Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Child Stars to be Played by Dwarves Say Hwd. Execs.

by Limoge (writer), Los Angeles, February 18, 2007


To: All Young Hollywood Stars and Starlets

From: Hollywood Producers, Agents and Executives

In light of the recent meltdown of some of today’s must beloved child stars, (i.e, Lindsay Lohan, the Olsen Twins, Britney Shears (oops, Spears) we have banded together and decided that from this day forward all child stars will be portrayed by middle aged dwarves.

We do this not as punishment, but on the contrary we are doing this to save America’s talented, and in some cases not so talented youth (sorry Corey Haim) from lives of debauchery and mental breakdowns. We believe that middle aged dwarves - while they may not have quite the talent as today’s child stars (except in the case of Corey Haim) - possess the temperament, age, and ability to hold down their liquor and survive Hollywood’s fast paced, eat them up and spit them out climate.

We are doing this to spare any future Olsen twins the need to purge themselves of any unwanted calories and nutrients if their movie “New York Minute” surprisingly dies at the box office. We want to spare the future Haley Joel Osment the embarrassment of being at the top of his game at the tender age of nine years old and then a few precious years later being pulled over for a DUI while hiding some doobies in the glove compartment of his ‘98 Sunbird. And yes, we want more than anything, to prevent any future train wrecks named Britney Spears the incredible highs of world domination and publicly kissing Madonna to the embarrassing lows of marrying a second rate back up dancer, procreating two of his spawn, puking in the backseat of a stretch limo and getting cue balled in a strip mall in Sherman Oaks.

We understand that middle aged dwarves may not be as convincing in their portrayal of today’s youth but we are willing to sacrifice believability in order to spare anymore future generations of child stars the pain and embarrassment of having their private parts splashed across every newspaper and television in the world. And in their defense, just look at how well their portrayals of the beloved Munchkins in “The Wizard of Oz” has held up all these many years.

We also understand that watching middle aged dwarves having sex is not very appetizing. That is why we have decided to allow Paris Hilton to continue portraying herself.

About the Writer

Limoge is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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