Apparently, the CIA, NFL, the British Royal Family, Charlie Sheen, Muammar Gaddafi and the U.S. Navy Seal Team Six were all involved in an elaborate plan designed to get Bin Laden. While the details of this clandestine operation will probably be shrouded in mystery until Ron Howard, Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks release the movie, some of the particulars have emerged incredibly without the purchase of a movie ticket.
Things are still a bit sketchy but apparently, the CIA planned their attack on Bin LAden's compound to coincide with the nFL draft. Shortly before the NFL Draft, Muammar Gaddafi Libya’s Dictator for Life was conatced by the CIA and apparently agreed to allow a civil war in Libya that would attract large contingents of Bin Laden’s Jihadists / followers along with a gaggle of CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and al gezira news correspondents. Religious extremists really like a good insurrection where the chance of being injured is minimal while ample opportunity to kill unarmed civilians and other non combatants exists. Libya seemed to offer a good opportunity for Bin Laden’s Taliban Jihadists to indulge homicidal tendencies that have too long laid dominant as U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan have an annoying habit of shooting back… and with what could be termed alarming accuracy. An accuracy few Jihadists expected Libya’s military to possess.
As expected, the news Correspondents who would pay a buck to watch a monkey have sex with a football would immediately observe the exodus of terrorists streaming into Libya and they would follow. Getting the media to Libya then was a no brainer and this left a single correspondent named Earl in Pakistan.
With the Civil War underway in Libya, and every correspondent that could make the trip on their way to Libya, the NFL Draft would begin on April 28th and preoccupy many in the Arab world who for some unknown reason are convinced the NFL Draft is actually a thinly disguised slave sale. Mostly, Arab men stand around and berate the draft picks while ridiculing the lack of females and camels in the “draft”. It is uncertain why the draft is so interesting to individuals that have no interest or understanding of the game; this is what is termed "the Goodell effect".
While most of the real world would be preoccupied with the NFL Draft and the Civil War in Libya, the CIA was extremely concerned with the inordinately large number of paparazzi concentrated in the “Entertainment” industry. It would be disastrous if one of these correspondents stumbled onto the plan. It was determined then that a diversion was needed to preoccupy the paparazzi and what was needed was a social event of such magnitude that all eyes in the entertainment and fashion world would be squarely focused on this event. All agreed the only event capable of riveting the attention of the entertainment world was a Royal Wedding and a British Royal Wedding at that. Interpol was contacted and presented a reluctant Prince William with the option of getting married and ascending to the throne of the British Empire or paying taxes and conducting tours of Buckingham Palace. William quickly agreed to the plan although he had to first win back the heart of his previous girlfriend. All involved agreed it was a small sacrifice to rid the world of Bin Laden.
As the weekend approached, apprehensions ran high as there were so many things that could go wrong: what if Kate’s dress was a bust, what if New England drafted Cam Newton instead of a running back, what if someone threw a saddle on Priscilla Parker Bowles during the wedding preparations? There was universal consensus in the covert world that telling the Queen, the Pakistani Government and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell anything about the plan would have been a huge tactical blunder as all these entities operate better without a lot of facts cluttering their thought processes. It didn't help matters that no one could determine who's side Pakistan was on.
Scotland Yard uncovered an al qaida plot to toss a bunch of soccer balls into the crowd right after the royal wedding. British officials aware of the riots that accompany most British soccer matches shuddered at what the well behaved crowd’s reaction might have been had the soccer balls been released.
CIA operatives feared that Al Davis, the owner of the Oakland Raiders might have compromised the operation when Al attempted to pick Prince Harry with the 178th overall pick in the draft. Quick thinking officials at the NFL draft laughed this off as a bit of British Wedding tom foolery and the plan wasn’t compromised.
With everyone else preoccupied, a helicopter landed in Bin Laden’s yard and a Navy Seal shot him in the head. Charlie Sheen tried to cash in on the episode and neutralize all his recent bad publicity by announcing he had been a part of the plan and all the stories about hookers, porn and drugs were a diversion. Come on Charlie, that’s a bit of a reach.