As lunch approaches josh offers to take me out, we leave school grounds and eat out. I get a hamburger, the juice drips down my chin; I wipe it with a napkin and continue to look at him. We don’t say much, our eyes saying it all, as his cell rings, he stands up to take the call. He starts to scream into the receiver, his face getting red, he slaps a glass off the counter, it shatters. I’m afraid, and can’t continue looking his way. I stand up slowly and walk out, not looking back. I head to school, knowing I’ll be late by going on foot instead of a car, but the walk isn’t that far.
A car approaches Josh’s voice enters my ear, I stop and watch him, he tries to explain, but my tears are to busy making rain. I hold my arms around me tight, scared of Josh and all the might’s. He might hurt me, he might be mad, he might be crazy, he might be angry, he might be mean; yet again he might be what I need. I lift myself into his car, sitting against the door, keeping my distance for a minute more.
He touches my cheek as I continue to cry. He’s all choked up and I can tell he is carrying a heavy load. As I place my hand on his arm, his eyes reach mine, he begins to cry. He take the turn the a little to sharp, I hit my head against the glass. Just a bump nothing tough, but it still hurt enough. We pull up to a park, we exit the car knowing we should be in school, but than again for whom? I don’t have a future, either being a drunk or a weekend slut. My mom and dad what great examples to bad for them, I won’t end like them.
We make our way through some sharp trees, branches rip my favorite jeans. I shrug knowing it doesn’t matter, crying won’t change the matter. He falls to the grass pulling me onto his lap. He hugs me from behind, finding comfort in his hands. I turn around and facing him wrap my legs around his waist. We stare into each others eyes, as he leans forward as do I. His lips touches mine, sending the shivers down my spine. I’ve heard of fireworks taking place while you share a kiss so great, I hate to inform you this isn’t true, not for me and maybe not for you. It was great and it meant a lot but no sparks went off. We ended with a hug and my head resting against his chest. He lay on the grass, me on him, raising my body up with his every breath. His heart beat was like hearing a dream, until the moment ended with one last heavy sigh. He lifted my face and looked me in the eyes, kissed me once more. Then rolled me to the floor. His body pressed against mine. Pushing on my little bones, I like the press I like having little breath; I want to hold him till my death.
This may seem a little much but I haven’t had something to live for, so the chance at love is worth dying for. He kisses my neck, I happily let. As the sun begins to slowly set, we hurry through the bushes again, a branch cuts Josh, and he looks at the blood and seems shocked. “Oh shit” he curses and I just watch as the blood drips down his arm. He seemed annoyed, making me feel guilty for using a knife as a toy. What if he knew? Would he think I was a freak, would he call me weak? As the blood lands to the ground my head seems to pound. He notices the worry in my eyes and tells me he’ll be a’right. I know it’s not right to keep it a secret but how can I tell him, losing him is a not. My words make a knot and my heart drops. I can’t look him in the eye, even if I try. “Take me home” is all I can manage. We drive in silence, as we approach my house , I say “let me out”. “See you tomorrow?” he seems to beg. I walk away, enough said. He called me later that night, left a message too, I didn’t pick up, didn’t call back, didn’t listen, afraid of that too. Mom was in her room humming her pretty tune. I knock on her door, she lets me in and I watch her as she quietly sings.
She sits on her bed behind me, letting my hair lose. She gathers each strand in her hand, as she creates a beautiful braid. She kisses my forehead, then tells me to go to bed. As I close the door I see her unclothed, her back to me, bruises covering her from head to toe. She has some fat, meat as guys would say, yet beautiful in her own way. Even with bruises, black and blue, even with fat that jiggles free, she mysteriously shines brighter than me. She always has a smile when she is in her room, always seems happy and complete, this terrifies me.
Josh and I are dating, it’s been a month since the park, and my secrets still hides in the dark. The furthest we’ve gone is a kiss, the longest we see each other is till dark. The life I have has a dark mark, somehow Josh lately sets off sparks.