The outcome was going to be the same no matter what I did... in one respect. In another respect, the outcome was greatly influenced by my actions. You see, I saw the truth, and acted on it. But my actions put me in a predicament in which I felt the need to lie.
Where does one draw the line with respect to ethical conduct? I knew that loyalty to my superior in this situation was the same as looking away and doing nothing when another is in need. Could I live with myself had I not done what I thought was right?
I suppose I should have been completely honest. The reason I wasn't was because I was acting with some degree of self preservation present, and I thought I could salvage... salvage what?
If I had told the truth, the end would had just been sooner rather than later. And I don't really know what I was trying to salvage anyway.
... A position in support of ongoing questionable intent? I already had my doubts about it.
... A future with someone I don't even know? I don't even know if that was a two way street. It's likely I never will.
I suppose I could have zipped it. Then I would have to look in the mirror every single morning and question myself, and every day having to trust someone who I told not to trust anyone. Zipping it was not an option.
I don't think I would have done any of it much different. When I think about what I would change, I think I should have quietly closed that door much sooner because the warnings were there and I didn't recognize them. On the other hand, had I not been there when I was, something may have "slipped through the cracks." A minimum of two more people would have been burned by the system. One of those people is an innocent child. I'm glad I was there to fire that flare.
Amidst the moral dilemna, I wanted to allow one certain door to remain open, which was one reason I lied about certain details, and left out other very important details. I was selfish in that way, focused on what (or who) I was interested in. I thought that if I reworked the details, I could keep that door open. By omitting other details, I would maintain my position and keep that door open at the same time. Very selfish, indeed. In doing so, I must look like pretty awful to what's on the other side of that door, which is now closed.
There is no way of telling what might have been... in one respect. In another respect, the outcome was greatly influenced by my actions. "What might have been" and "what is" probably differ from the other by 180 degrees, in all respects. "What is" is.
Would I change any of it?
Do I regret it?
Did I learn from it?
Can I live with it?
The responsibility was, and is, mine.