Sunday, July 15, 2018

In Being My Father's Daughter

Credit: J. de la Vega
Silverio de la Vega, a wonderful father

" It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was. " -Anne Sexton

In Being My Father’s Daughter
-for Daddy, Silverio duro de la Vega June 12, 1928 - May 8, 2007

Because laying on the bare hardwood floor
is too gentle and aesthetic and
still does not offer
that masochistic solace,

and because crawling under the bed to weep
is only an instinctive feral urge,
it seems the next thing that might do it,
that may finally satisfy and
replace the urge to cut my face
with an exacto knife,
would be
to break something,
smash all the windows,
burn my guitars,
topple the piano,
club the TV to pieces,
slash my sofas like the D.E.A.,
break all my dishes… and etc.,

Still, playback of
the sequence
"madness as medicine"
only proves that
out of every single object in my home
I can't find one fucking thing
that can present to me
the perfect punishment,
here and now needed
so badly…
Daddy & I were deemed
"wild eccentrics".
the both of us
from L.A. to Manila.
We remembered
being peacocks
in a past life together
and never gave a shit about
what the Family thought.
la la la...

I could jump off the roof,
I won't die but it'll hurt.
I did not kill my Father.

But someone
else did.?
I am guilty,
after longing to be with him
all these lost but hopeful years.
of not being at his side to
kiss his mouth at his final sigh,
breathing in
to catch and hold
his fleeing ghost
inside me,
for just one moment
for the parting
in this lifetime,
our spirit's last embrace
here and now.

I was f____d up
drunk and jacked up
in Hollywood,
when I should have flown
straight to Luzon
days ago.

I was the worst daughter
he was a worse Father,
which is why I was his favorite,
and why every man
I've ever truly loved
is exactly

Almost Him.

About the Writer

Yvonne de la Vega is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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