Saturday, July 21, 2018

I Want To Be A Hollywood Wife

by Limoge (writer), Los Angeles, February 03, 2007

By day, I am a somewhat mild-mannered executive assistant with lots of friends and a loving family. But at night I dream of a life a little more, shall we say, "glamorous". No, I don't want to be an actress, a model or even a rock star with male groupies who look like Russell Crowe (well, maybe). No, my dream is to be...a Hollywood Wife!

Now, why you may ask, would a woman like me dream of giving up all I have for something so shallow, so pretentious, so frivolous? Well, all my life I've been absolutely fascinated with Hollywood. Everything from how movies get made to (yes, even the "dishy" stuff) who's sleeping with who, who wants to sleep with who, who is sleeping with who but only on Thursdays. And over the years I have been keeping tabs of all the women who were minor, B-list celebrities but once they wedded their "very significant others", they seemingly became overnight "superstars" themselves. Some of these lucky ladies are Kelly Preston (Mrs. John Travolta), Trudy Styler (Mrs. Sting), Jennifer Flavin (Mrs. Sly Stallone), Jada Pinkett (Mrs. Will Smith), Rita Wilson (Mrs. Tom Hanks), Kate Capshaw (Mrs. Steven Spielberg), Nicole Kidman (Mrs. Tom Cruise), Danielle Spencer (Mrs. Russell Crowe) and the latest, Katie Holmes (the NEW Mrs. Cruise). The HWs have the only "job" in the world where a woman with virtually mediocre talent can have her face plastered on magazine covers, have top designers create exclusive fashions just for her, and have fascinating people clamoring to meet her simply by virtue of whose wedding ring she's wearing. And unlike the Hollywood wives of old (and in Jackie Collins' 1980s book of the same title), today's breed of HWs are not just "handbags" for their husbands to "wear" on the red carpet and sit silently in the background. Today's HWs are free to create an identity of their own. Some of today's crop of HWs are “singers“, “cosmetic queens“, “producers“, and yes, even “actresses“. (But don't tell anyone it was hubby's high-powered contacts that helped get her there!)

Now I know there are many of you out there who are cringing at my shallowness and pretentiousness and who scream that this is a step WAY back for women. But this is a democracy and the wonderful thing about democracy is freedom of choice. And my choice (in my dreams anyway) is to be a spoiled, pampered Hollywood princess! And come on, be honest, who among us women haven't at one time or another dreamed of getting away from it all, being pampered and romanced by the latest Hollywood hunk.

Now to be fair, many of today's HWs did have "careers" before they married their meal ticket (I'm sorry, husbands). But honestly, if you really think about it, how many of you really believe that Ms. Flavin would he pushing her cosmetic line on QVC were it not for a certain "Rocky" marriage? Would Ms. Pinkett even be considered for the "Matrix" movies if she had not snagged an oh-so-fresh prince? And finally, would there even be a movie called "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" if Ms. Wilson had not caught the eye of her co-producer, superstar husband Mr. T.H. in that artistic masterpiece, "Volunteers"?

Of course there are those HWs that graduate to superstar status simply on their own merit. Ms. Kidman is the prime example of that. After appearing in some obscure Australian movies that virtually no one has seen stateside, Kidman appeared in the flick "Dead Calm" that caught the eye of a certain T.C. The rest as they say is history. Of course during her marriage Kidman seemed to keep her talents under wraps in deference to her superstar husband. But once the marriage dissolved, Kidman's talents seemed to blossom all the way to her Academy Award win.

So now as a service to us lesser mortals, I believe these women should band together and hold seminars teaching us poor slobs the fine art of how to catch and marry that hot celebrity hunk. The topics covered could be broken down into three courses:

Course 1 - Catching the Celebrity's Eye or, "How to Look Like A Million Bucks on Your Meager Wages Until Mr. Superstar Asks You Out and Showers You With Gifts Galore".

Course 2 - Getting The Fall Guy (Sorry I Mean Celebrity) To Marry You or, "How to Play Hard To Get And Pretend That Marrying Mr. Superstar Is NOT Your Major Goal In Life". This course could include a second part which is, "How To Convince Mr. Superstar That You Love Him And Would Marry Him Even If He Was Just A Plumber" (yeah right)

Course 3 - How To Milk Your New Position For All It’s Worth
or, "How To Hook up With All Your Husband's Contacts And Start Your Own Cute, Little Career"

Well, I guess now that I've got all this out of my system, it’s back to my real, humdrum, everyday life. But the next time I read about some obscure starlet marrying the latest hot, male celeb, I will be fantasizing it's me. You hear that, Mr. Clooney? (wink, wink)

About the Writer

Limoge is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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