“We’ve lost half of our net worth.” Words like this were repeated to me in various manners and over various drinks and meals by many many (many) friends, so many in fact that I think the concept of losing half of your wealth should be a cliché in the times we live in. This piece isn’t about the pain of losing something you’ve worked a lifetime to achieve, nor is it about the politics and policies that maybe led us to where we find ourselves—we all participated in the process so we’re all familiar with how we got to where we are (wherever that may be).
Instead, I wanted to write something that responds to the popular culture of fear and despondency that every night reminds us that financial markets are in flux, that housing prices are falling, that banks are working hard to make a profit in difficult times and, apparently, even harder to bury the average person in debt, and that the world will never ever be the same. This article is about my experience and the catharsis that resulted from what I’ve seen, smelled, touched, touched and then contracted (what?), and now the solutions that have erupted from the clarity that comes with the profound catharsis I’ve experienced, which has now brought us full circle I suppose.
Like many, I waited in nervous anticipation as Washingtoon (this is not a typo, it’s commentary—deal with it sucka) debated the best way to bail out our nation’s financial institutions in the fall of 2008. I then watched them bail out the banks with what seems like trillions of dollars (actually that’s because it was trillions of dollars). Now that the banks seem to be okay, the overall economy is teetering on the edge like a fat man whose shorts are stuck on the top of one of those weird chain link fences that bend back and forth because they have nothing stabilizing them at the top. Unemployment, national debt, consumer debt, Michael Jackson’s death, Global Healt Care, Global Pandemics… I feel like screaming “What - is - going – on - Becky!”
It is in this “What is going on Becky!” environment that a brilliant idea was born. My idea, beautiful in its simplicity is simply that maybe instead of simply bailing out the banks we should simply just invade the world and take the booty (double entendre, booyah!) to cover our losses.
Think about it. We’ve still got to be the most powerful military might in the world. How much are the Queen of England’s royal jewels worth? Better yet, how much is Dubai worth? (Not as much as it used to be worth, but still, the Burj Khalifa is pretty pimp in a “hey look at my new gold teeth” kind of way). Even better than that, how much are the Tiger and the Dragon worth? That’s right, I’m talking about India and China—two Billion with a capital “B” and silent “schwa,” people sitting on some of the most rich and diverse natural resource reserves in the world. Here is my plan in all its simplistic yet sophisticatedly rich detail.
Step One: We quickly pull out of Iraq telling the Iraqis that we made a mistake and actually meant to invade Iran. America’s placement on standardized testing will complete this ruse, or subterfuge if you will.
Step Two: We relocate the Afghan population to Iraq by telling them that we’re going to take them to Iran. We then give them each an M-16, Dick Cheney’s mobile number, and a hand-written greeting card wishing them the “Best of Luck.”
Step Three: We make Afghanistan the world’s largest military base and recruit Al Qaeda by giving each member 72 virgins while they’re still alive. I can only assume this will make them lose the appetite for an eternity of virgins in the afterlife.
Step Four: We invade India, but we outsource the invasion to the Indians themselves. We will call it operation “Hello this is Mark from Denver, yes I’m really from Denver, I’ve lived here my entire life, freedom.” The word “freedom” should be in red, white, and blue I think, but that’s just semantics at this point.
Step Five: After conquering India, we “handle” the Chinese population by drowning them in all the tchotchke they’ve manufactured in the last 10 years.
That’s it! In five easy steps we’ve effectively taken over the fastest growing economies and gained access to a wealth of natural resources and the boundless labor needed to extract and exploit these resources.
I know what I’m proposing may seem controversial and borderline insane, but I like to think the guy that told us we’d have a man on the moon before the end of the 60’s was considered to be a bit controversial and insane. As we enter the “Decas” (it’s Ancient Greek for “Ten” and I think it’s catchy… Mind your own business) we face hard choices and more challenges than humanity has ever faced in the whole of human history. We’re a great people whose greatest contributions to the world are innumerable and profound.
If you stop and think about it for a minute, great people that make great contributions that are also profound (I’m talking about the contributions here although I suppose the people are also sometimes profound) should not be obligated to pay more taxes. The sense of personal and national responsibility that made this country great are probably overrated. The sacrifices that our forefathers made to make this country the envy of the world were most likely not necessary.
Join me today in the greatest fight of our lives… the fight to save this country, without really doing anything.
Please call 555-FUQ-TAXS to register your support!