"You're NOT in a relationship!" He said in a strong voice.
"YES I AM! you're just jealous" I tried
"HA! why would I be jealous? I haven't been jealous of a woman since my mother died in 1972"
I stayed silent. He had to be, had to be jealous. Why was he screaming at me? Why did he have to diss my relationship? And most of all why was he being so harsh with me?
I just sat in the passanger seat of his van feeling tense and angry. I wanted to spend time with him but every conversation we had seemed to dwell on my relationship.
I can understand though, I mean, I'd be upset too. He'd invested time, love and money on me. We loved each other and more than just friends. We had plans and I threw it all away with a single phone call, saying I was now in a relationship with a boy.
I had no choice though. Really, I didn't. I don't even like being in relationships. I like being single, being free. But the boy was so tempting. Four years of being tempted to drink forbidden waters and well I liked everything about him, except the fact he wasn't in my religion.
I looked at the man in the driver's seat and listened as he told me about my problems and my issues. I was hurt to hear him repeat them, even though we both knew.
"Take off your rose colored glasses already, and I'll drive them over with my van, till they crunch"
"It's real, I'm not in denial. He loves me and is thinking about converting for me. We love each other"
Well there was some truth, but then why did I keep asking to see him, if I claimed to be so madly in love with the boy?
I undid my seatbelt, feeling angry, and I tried to leave the car. It was a past midnight and dark. The stupid door stuck. The man's car was parked right next to a tree. Plus, I though, what message would it give, to the man, except that I was weak and immature?
He was right, what was I doing? I knew the boy wasn't going to convert. I knew we weren't going to run off, because I would never allow it. The man I wanted to be with and who actually knew me, sat in front of me.
"How do I break up with him though?" I asked.
"That's not my field, I set people up, not mess up "homes," he replied. In my head, the boy and I broke up that moment. I didn't need the man's answer.
"I love you," he said, "and I know I'm being hard, but you need to understand I don't want for you to add extra pain in your life by dating another boy, who will mess with your head."
"I know, I love you too."
He stroked my face with the back of his hand. "You're beautiful he said." Repeating, what he had since we first met. "If I was a little younger I would fight for you and make you my wife."
I walked through my door a little before 3 a.m. He was right, I was not in love with the boy, but with the man.
He had shared a most valuable lesson of my life. Never settle for less, than a man. A boy won't be there for you, to be your rock, when your demons appear. To listen to you when your simply want him to listen.
A man stands there, with unmovable strength, and courage, knowing that a woman is much more than her demons. He stands there resolute in his commitment to the women you are. Not shaken by your inner turmoils, and often seemingly unprovoked chaos.
I thought, "seven times I gave in too easy for a chance at love. It took the 8th to understand what it takes to connect with a man, and not a boy, at the deepest level of my soul." I drifted off to sleep, feeling love in my heart, a connection to the man and a peacefulness about time.
Shocked, I awoke, feeling restless. My body felt hot and mind stuck in replay. "Was the man, who 'would do anything for me and loved me so passionately,' really still a boy, too?"