed. Break those destructive patterns and the habit of going for the wrong type....

But what do I know...I'm divorced :-)

Great job Shari

Keep writing!

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By Shari G on July 02, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Melody- I'm so happy you enjoy my silliness. ;) I like to throw in some fun into everything. Life is too short to be so serious all the time. :)

Luanne - I LOVE that quote your Dad said to you!! It's so true! When you can provide for yourself in all ways, it makes relationships that much more pure and simple. You aren't needing anything from anyone. It becomes simply about sharing and that is what makes our connections with one another so beautiful! Thank you so much for the encouragement!

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