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Sunday, October 22, 2017

RESILIENT CATALYST

Credit: Photographer, Gary St. Jean
Tears fall like raining fire, cleansing the soul

Poetry speaking to the experience of having a 'Judas' in our life at one time or another and the catalyst betrayal can create for us to experience a deep process of healing and resilience.

Four years and eleven months,

Infidelity came wrapped with a worn out ribbon

Infidelity came wrapped with a broken bow

Infidelity came wrapped with torn paper like the one you ripped in my soul


The only one who told the truth was the man paid for hire,

" I don't know how to tell you this but at four years and eleven months, your partner is a cheater, and a liar. On the internet, in person too. I'm sorry, your lover was being unfaithful to you.'

One month shy of our five year anniversary,

Tears fell like raining fire,

burning away edges of dreams built together,

turning to ash my deepest desires

of our home, our family, our future children

smoking embers

turning into angry raging fire

Pictures finally paint together unfaithful faces

all blurring in wetness of disappointment,

truth blackening out the light of a love I once believed in

changing weather,

Darkening eclipse of heartache

stole my last trembling breath away,


Painful puzzle pieces click into place

driving the vehicle of intuitive confirmation,

When feelings in your gut,

inklings come in

flickering mental flashes of spiritual insight

telling you something is wrong

those dreams you've been having paint images

of Van Gogh, Screaming

for you to notice red flags,

of infidelity undetected


Traces of another lover,

silent impressions conspiring

behind your back

tangled, dancing bodies upon your sheets

time betraying which cannot be taken back

answers covered

in the sweet perfume of lies,

cleverly disguised,

ignoring those hunches singing to you inside,

leading the faint scent of deception to unravel our lives

Oh, how I wish I could be more like you

create so much drama to cover the truth

those lies, those lies, how they can swirl round

but nothing justifies

Oh, nothing justifies

the betrayal of you fooling around


Oh, how I wish I could be more like you

let my lover endure the adultress blows of my guilt,

at four years and seven months

Only to turn the story around,

bruises on my soul and body may fade

but nothing justifies you fooling around

Oh, nothing justifies

the betrayal of you fooling around


Oh, how I wish I could be more like you

have my mother lie for me about my mistress(s) to conceal the truth,

hidden agendas undermining our connection

equals silent abuse

much to blind to see just how she manipulates you,

like scorpion stings on the ghost of our dreams


Go ahead, run to the unfaithful

for consolation and relationship advice,

it's like laying down on a pillow covered in lice

Nothing like when other people

tell you how to live your life

naive to the envy some feel,

because you have a long term relationship

they want but can never quite achieve

how dare you be successful in love or be happy

when they are still searching for someone to meet their needs

naive to the jealousy running their advice

one day you will see how we both paid the price

but nothing justifies you fooling around

Oh, nothing justifies

the betrayal of you fooling around


Baby, when you stab the heart of your best friend

because you think the grass is greener on the other side

the moment you choose to lie to your lover

it's like building walls of mistrust brick by brick

the mortar of disloyalty will not stick,

rough concrete edges of broken trust

seperate and divide a home built for me and you

leaving what is a Gift from God built in light,

with broken walls, splintering with lies

crackling down

weakening the structure

eventually breaking the foundation of love

breaking faith in one another.


Once trust is broken

things are never the same

hearts torn

repaired with plaster of counseling

but to you

without honesty

hidden deceptions

during the healing process

love is a game

handled without maturity


Last night I cried out,

speaking to my mother

longing for pearls of wisdom

just one drop to ease the suffering I was feeling,

Questioning as I searched my soul,

What's the point of being loyal?

What's the point of trying to do the right thing and play fair even when someone does you wrong?

What's the point of kindness, or supporting someone to be free to live their life, when everything they ever told you was full of lies?

The break-up was not about 'being single' or 'living life out on my own.' It was about moving forward with the mistress, which I should have known.

Seriously, I never want another lover to be my best friend.

They can take 'runner up' so it's not so painful in the end.

