If you’re like me—by reading this you’re agreeing that you are—the vast majority of your time is consumed by the end of the world that is, as predicted by the Ancient Mayans, well-nigh upon us. You probably also have a bit of a tough time programming those pesky microwave ovens to heat the “Claim Jumper” meatloaf dinner that you picked up in the frozen food section of a gas-station/food-mart to the desired temperature. (High Fructose Corn Syrup and Preservatives, I love you).
But you and I (me and you) represent that segment of the population that hears the canary’s song and we know the volumes’a’fallin’. That’s right, there’s gas in the mine and there’s not much we can do about it, except, of course, watch “documentaries” about it, scour the web for information about it, and prepare for the end… in much the same way that we did for Y2K.
For those of you that have no clue what’s happening, here’s a brief yet completely scientifically accurate account:
On December 21, 2012 the planet Earth, the one we live on, will cross through the “Galactic Plane.” Now, it’s important to remember that no one’s disputing this except the gays, North Korea, and the gays in Iran.
What does this mean? It means our solar system, and, perhaps more significantly, our planet will move through the “Galactic Equator.” This phenomenon occurs periodically and December 21, 2012 is, apparently, one of the days during which this phenomenon will be taking place—I’m almost 19% positive it will happen at 7:52 AM Tahiti time on December 21, 2012.
As this happens, one of four things will undeniably happen:
- The Anti-Christ will reveal himself and begin the Apocalypse. You must, and I cannot stress this enough, be prepared to fight against his minions. I’m talking about the Muslims and, to a slightly lesser extent, the gays, but to the greatest extent possible, gay Muslims;
- The dark planet Nibiru will pass by the Earth and create cataclysms that will wipe out human civilization (and possibly install/reinstall a Reptilian Civilization on Earth, I cannot be certain, but I am certain that the Reptilians are Unitarians);
- Some super-natural deity or force will kill the wicked and rescue the pure (meaning kill the Mormons and rescue the you and me, but depending on who you are, just me); or
- We will find something else to scare the shiatsu (that’s Chinese for massage) out of us on December 22, 2012, like January 11, 2011 (11111 [if we ignore the 20 before the 11], which is 1+1+1+1+1, which is equal to 5, which is the number of points on a pentagram, which, when inverted is a symbol for the fallen one, A-mother-f’ing-K-A, Satan, or the Devil). This is not speculation people, its math and science. Real science, unlike geology and evolutionary biology.
If not 1/11/11, then possibly 2/20/20, which is actually 2+2+2 if we take out the zeros and which equals 6. 6 is the first number in 666 which is the mark of the beast and you guessed it, before you can French kiss your cousin we’ve got the Devil massaging our prostate again. (On a serious note, if you’re over 30 you should have your proctologist check your prostate for irregularities once a year… prostate cancer is no joke. Your proctologist’s finger in your bunghole kind of is.)
I could keep going, but what is certain is that the world will eventually end. There’s no debate about that. If you research this thing for 15 minutes like I have you’ll find that there are countless celebrities like Jack Van Impe (www.jvim.com) God bless him and the cutting edge Apocalyptic predictions he’s made over the years. Sure, none’s really hit dead on, but he has in a general way predicted war and economic ruin… let’s remember that the Lord works in mysterious ways and He likes to test our faith and hate the gays—my god is a vengeful god… Arabs beware.
Other celebrities, or as they’re better known, our modern day Anointed Elders, that believe the end is near are the likes of Mr. Mel Gibson (most talented actor/writer/director ever to exist anywhere, anytime; don’t believe me watch the quadfecta of masterpieces that is Lethal Weapons 1-4 and prepare to have your mind blown… blown in a very wet and sexy way; kind of dirty like you see in those horrible XXX rated movies and want your wife [anyone other than your wife is a sin against your soul] to do, but she doesn’t because you ask her to do it after a long-day of driving your monster truck in hot weather while eating asparagus packed burritos), Darren Dutch Dalton (former MLB catcher—I’m not really sure who he is, so… got nuthin’), and the man who sits first among the gods of journalistic integrity and authority in the Pantheon that is, or should be, dedicated to the same, I’m speaking of course of Dr. Montel Williams of the Montel Williams show. (I cannot be certain that Dr. Williams holds a Ph.D. but I’m quite certain that it can never be proved that he does not).
The evidence is in a word: irrefutable and undeniable. The heathen Maya, which were wrong about everything except the end of the world and whose civilization’s collapse was not predicted on any calendar or in any meaningful way, hit the nail on the head with this one… the world will end. Google it!
If you’re like me, and I’m sure that by now you are, join me in shedding your material connections to this world; as it is said, “Verily I tell ye, yay, unto thee I say that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter into heaven.” Those words are as true now as they were when they were uttered by the Mayans more than a million years ago and they are not, in any way, open to interpretation.
You can shed your wealth, or, as the holiest among us would call it, “the anchors” that will drag you into the depths of the bottomless lake of fire that will burn and consume your soul for infinite eternities, by transferring it via bank wire to me. My vast minutes of research on this topic and the folder full of bookmarks I already have in place ensure that I have the knowledge necessary to absorb this wealth without feeling any of the quote-unquote “ill effects,” and/or quote-unquote “demonic-side-effects.”
I bank with the Bank of Excessive Inbreeding, Dipshayt Branch. My routing number is 4 and my account number is SKID-MARK.
Help me to help you… 2012 is approaching and it is only days, months, or 1, 2, or a little over 2 years away (the exact number is impossible to calculate, but the truth is the truth).
God bless everyone except those he and/or I hate.