Ever have one of those moments when you realize you've changed? You're no longer the person you thought you were. You're wondering, how the hell did this happen? Welcome to present day.
I used to think that life's experiences made us stronger, wiser. I have found that the strength that brought me to this point in my life, past all the struggles, challenges and heartache is gone now. The person I was that got me through all that has been changed by all that struggle and hardship to the person I am today. I'm not sure I like this new me.
I am no longer that trusting person, who believes in people. Life has shown me the need to be skeptical and question EVERYTHING. This is no way to live. Who can live life without faith? Questioning everything? Insecure, untrusting? Its a scary life. Its an exhausting life. (Read Instinctual Practice to understand) Who can live that way?!
Once if you told me I couldn't do something or was not able or capable...I'd do it just to prove you wrong. I DECIDE WHAT I CAN AND CAN'T DO damn it. That was my mentality. Now a days the thrill of proving someone wrong is gone. Thank goodness I didn't pursue my first major choice...law. I'd have to retire early with this mentality.
The girl who lived for pressure and pressing deadlines. Who needed that pressure to perform now has panic attacks at the thought of a deadline. I loved a challenge, the harder the better. Now? I don't want to do anything, hard, easy. I don't care. I've lost my drive. Killed my the challenges and struggles life has already presented. Used up.
I am no longer driven. No longer rise to the challenge. No longer a fighter. I found my white flag and I'm not afraid to use it.
My morals, ethics. Things that define your character. Diminishing. I find myself doing things I never would have done when I had the energy and drive to prevail. I stood for something once. I believed in things and people. Held my head high. Standards unrelenting. Now? I find myself saying much too often, "I'm not this person!" But I am. This is who the old me created. I liked the old me better. Can I get a refund? It cost too much to end up with this.