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3 Ladies Magazine Lies

by Glenn T (writer), Las Vegas, NV, March 20, 2010

Credit: jaimelondonboy @ flickr
The culprits...

The smarter, more mature and better looking gender is being fed a steady diet of mistruths, misconceptions, and misinformation... Here are the worst three.

A few weeks ago, I took on the bevy of men's magazines that seem to offer up the same needless and ill-considered advice month after month - and while I had previously believed that we were the only gender so easily duped by glossy pages, catchy prose and the promise of the company of the uber-attractive, it turns out I was wrong. Women's magazines seem to have been in abundant supply for much, much longer than their male counterparts. Vogue, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Elle, Marie Claire and more seem to have been on the newsstands as long as there have been newsstands. But, as it turns out, the smarter, more mature and better looking gender is also being fed a steady diet of mistruths, misconcpetions, and misinformation by these storied publications - just like their more contemporary male counterparts.

And so in the interests of equal time, gender equity, and an excuse to peek in Cosmo, here the 3 biggest lies told by women's magazines:

1. Leave the Tip. I don't think I've walked by a womens magazine in the last decade that hasn't offered, with varying degrees of ambiguity, tips for women in the bedroom. I really cannot imagine how this helps to sell magazines. First of all, the male orgasm is easier to achieve than a hit in Tee-Ball. It's akin to the "instructions" on a shampoo bottle (i.e. Find the hard spot; Stroke; Repeat). If this is the type of knowledge you think of as a "trick", I'd advise you to get a magic show with all due speed, you're really going to have your mind blown. Second, the vast majority of these "tips" are things so awkward and deviant that they're likely to (a) attract the sort of neck-tattooed circus freaks that you're better off avoiding, and/or (b) scare off the "normal" guy you're sleeping with faster than talk about ovulation. If you need tips in the bedroom, you don't need a magazine, you need a new man.

2. Shape No-wear. The only thing that would be more disappointing to find under a woman's clothing than Spanx, control-tops, torsettes or any of the widely-proffered "shapewear" peddled endlessly in these magazines would be a penis. Seriously, I cannot imagine the level of self-loathing that it takes to squeeze one's self into full-body elastic rather than simply buy clothing that actually fits you, but I know it's the sort of thing that should be being treated by a professional. I'm all for flattering lines, cuts, etc. (and for the record, I still don't know why thin girls wear anything with an "A-line"), but this sort of lying nearly rises to the level of conspiratorial. If anyone suggests that you put yourself into something like this, it's a fairly safe bet that they don't like you. If a magazine does it, it's a fairly safe bet that they think you're stupid. Take it from someone with three and a half decades of bachelorhood - the sexiest thing you can wear under your clothes is confidence.

3. Fashionably Hate. Letting a magazine which is largely sponsored by the fashion industry tell you what you should be wearing is like letting a used car salesman tell you what you should be driving. The fashion business appears to have become a monolithic and unstoppable amplifier and enabler for the warped and drug-fueled visions of a few crazy Frenchmen. Inexplicable trends become global phenomena, with price tags to match. This insanity has caused us to suffer through the rebirth of the poncho, the horror of couture sweatsuits, and the footwear failings of the gladiator sandal. What impossibly thin, six-foot-tall French girls or impossibly rich celebrity actresses are wearing is no more a reliable guide to looking good than matching Warren Buffet's stock buys will make you rich. There is something inherent in the female brain that knows what looks good and what doesn't. Use this instinct, and leave the couture obscure.

* * *

Ladies, it's no secret that we men have to rely on you to be the leveler-headed gender. We spend the vast majority of our lives as slaves to those very same hormones that make us both capable of moving furniture, opening jars and changing flat tires, while still being unable to form coherent thoughts when a sufficiently attractive woman walks by. We have to count on you to not fall victim to charlatans, false prophets and snake oil salesmen. So the next time you're paging through one of these women's publications, remember, be careful how much of them you take to heart - because there's no one to save you from any bad advice you might receive. Sure, we secretly pick them up when you're not around, but just like our own magazines, mostly just look at the pictures.



About the Writer

Glenn T is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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8 comments on 3 Ladies Magazine Lies

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By Glenn T on March 20, 2010 at 03:04 pm

For those of you who like the three things format, I'd LOVE to have you as subscribers at my new blog project, creatively titled...

THREE THINGS

Click the link above to be transported directly to the fun... And if you have a suggestion for a new THREE THINGS, PLEASE let me know!

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By manny osborne on March 20, 2010 at 03:09 pm

" the sexiest thing you can wear under your clothes is confidence" grrrreat article Glenn

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By Glenn T on March 20, 2010 at 03:11 pm

Thanks Manny! Every writer should be so lucky to have a faithful and flattering reader like you!

G

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By ranfuchs on March 21, 2010 at 08:39 am

Hi Glenn, I think that women were the first that got duped to believing that they should be different to what they are. It's only recently that the industry realized that they can't grow fast, unless they make male feel inadequate too. Your penis is never the right size, not to mention your biceps. No success in life can take place if you lose your hair. And if occasionally you don't get it hard enough, you are not a man and need to pay lots of money to make you the dream of every woman.

So we are all in the same boat. Numbers in the statistics of big marketing department that try to talk us into not thinking for ourselves.

I liked this post, by the way

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By taking off the mask on March 22, 2010 at 08:18 am

wow i really enjoyed this article. you are a great writer and not afraid to tell it how it is. and you are totally right about the bed advise way to awkward to try unless your a porn star. I don't even remember why i read those things. all they do is make you feel that you can't get dressed without their help, do well in bed, or look good without listening to their advise and buying their suggested "must haves". thanks for reminding me that it's all b.s :)

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By Marcy Lynne on December 20, 2011 at 03:18 pm

Great article! I wish every woman in America - make that the WORLD - could read it. You hit on so many points just perfectly. I always wondered, who the heck are these so-called experts who write this drivel, and design these fashion photo shoots that look more like Salvatore Dali paintings than clothing features?? I'm finally old enough to realize that "they" don't know any more than I do! In fact, I don't even bother picking up these mags anymore. You got it right. And you're a really good writer.

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By Glenn T on December 20, 2011 at 08:27 pm

Marcy! Thank you so much! I'm glad to see that some of my work still remains topical - long after its newness wears off. I'm equally glad to have these views confirmed by intelligent women... because it always shocks me when these publications get away with pandering to a gender that has a built-in BS detector that's tuned like a Stradivarius!

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By Hipolita88 on June 30, 2014 at 11:47 pm

That will be so awesome 5materace.com

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