I have never cheated on anyone I have ever dated,

but this situation makes me reconsider whether or not being loyal in love is overrated.


Emotionally brutal,

I understand now how good guys, go bad.

it's through a situation like this,

you love someone

then they betray you

in a heartbeat of choice,

first online, through emails,

a date, holding hands, then a kiss

running off on secret day time; 'lunch break,' 'business meeting'

Trips

They tell you, your paranoid

untrusting

nothing is wrong

trust

while they cover their unfaithful tracks all along

Then you are left to fight against bitterness and resentment

clearing out clutter, moving boxes

disappointment that comes in waves

getting rid of the bed

memories of love that you made

home left empty

space to clear your mind

never knew someone you loved

could be so heartless

cruel

unkind


Oh, how I wish I could be more like you

bury my guilt and shame in the arms of someone else

when your heart is incomplete

no one can heal you but yourself

co-dependency is a hampster wheel unto itself

repeating those old relationship patterns

will never get you far

same lesson,

different pants, different shirt

falling on your ass repetitively hurts

forced to take the time

to deal with whats under your skin


Maybe I should take a page from your book

start with emotional affairs first

say it's 'nothing'

an internet friendship,

im chat, turned tryst

while I secretly screw the brunette from work

delivering me coffee

filled with poison cream dreams

in my face

like unfocused pictures of unfaithfulness

retouched

becoming perfectly clear

While at home you have the audacity to

cover me with bittersweet kisses of nails,

whispering thorny, ' I love you's '

when your breath reaks a little pornographic


Go ahead, write me empty letters of apologies,

your deeds in opposition

of the greeting cards mission

broken promises

words with no meaning,

no actions to back it up

integrity in short supply

better call inventory to bring some up

cause your word

has been molested with lies


You keep calling me

I let your guilt ring, ring, ring

the person I loved

my 'once upon a time' friend

shattered in the dust

with our dreams

carried away by the coldest of winds

but nothing justifies you fooling around

Oh, nothing justifies

the betrayal of you fooling around

My mother saw through my moment of darkness

as only mothers do,

then she says drops pearls from her lips

to heal my bleeding wounds,

Regardless of what Judas does to you,

It's about having a clear conscious,

Knowing you did everything you could to live life by your values and spiritual beliefs,

Knowing you did not cheat, even when the opportunity presented itself,

you chose to be loyal and to be faithful,

even when your relationship was going through difficulties,

It's about being able to look in the mirror and being at peace with yourself.


This is just another test of your faith, it will pass...


The reason you don't cheat,

The reason you are faithful,

is because it is WHO YOU ARE.

People can only be who they are."


In her words

comfort was found

burn of my tears ceasing

painful lessons learned like planting lotus seeds

flowering the ground

but nothing justifies you fooling around

Oh nothing justifies

the betrayal of you fooling around


Oh, how I wish I could be more like you

have a heart without sound

but tonight I will pray for you

for ease of guilt,

ease of karma that circles round

when your married with children

when deception circles round

for mercy upon your soul

when the burn of dharma tears wrap round


Oh, how I wish I could be more like you

but good thing God knew,

to design me by a different blueprint,

a different plan

strengthened by tests and by trials of betrayal,

teaching me to be my word regardless of circumstances

to trust in the process of life

unfolding

knowing there is a greater plan beyond what can be seen,

a higher purpose to the work of holy hands

dreams spoken unseen


Catalyst of suffering

to be with it

riding the wave of emotions

acts as a blessing in disguise,

So when the time is right

to love again,

instead of foolishly rushing in

or searching for answers in someone else

healing myself must come first

to get up,

intentionally dust off betrayal's dirt,

to remain open and receptive

like lotus flower

blossoming

in divine timings hour

loving again with the heart of a child



About the Writer

Native Texan full of Southern Charm, ;) Art Director and Fashion Photographer with a background in Luxury Apparel. Producer of a Television show called " Art4Charity " that spotlights Philanthropists, non-profits, volunteers, and companies doing positive deeds around the world. Volunteer Art Therapy teacher to homeless children and activist.
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