As the final bell rings I fly out the door not sure what I’m rushing for. There isn’t anywhere really to go, nowhere to run, I don’t have a place to hide. I walk by the lake letting my feet get wet. Not letting myself get upset. Not letting myself cry, not letting myself try. I hate having to lie, hate having no one by my side. I know many guys try but they aren’t real they just want someone to feel. I have no real friends, they just pretend. Being in my light will make them also shine bright. What they don’t know is my light burned out, all I can do now is sit and figure out. I just want to shout, just want to pout, just want to curl up and die, and say goodbye to my screwed up life. Ugh how much I wish a had a knife in my hand, as I would love to walk on painted red sand. I hop onto a log, almost as if I were a frog. I balance on it making sure not to fall even though it is far from tall. I pretend it were a wall as a stand so tall; walking my arms spread wide wishing I could fly. A bush shakes; I fear it may be a bear. Even worse it’s Josh!
He looks up and sees me, giving me that smile, I just look down at the floor. “Hey you” he says. I meet his gaze “hey” I say standoffish. He chuckles making his way towards me. I become stiff as soon as he is within reach, I see him try peak into my eyes, see what’s there, what causes me pain, and what drives me insane. I don’t give anything away, not today. He will have to try harder to reach inside, to see my heart, and my dreams. Those I will not let be seen. Dreams are like wishes once they are shared they seem to disappear, either by a friend’s giggle, an evil statement, or a rude reply. My dreams are something I will continue to hide. “What’s on your mind?” Josh asks while he pushes a loose hair from my ponytail behind my ear.
“Nothing” I lie, as he lets out a sigh, showing he doesn’t buy my reply.
“Do you always lie?”
“I try,” I say with pride, my smile spread wide.
“Why do you always feel you have to hide?” He looks concerned as he touches my cheek.
“Get off me you freak” I shoot at him, yet not wanting him to move his hand. He does however as it drops by his side, a thousand Thoughts race through my mind.
“Sorry, I didn’t think you’d mind” he looks at his feet, making me feel weak in my knees.
“I don’t mind words run out before I can keep them in.” I take his hands holding them in mine, as I begin to wobble. I can barely stand, my knees give out, I fall on the floor pulling Josh down. I blush. Never had someone’s hands in mine felt such a rush as our fingers brushed. We sit on the floor. I don’t bother try stand. I forget my troubles, the pain, I feel so sane. For once my life I doesn’t feel like dust. I feel like a treasure that has no measure. I let go of his hand, scared to get attached, to get hurt, or worse, used. He moves to my side, his hand by his.
“I’m scared,” I whisper as I look into his soft blue eyes.
“Of me?” he asks.
“I’m not so sure, I think of both you and this”
“We won’t do anything you don’t want to, I promise. I really like you, if you couldn’t tell, and I don’t want to harm you in anyway.” He says taking my hand in his once again.
“What do you like about me?” I had to know, why he likes me, I need to know.
“Well first of all you make me chase, and you have a beautiful face, you make my heart race, and I don’t even care to get to second base, just your lips drive me insane I want to touch you and to love you. You seem to have pain and I want to help, I want to hug you and cheer you up. I want to hold you and not let go, I want to keep you warm in the snow, and I want more than anything to hear you say my name. You for sure think I’m insane.” He blushes, feeling lame. I consider his name, but decide otherwise, knowing it would be wise not to give into his wish, just yet. I smile, tightening my grip on our linked hands, and bury my toes deep into the soft sand.
I lay my head on his shoulder, I feel his body relax.
“I want this so bad, I want you, but how do I know you mean a word you say?’
“You don’t, there’s no way. I just pray you know, that I’d never betray you.” His hand starts to get warm, the sun begins to set. Fear rushes through my mind, I grab my bag, pulling out my cell, fifteen missed calls, two voice mails, and all from him, the monster. Bliss turns to fear. My hand shakes, as I check his messages. “Where are you? Get home now. I’m hungry and your mother is working tonight. Hurry home.” Message one. Delete. “Get home right now. It’s already dark and I’m hungry. Don’t make me call again.” Message two. Delete.
“I have to go home” I tell Josh.
“Need a ride?” he offers.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want him to see my house, what would he think? It’s small, compared to the others, what should I say?
“I need to get home now, please” I say reluctantly.
We hop into his jeep; he keeps his hands to himself making it clear he’s no creep. We approach my house, I thank him early and get out two houses before. I look at the floor, embarrassed of my block, as I thank him again.
“See you tomorrow?”
“Yeah” I promise. He drives away and I run into my house.